Singing

"Heal my heart and make it clean.

Open up my eyes to the things unseen.

Show me how to love like You have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

everything i am for Your Kingdom's cause.

As i walk from earth into Eternity..............

Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest,

Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest."

I realized today that i have not sang since I was pregnant with Esther, Dec. 20th. Except for at her graveside where we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness, and You Never Let Go. Another gift was that Pastor Kurt told us that the song You Never Let Go was written by Matt and Beth Redman after they lost a baby. How amazing I thought! No wonder it was ministering to Brian so much. We didn't know that until then, and not even when we chose it to sing at her service. I actually could sing a bit. I wanted to tell the Lord that I know and believe the truth about who He is, and that He will never let us go; He is with us in the calm and in the storm. So if you know me, you know that I LOVE to sing. I loved singing to Esther, I knew she could hear me and it was a way i could connect with her. Maybe she is in the choir in Heaven? If so, i would love to join her someday. My mom beat me to that too though, she wants to be in the choir. What the heck? My whole darn family and extended family probably wants to be in the choir. What a choir that would be in the Heavenlies?! A sound we probably cannot even imagine.

So i have been struggling the past few days. I guess getting sick has not helped the situation any. Thanks to whoever gave us the bug:) Brian and I both sick in the middle of the night Monday night. The kind of sick that you don't post on a blog:) Needless to say we were feeling awful but got to spend a few days together. Even though we just layed around, it was nice to be together. Anyway, i have been wondering why we had to lose Esther. There are so many people having babies and it has been hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that we were preparing to be parents, I was pregnant for 6 months and now I'm not. I thought i knew what the next phase of our life would be like raising a baby, and now I don't. I feel like if i knew the reason we had to lose her it would be easier for me to deal with the loss. So last night i asked Brian if he ever wondered why. He said not really, do you? I said all the time. I told him i thought it would be easier if i knew the reason. He said how would it be easier? I said, I don't know. And it was then that I realized what i have known all along, but couldn't really accept, that even if I did know why, her loss is still there. It wouldn't make it easier. This is a road we have to travel down. I feel like i want to just grieve and be able to move on. But i know the grief comes with me. It is part of who we are, and things don't go back to normal. This will always be part of our story, not one we move on from. I have been told that it will change and it will look different but it (grief) will always be there. I believe that has set me free in a way. I feel like i just wanted to wait till i felt better, work through it, and then move on with "normal" life, but that is not what is going to happen. I believe that is the grace of God. He will show up as we walk this road, working through the grief. Remembering Esther, honoring her, loving her, and being thankful for the time we got to spend with her. Trying to not think about her definitely doesn't help. I can distract myself for a bit, but the second i am alone, she is on my mind. I want to think about her, all the time. And i do every minute of the day. But it makes me cry, and i don't want to cry forever. But tears are good. They are healing. My friend told me the other day, that there is a healing chemical that is released when we cry. True, emotional tears. Not tears from cutting an onion, but tears from our heart and soul. My mom noticed a stickiness on her glasses one day after we had a good cry together. That may be the chemical?? After i had a good cry last night, Brian asked me if i felt better. I wanted to say no, but i really did. There is something about crying and letting it out. I have given myself the freedom to feel what i feel and to cry when i need to cry.............

..........and i want to sing! It is also good and healing for my soul. So i realized last night, that it does not help me to ask why. I know i am allowed to, but I may never know that answer this side of Heaven. Today i got up and felt the desire to sing, and then realized that it has been awhile. So i turned on the CD that has helped to get me through the past months, Deliver Me by Selah. I feel like every song was written for me. Maybe it is because the lead singer lost a baby girl too, and has walked this road. I stumbled through Deliver Me, and then sang Hosanna. The lyrics at the top of the screen made me see again, that what the Lord cares about is our hearts and what has ALWAYS been my prayer is for God to help me to see people as He sees them. Maybe this is part of that process........I hear every lyric of every song in a way i have not heard before, read every book in a way i have not read before, and i know when i get back into eveyday life, I will hear every person's story in a way i would not have heard before. I know that God wastes nothing. He is a good God. He is a loving God. He will use this experience to glorify Himself and He has our best interests in mind and will use it throughout our lives. I don't know how He does it, but i believe He will do it. Our time on earth is to prepare us for Eternity with Him.

So I am going to start singing more. It lifts my heart up and my eyes to the Heavens. That is where my help comes from. As we walk ahead, I know He is with us and will give us everything we need for each moment.

I lift my eyes up to the hills --- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.: Psalm 121:1-2

In His Grip~ Mo

"Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest!!!!"

Hosanna: a cry of praise or adoration to God.