Couldn't sleep...

I tried to go to bed early tonight. And after laying there for awhile, i finally decided to get up. I couldn't sleep. And my husband is sawing logs, bless his heart. I am glad that he can sleep so easily. My brain is full, my heart is heavy for the Parreria's. If you live in the area you have probably heard that their 2 year old son Cash went to be with Jesus yesterday afternoon. He had a brain tumor and fought hard for a year. It was strange because I was staining boards for our house in the shop yesterday from 2-4:30 and when I read their blog today, I found out that Cash took his last breath at 3:50. I cried. I was praying for them all afternoon yesterday. I do not know what it is like to lose my 2 year old child. But I do know what it was like to lose Esther, and the pain that was so intense, especially in those first few days & weeks. Saying goodbye, holding your child for the last time, deciding when you are ready to give them to a person who is going to them away. How do you say goodbye? Honestly, it is by the grace of God, that is the only way you get through such a devastating loss. I was thinking of them having to go through that yesterday. Our loss of Esther is so fresh and my heart went out to them. So I prayed that Jesus would just surround them in a mighty way, like he surrounded us during a time that was unimaginable. That He would bring them comfort in a way they have never experienced. Until you lose such a precious one, you don't fully understand God as Comforter. I didn't, because I had never needed comfort so badly until I lost my daughter. God was there, as He always is. And God will be with the Parreria's as they walk this journey...............but my heart breaks.
If you want to hear there story go to: http://www.acashofhope.blogspot.com/

My brain is also full because I feel like I have been trying to "figure" things out. My brain starts to hurt when I do that. I told my sister that the other day, and she said, "yeah, because that's what you do." She had me. She knows me so well, and knows that I analyze things from every angle. I feel like I haven't been as bad, since I have chosen to trust Jesus with my life, but I still think............a lot. I want to understand why things happen. What our life is going to look like. To try to make sense of things. One of the many things I have learned through these past few months, is that life doesn't make sense, and I am NOT in control. I have had a lot of dreams over the past few years about me saving babies/children. Dreams are strange and for the most part I don't think my dreams mean anything, however the dream I had a few nights ago spoke pretty clearly to me. Well, God spoke clearly to me. I was on a dock surrounded by water of some sort. A toddler jumped into the water and clearly couldn't swim. His head was several inches below the surface, but was still within reach. Someone jumped in to save him, but jumped way beyond where he was. So i reached down and grabbed him and pulled him out. I was holding him in my lap, and he said, in a very adult voice. "You are not the Lord in Heaven." I don't know if those were the exact words, but that is what was spoken to my heart the next day when I woke up. OK God -I hear you! I am so grateful that He reminds me of that when I start to begin to analyze and figure my life out. I will never figure it out, and am actually thankful that I don't have to. I don't want to be in control, and yet I act like I do because my mind wanders as I try to figure things out. So because God is so good, and doesn't want me to stay where I am at, He speaks to me through Jesus Calling again today.

January 29 says - "Keep your focus on me.........Let the goal of this day be to bring every thought captive to Me. 2 Corinthians 10:5 Whenever your mind wanders, lasso those thoughts and bring them into My Presence. In My radiant Light, anxious thoughts shrink and shrivel away. Judgmental thoughts are unmasked as you bask in My unconditional Love. Confused ideas are untangled while you rest in the simplicity of My Peace. I will guard you and keep you in constant Peace, as you focus your mind on Me." Isaiah 26:3

I love that. Confused ideas are untangled while you rest in the simplicity..............ok so that shouldn't hurt my head............simplicity of My Peace. Man that sounds so good. So I need to bring every thought captive to Jesus, and not let it take me to a place that I am not to go. When my mind wanders and I try to see what our future will hold, I can get anxious. As I think about losing Esther, I think about the future, and sometimes I wonder if God even wants us to have kids. Then I can't imagine why He would not. Then I have this battle in my head, as I did while I was laying in bed tonight. That is not my place, or anything that I have to worry about. God is in control. I am not. He wants what is best for us and I trust Him. I want what He wants and I know it will be good. Done.........and done. Goodnight!