Thursday, November 10, 2011

November 11

I know it is a day early, but I thought i would journal a little bit about what is on my heart today...about tomorrow. I stopped by Esther's grave today. A beautiful sunny day. I just wanted to say that I loved her and was sooooo thankful for her life. I was hanging out with my friend this morning and she told me that she remembered tomorrow. And she said how much I had grown in the last year. If you don't know what tomorrow is that's ok! It was the day of our 20 week appointment where we found out that Esther would probably not make it into this earthly world. I have a mix of emotions. So thankful for all God has done in our lives this past year, and in my life personally. Her gravestone says what the top page of this blog says, There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world. That is so true, but even truer now than a year ago, you know? When time goes by, you realize the impact that a life has on the world. On my world. I thought about all the people that her life impacted, but realized, standing there this morning, that probably the biggest life she impacted was mine! I am a different person today. I know that she changed me, I knew that back then, but today I can see how different I am. I love God more. I love people more. I trust God more. I love life more. I appreciate little things. I realize what is important in life, and things that really don't matter at all. And I see God in every situation, good and bad. HE IS EVERYWHERE. Nothing takes him by surprise or catches him off guard, even though often times we are. He does not forget things, or forget about us. He is involved in every detail. Crappy things happen, but He is there. He promises He will be there. God does not lie. Do I believe that He is there? Yes, yes, yes. More now than ever before. I have so many thoughts about so many things. I went to a Jeremy Camp concert Sunday night, and it was absolutely incredible. So worshipful, and so real. He is completely spirit led as he sings and shares about his life. It was so awesome to hear! He lost his wife 10 years ago to cancer. He said that he had wanted to write a book, but it just wasn't time. Wasn't time. Wasn't time. I thought, that is me! So much of my story is still being written in my life. Through our loss of Esther, and as God is working things out in my life. I want to write a book. I have a title and everything. But it's just not time yet. I don't know when it will be, but I am excited that some day I will get our whole story out on paper even if only for myself. Jeremy did just write his book, and I bought it and i am excited to read it. He has so much depth to him, that I know came through walking the tough journey that he did. It changed who he was. And God is using him and his story to draw others to Himself. That's what God uses everything for! So He can be glorified. I know that I have more depth to me than I did before and I am so thankful for that. God wastes nothing. Not one single thing we go through does he waste. He is God and he uses everything. I have said this a lot the past few days with other things going on around me......"what satan means for evil, God can use for good." You can try Satan, but you don't win! You will never win! He can try to harm us here but when our hearts belong to Jesus, he will never win. God wins. God redeems, and in a totally supernatural way beyond our comprehension, can make bad things good. I love that about HIM! That is one of the most amazing things about God. Our minds cant comprehend HIM! And I am so glad.......he is too big.....there are no words......

So I am pondering my daughter today, what her life means and will continue to mean as we live out our lives here on earth, however long that may be. I cherish each day, and am grateful for a new perspective. To not live in the future, but to live in today. What does God have for me today?? There is so much contentment in that. So much excitement. When we think too far ahead, there is fear, questions, wonder. How do we know what even tomorrow will bring? I want to live today the best way I can, and ask God to illuminate the path for me.