Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
If you want to hear there story go to: http://www.acashofhope.blogspot.com/
My brain is also full because I feel like I have been trying to "figure" things out. My brain starts to hurt when I do that. I told my sister that the other day, and she said, "yeah, because that's what you do." She had me. She knows me so well, and knows that I analyze things from every angle. I feel like I haven't been as bad, since I have chosen to trust Jesus with my life, but I still think............a lot. I want to understand why things happen. What our life is going to look like. To try to make sense of things. One of the many things I have learned through these past few months, is that life doesn't make sense, and I am NOT in control. I have had a lot of dreams over the past few years about me saving babies/children. Dreams are strange and for the most part I don't think my dreams mean anything, however the dream I had a few nights ago spoke pretty clearly to me. Well, God spoke clearly to me. I was on a dock surrounded by water of some sort. A toddler jumped into the water and clearly couldn't swim. His head was several inches below the surface, but was still within reach. Someone jumped in to save him, but jumped way beyond where he was. So i reached down and grabbed him and pulled him out. I was holding him in my lap, and he said, in a very adult voice. "You are not the Lord in Heaven." I don't know if those were the exact words, but that is what was spoken to my heart the next day when I woke up. OK God -I hear you! I am so grateful that He reminds me of that when I start to begin to analyze and figure my life out. I will never figure it out, and am actually thankful that I don't have to. I don't want to be in control, and yet I act like I do because my mind wanders as I try to figure things out. So because God is so good, and doesn't want me to stay where I am at, He speaks to me through Jesus Calling again today.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
This week is different....... I have been in my trailer all week. Resting, and writing and processing, thinking about Esther, listening to music that soothes my soul, singing, crying, reading, praying, and writing. I have so many things going on in my head, it has been good to have this time.
I bought a few books and am on my 2nd one. It is called Safe in the Arms of God, by John MacArthur. It is truth from God's word about the death of a child. I was struck by something that he wrote. I know that it is true but I needed to hear this today. "God has a unique plan and purpose for every child conceived. We may not understand His plan fully. We may not be able to comprehend God's purposes. But we can know with faith that our perfect God does not err. He does not allow a conception that is beyond His sovereign plan and purposes." (pg. 23) On most days, I am convinced that Esther had a purpose for her life. I know that. But i would be lying if there weren't some days that I asked God, "God why did you allow her to live for 6 months, only for her to die?" I wonder how everything came together so perfectly with the timing of being pregnant with her, I knew God brought it to be. And yet it is that same question that tells me her life WAS so purposeful. "For such a time as this...." from the book of Esther in the Bible. I know God would not have created her if not for a reason, a purpose. Her life was on purpose for a purpose. I believe that, even though i wish she was here. When i was first pregnant with her, I dreamed of how God was going to use her life, how he would be glorified in her. What i didn't know then, is that He was going to glorify Himself through her short life, but more in her death. And He would glorify Himself in us as He walks with us, as we partner with Him and allow Him to walk us through the valley of the shadow of death. To prove Himself to us and to show the world, HIS people that He is trustworthy, that He can be depended on. We CAN trust Him, when all else seems to be shattering around us, He is there. He asked us to trust Him, and we did...........we do. I don't understand it, I don't like it, but I trust Him and that is all He asks of us. We prayed for a miracle. That God would heal her and he would be glorified and everyone would know that He is God, because there is no way that she could have been healed unless by the POWER OF THE LIVING GOD. Wow, wouldn't that be amazing I thought? He did give us a miracle though. My footnotes in John 2 says that miracles are not merely superhuman events, but events that demonstrate God's power. Esther's life and death is doing that! This miracle is explained well in 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 - "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." We are able to make it through not because we are strong, but because our God is strong. We are merely jars of clay, fragile so that we will know the power is not from us, couldn't be from us. It is God's power in us. Wow. All He asks is that we trust Him. The miracle is happening now.................
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
It is really neat when you look at all the words we have used for the past 2 months in a collage like this. I think it is a great picture of the Lord's faithfulness, and the grace He gives to us. Many different emotions happening all at the same time. It is good, it is sad, and it is rich. Blessings~
Click on the picture to see it up close~
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I can honestly say that I don't really have a deeper prayer life. As we went through that experience there were many days that all i could utter was - "help me Lord. Be with me Lord. I don't know how to do this Lord. I am scared Lord. " Monday December 20, 2010- (Esther's birthday) I was more scared than i think i have ever been in my life. I wanted to stay in that moment, but not. And yet i was too scared to move ahead. On that day all i could say was "help me Jesus". Even in the days since i have felt numb, sad, have questioned, been in a fog and have only a few times been able to spend extended time with the Lord. What i realize though is that i am a changed person and I see things differently. I see everything differently, and I know that as God carries me through this valley he will continue to draw me closer to himself and my response is one of prayer and praise. How can i not respond to him??? He hears our cries and even when we can't verbalize a prayer with words, he can search deep into our soul and He hears what we cannot even say! That is a loving God who knows us inside and out. When i asked for a deeper prayer life, what I didn't realize i was asking for was a deeper relationship with Him. I wanted to have a closer relationship with the living God. Interesting, because what prayer does is draw us close to God as we come to Him in prayer! We have also been SO loved on my so many people that God has put in our life. I have only been able to rest and receive from others. We have accepted gladly, knowing that this is one of the ways the Lord is providing for our needs - emotional needs as well as our tangible needs. It is all i am able to do, I have nothing to give anyone really, and that is a weird place for me to be, because i am a giver. So i am resting and receiving from the Lord...........in the many ways He is giving to me and to us in this season. Giving Him space to come in and heal our sad and broken hearts. He is good. Thank you to all of you who have lifted us up to Jesus for comfort and healing. He is so present through His Spirit and all of you.............
Thursday, January 6, 2011
So I am going to start singing more. It lifts my heart up and my eyes to the Heavens. That is where my help comes from. As we walk ahead, I know He is with us and will give us everything we need for each moment.
I lift my eyes up to the hills --- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.: Psalm 121:1-2
In His Grip~ Mo