Saturday, May 14, 2011

Hello everyone - I am back after a bit of a hiatus. I have loved blogging, but then I was so busy getting our house ready, puttying holes, cleaning, landscaping, cleaning, and more cleaning, and I was just exhausted!! We have been in our house for 3 weeks today. I absolutely love it. I don't like to leave.......ever:) I should post some pictures soon. I am trying to get up the motivation to go outside in the rain...go figure its raining......and plant some flowers. Brian is a machine, seriously, he is out digging trenches for sprinklers, pouring footings for the shop, grading the yard, etc. I guess that is a man for you.....go go go and get it done! i love that about him. Whereas for me, i would rather stay inside and decorate my house......

I just felt the desire to write today. I have been doing well spiritually, emotionally, and so on. Mother's Day was hard. Harder than i thought it would be. When i am good, i forget what it feels like to be sad. So as Mother's Day approached i had been feeling good. And when i am sad, that does not mean i am not good. I am just sad. So I had received some very special cards and emails from friends and family, and I just cried! Because everything was so true! I am a mother, but my daughter who made me a mother is not here for me to love. My mom got a book from her cousin called Motherless Daughters. This was my moms first mothers day without Grammie, and she was so sad. And in my mind, when she told me that title, i must have switched it around, because i thought she said, Daughterless Mothers. And i thought, that is me!! It sometimes doesn't feel like i am a mom, because my baby isn't here. Such a strange feeling at times. And i do want to have kids to love, but just don't feel ready yet. Part of me is scared. But its funny because as the events of this past year have happened, it has made me feel and see how much control WE DON'T HAVE! We really don't, and when we trust our lives to Christ, we are telling him that HE has control. So I am not scared in a way, but then I am. And on the other hand the world is ending May 21st right?! Which i would be more than happy to be in Heaven now, but I know thats not the end of the world, because no one knows the day or hour in which Christ will return! Darn it......... Im partially kidding, but partially not. I really am ready to go to Heaven. More and more I am seeing that things of the earth will not ever satisfy the longing in our soul. When i am at peace with that, then I don't look to people or things, but only to God. Then we are disappointed less and less because we know that only God can satisfy our deepest longing and desire. When we look to him, we are not disappointed. I do believe God has a wonderful hope and future for all of us. I just think that it looks different than what we think we want or expect. There is a song by Laura Story called Blessings. It is amazing. She talks about the hard things that come in life, and maybe that is the blessing. What if it takes those things to bring about the blessing? I have been pondering that a lot. Because i know that God does use all that stuff in our lives to draw us closer to him. Life isn't about being easy and happy all the time. I used to thing that when i was younger. If something bad happened i thought i had maybe done something wrong. Or was being punished for something. Through these past years God has shown me that bad things happen. Across the board. Not to just Christians, or to non-Christians or to people who deserve something. Or to people who are good and have done everything right and followed God. How could this happen to them, they are such great people?! Sin is universal and touches us all in some way or another. Pain touches us all. We do not have immunity just because we are Christians. In Heaven, we will have immunity! (Sorry i watch the Biggest Loser:)) All things will be as they were supposed to be. No pain, no sorrow, no bad relationships! We will have the ultimate relationship with God! WOW! And others, perfect, and free from our sinful natures. I can't wait!

That also motivates me everyday. I want to go where God leads me. We don't know how much time we, or anyone else have on this earth. I want to be a good steward with the time God has given me. I have been resting and healing and enjoying my new house, and processing A LOT. But at the same time, I feel a burden for the high school kids that i have been called to reach. Two girls at Young Life club last week accepted Christ. They chose to follow Jesus, but it comes at a cost. It is hard, especially in the world we live in today, where everything is telling them another message. I am excited to meet with them and help them learn what that means. It is an honor to get to do that with High School girls! i can't even explain it. I LOVE to help others understand who Jesus is and how much he LOVES THEM! For some, it is something they have never heard.

Well, my coffee is done, and my plants are not going to plant themselves, so i will go for now. May God Bless You richly today. HE IS SO GOOD!