Thursday, June 30, 2011

Long pictures

So i feel so bad that I have not posted pictures of our house yet. We have been in our new house for about 2 months now. It is such a gift from the Lord. I love it so much and am so grateful to God! Here are a few pictures of the finished product. I am still decorating. But here are the interior pictures. When that is complete I will post more pictures!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I meet with some amazing women every Tuesday morning at 6 am. I am inspired and enouraged by them all the time. In life. These are some of the people who loved on me and Brian in our darkest hour. They didn't know what to do, but they did what they could do and I love them! They were there and that is all that they needed to do. Wow! I am humbled and blessed by how God used them and so many others in our life. He truly does provide for us and give us EVERYTHING we need.

We talked a lot this morning about why bad things happen. I think that is a question we will never fully have answered here on earth with our human minds. Why does He stop some bad things from happening, but not others? He has the power to do ANYTHING. And yet sometimes He chooses to allow some crappy things in life. I know that He shows us himself through those dark times, and yet the Why question still isn't answered. I found peace when i decided to stop asking why we lost Esther. That question still comes up at least a couple times a week. Just pops up, and then again I realize I don't know, but God does and i must rest in that. It is hard. So hard though! But God is God. I am not God. I don't understand His ways, but this I know. That He loves me and wants the best for me, and is working His best out in my life, THROUGHOUT my life. The good and the bad. That is hard to grasp?? The good, the bad, the ugly He is working it all out. But yet we process and we wrestle and that is good. I don't think it matters what we do or feel, what questions we ask, the pain we feel, the anger, the long as we are turned to Christ and bringing all that to Him. He already knows anyway, and He gets it. He knows the pain we are in, and yet His grace covers us. It is unexplainable. But in Psalm 91 we read this morning, from the message version, He says it so well. I think this is a theme for life.

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says GOD, "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!" last paragrah of Psalm 91

I believe that the key is to hold on to Jesus for dear life, and sometimes thats what it feels like! Like we will drown if we let go. He gives us the best care - but we still have hurt and pain - and yet He is giving us the best care. But, the big but in this is that we trust him. Get to know HIM. This is so awesome. Because He doesn't ask us to be perfect and do it all right, and not ever make a mistake (which i used to think) He asks us to simply trust Him.....IN HIM. The only thing that we have to do is trust. And at times that is so hard, but even if we are looking His way, and we are angry, and sad, and disappointed, yet looking His way, I believe that is trust. We are to have faith as a mustard seed. A mustard seed is really small. He takes our mustard seed and grows it and uses the hard times, and our clinging to him and increases our trust and our faith in him. This is what He has done throughout my life. It is a God thing. All i do is turn to Him. My cousin said once when i was having a rough time about 8 years ago, that if we are clinging to him just by a fingernail, we are still clinging!! We are still facing him, even if all we feel we can do is turn and stare. Nothing else. I thing that is all Jesus wants us to do. Is to face Him, and let Him do what needs to be done to get us through. Let him do the hard work. I think that is what the equipping us is. He equips us for what He calls us to. He doesn't equip us ahead of time. Giving us what we need, the moment we need it. Equipping, grace for the moment, it all seems the same to me. It is how God shows up in the blackest time. In a time we think we will never make it through. But we can get through, if we hang on to Him for dear life. Get to know him and trust him. HE WILL ANSWER!!!!! Because he says he will, and God does not lie. And the last part............"I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!" Eternity with HIM. Oh that sounds lovely.......... I can. not. wait.

Monday, June 27, 2011

My heart breaks......

My heart hurts for other moms who have just recently lost their babies. I have only heard of a few losses of babies since losing Esther, and then these two suddenly and tragic as they all are. I drove by the cemetary and gazed over at Esther's spot last week, like normal, and noticed that there was a new little person buried right next to her. This intrigued me and saddened me at the same time. I could hardly even stand it and wanted to go back and look at who it was. His name was Carter Kimmel. And he was a twin. I googled his name because I wanted to know if I knew the family. I don't think i do, but it is crazy how i can immediately identify with the pain. Yes each person is different, and each loss is different. But that initial pain, and sadness, and heartbrokenness was right there again. And this boy was a twin to Cohen. Being a twin, that piles the sadness on even more! I hope to get to meet their mom sometime......

Another young couple in our church is on vacation in Mexico. Yesterday at church a gal told me right away that they had been 5 months pregnant with twins and had gone into premature labor. They lost one baby and she had gone into surgery to try to save the other baby. But i found out today they lost both of the babies. In Mexico. Alone. And the pain was right there. I wanted to cry for her because i know that pain, and yet she mourns 2 losses. I am so so sad for her. I have been burdened for them since i found out. My mom talked to her mom today and they just cried. Grandmothers grieving doubly, for their children who are in pain, and their own loss of their grandbabies. Can't imagine.....and yet i can. Don't know what to do.......and yet all we can do is pray. God is the same God. The One who met us in our darkest hour, i trust met them in their darkest hour, and will continue to do so. He is in control even though it is an awful thing to have to go through. As i have pondered this, I know God had every detail in His hands. The pain is there, no doubt, but so is HE! With them, comforting them and holding them up when they don't know what to do. God is faithful! And i trust Him. And I pray his grace and mercy and comfort comes over them like a warm blanket. In a way ONLY He can. I know this because He did this for us and proved always! I am so thankful we have the Lord to carry us through dark valleys. I have said before, we can't imagine other people's pain, because it is not our pain, and God does not give us the grace for someone else's trials. He gives us the grace to walk through whatever comes our way! I have never been more thankful for the grace of God until we lost our baby girl. I am doing well today, by the grace of GOD! And that is it....

Please pray for these 2 families. That God would be EVERYTHING that they need. God Bless~ Monica