Mommy Poem for Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is tomorrow.  Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mother's, whether you have children here on earth, or if they are in Heaven.  Last year this time, I was having a rough time. I knew I was a mom, but I didn't feel like a mom.  I was wrestling with all those emotions, and then I got a message from my dear cousin, and at the end she said, "you are a wonderful mother."  And I bawled!  That was the first time I really truly thought of myself as a mom!  And I guess I just think that there could be some mom's out there today, who like me, don't feel like a mom, because their children are not here.  Yesterday, I went to a beautiful memorial service for a friend's baby girl, whose name was also Esther.  It was so glorifying to God and honoring to Esther.  It was their first child, and my friend will be spending her first Mother's Day tomorrow, without her child, and that is so hard........

I found this poem on the blog of a grieving mom. I loved it. This is for all of us mom's who don't have our babies here with us on Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day, you are ALL wonderful mothers!!!

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

Right where I am supposed to be....

Today i feel like my heart wants to burst. It really is hard to describe! Well the sunshine does help, but i have felt for awhile now that I am right where I am supposed to be. That WE are right where we are supposed to be. A few months back, the sun was out, and Brian and I were taking a walk outside. I just had this overwhelming sense, that in spite of everything that our last year held, that day, we were right where God wanted us. It is a strange but peaceful feeling. Not because I had what I wanted, or because anything special or exciting had happened......but that God had us right where HE wanted. This past week, that has been affirmed. I love ministry. I love being able to meet with my young girlfriends. Share life with them, share their joy and their pain, and listen to them and hear where they are at. I LOVE IT! For my job, I get to meet with people to talk about Young Life, and the possibility of them being a leader. As I get to hear their story, I just burst inside! I get to share with them what it means to be a part of the ministry and serve the Lord, and how THEY will be blessed, and encouraged and strengthened in their walk with Christ. AND I AM ENCOURAGED..... AGAIN......and i hear it again, "Monica, this is what I put you on this earth to do!" Not because it is all about me, but because God has gifted me and placed me, right here, right now, at this point in time, for a reason. WE all are. We all have a purpose and a divine design and when we are operating in that place, it is so sweet...........and it is all from God. It is his work that he does through us. Would I be here right now, had we not gone through what we did? Losing our baby?? I don't know. But i know that God is Sovereign and he makes ALL things work together for our good. Yes that is a song, and yes that is a verse. Romans 8:28.........I know that experiencing loss has given me more compassion, sensitivity to where others are at, discernment, and a LOVE that I did not have before. God just meets us! In our deepest pain, GOD SHOWS UP! And HE changes our lives in the process. Does it hurt? Yes....terribly. But God will redeem anything that we bring to him, that we give to him. ANYTHING!!! In John, Jesus talks about remaining in Him, and about pruning in our lives. Branches are cut off, that are not producing fruit, and branches are pruned, so that they can produce more fruit. I want to produce more fruit. I do, desperately. I want more of God and I know that does not come without pain, and challenges. He is using my life experiences. He brought Brian and I together at this place and time for a purpose. Brian was 38 for crying out loud! When i talk to my young friends about waiting for God's best, i tell them our story, and they go, oh man 38!!! I don't want to wait that long...... I get it, i didn't either, and I KNOW Brian didn't want to wait that long....but he did, and I did, because we trusted God and knew that He had something more for us. It is no accident. It is no accident that we lost Esther. God in his loving Sovereignty allowed that to happen, and I know He brought others to himself because of that. That is what it is all about. Not about us. Having said, that I am hopeful for a brother or sister for Esther. Someday...... I don't know when that will be, and whether our family will be natural or from other mothers, but it will be God's perfect timing. And I trust Him. Thank you to all of you who are so faithful in praying for us to have a baby. He really has given me such a peace about His timing, and His plan. I need to do what He has called me to do. Right?? Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.....or something like that. I just trust that He is taking care of us. He always has, even in our darkest place, and he always will. I am so grateful for his blessings. Like I have said before, I appreciate life so much! More than i ever have, and this life does not compare to what life with Christ in Eternity will be. I have such an appreciation for all the people God has brought into my life this past year. Other grieving mothers, I have such a love and so much admiration for them. We have all walked a hard road, one that no one wants to walk, and many cannot imagine, but they have shown courage, just walking it. That is all we can do is walk, we have no choice, but He shows up to walk with us. God works in miraculous and mysterious ways, and I have seen His awesomeness this past year! The leaders I get to walk with and encourage in life and in ministry......what a gift for me!! I feel like I have so many "spiritual kids" because of the time I have spent in Young Life ministry. Ones I have seen come to know him, and even stray away, but years later come back to him!! It is all about planting seeds. Loving people unconditionally. Accepting others where they are at. I was loved on this way growing up.......and I strayed away.......but I came back............My cup is overflowing..... God you are so good.

God Is Able

Sunday at church the youth worship band led us in worship. They were amazing~ I can't believe I have never heard this song before, but God is Able, by Hillsong is powerful! As i have listened to it the past few days, over and over, I feel like it describes my heart! I was reading my bible this morning. Sometimes I feel like even though I am spending time with Jesus, I don't necessarily connect with him. But I love worship. That is my language, and I feel like when I have no words to say, or need to connect to God, I can turn on a specific worship song, and it is as though it speaks my heart, and God is right there with me! This morning as I turned this song on, I just got all choked up at these words......

God is with us, He will go before
He will never leave us, He will never leave us
God is for us, He has open arms
He will never fail us, He will never fail us

This is who God is! It doesn't matter where we are in life, what hardships we are going through, this is the truth. As Beth Moore says, our hardships set up the backdrop for God to show up, and show off! This is the kind of God we have. And life is hard, and painful, but it does not change WHO God is. That He is able, that He beat death! "Lifted up, he defeated the grave, raised to life, our God is able. In his name we overcome!" He has the power to raise us to life! Real life. Eternal life. Our brothers and sisters in Christ, our children, we have lost who have gone before us, we will see again, because He died and rose again!! Death will die forever when Jesus comes back. Isn't that awesome?? And whatever we go through on this earth, God is with us. He will never leave us, he will never fail us. Ahh, such truth my heart needed to sing to God, to tell him that I believe that this morning!!

Ephesians 3:20 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Praise to our God who is able....

you can pause the playlist on the bottom of the page and then listen!

Water into Wine

So i have had some thoughts brewing for the past few weeks. I was preparing for a Young Life club talk. I just have started reading, "Just Give Me Jesus" by Anne Graham Lotz, and she talked about Jesus turning water into wine. How many different ways that it applies to us in our lives and the different seasons we may go through. It captivated me. Because I had been chewing on that for some time, I decided that I would speak about an aspect of that miracle, that very first miracle, at club. As i read it over and over there were so many things that struck me, especially in relation to where I am at in life right now. John 2 begins with Jesus and his disciples,and his mother at a wedding feast, when the wine runs out. Now this was a huge deal! Back in those days, the groom could have a lawsuit slapped on him by the bride's family because of this! Can you imagine that? The fact that the wine ran out, was big. I wonder how Jesus' mother knew that the wine had run out. Was it the wedding of a family friend? Someone they were close to, maybe a sibling of Jesus? But Jesus' mother finds out and tells Jesus. Of course Jesus says, I love this, "dear woman, why do you involve me?? My time has not yet come." But then she says to the servants, "do whatever he tells you to do." I love that she knew that Jesus could change this situation. She knew the power that he had, even though up until this point he had not performed any miracles! But Jesus having been conceived by the Holy Spirit inside her womb? Yeah, she knew who He was:) The servants obeyed, they filled big stone jars to the brim with water just as Jesus told them to do. And then, this is so great......now scoop some out and take it to the master of the banquet. What?! I can imagine what was going through their heads......Jesus, you just had us fill up these stone jars, these foot washing, ceremonial cleansing jars, and now you want us to bring THIS water to the master of the banquet?!? Are you kidding?? Well that's what would have gone through my head...... Crap, what am i going to do when i get there with this nasty foot washing water? But the servants obeyed. And when he got to the master of the banquet and served him, it was the best wine he had ever tasted!! Jesus didn't turn wonderful, pure, fresh water into wine, but he took dirty water that was not even used to drink, and turned it into the most amazing wine!!! Amazing........As i was picturing this scene, i thought about my own life. What is the "water" in my life? That as I do what Jesus asks me to do, he turns it into "wine?" The best thing. Whatever that is. Because this account doesn't say that Jesus touched the water, and then it became wine. It doesn't say that, although he could have. But as the servant walked the water to the master of the banquet, by obeying THE MASTER, the water became wine. Monday night, as I spoke, and held the pitcher of dirty water (I made a concoction of water with lemon juice and soy sauce, looked like dirty water i would have imagined it looking like??) and walked as if i was walking to the master of the banquet, it just struck me that the miracle happened, in the obeying, as he walked.....somewhere along the line, the water had become wine! What in my life, is the water, that when I bring it to Jesus, obey what he tells me to do, can turn into something amazing!? In my life right now, I believe it is the "waiting." I feel like I am in a waiting period. But what I have always believed about waiting periods, is that I never want them to be "wasting" periods. I don't want to waste my life waiting for the next thing. If you know my story, then you probably know that we have such a desire to have children. But it's not happening right now. So in a sense I feel like because it has not happened yet, that I am waiting for it happen. Then I hung out with a dear single friend last week, who is reading a book called, Lady in Waiting, and I thought, you know what? At different seasons in life, we are all waiting on something. I remember being single, and desiring to be married so bad. But wrestling with that with the Lord, and coming to a place of contentment. I didn't want to waste what the Lord had for me in that time. Because it is rich! There has to be something big that God has for us in the waiting period.......Refining us, shaping us, molding us, pouring into us, in ways that only He can in that time. Whether we are waiting for a spouse, waiting for a child, waiting for the perfect job, waiting for retirement, waiting for__________......fill in your blank. Whatever it is there are seasons of waiting, and yet they should not be wasted. How sad for us to miss out on what God has for us in that season of waiting. We learn contentment. We are strengthened. We rely on God, and not on a dream of what we "think" we want or need. He wants to be our EVERYTHING! And He knows that so often He is not. Because we have a tricky, conniving, deceitful enemy who wants to steal our joy. He wants us to be unhappy where we are, and want "more". To never be satisfied with where we are at. And i say, Get out of here Satan! You have no place here. My God is loving, giving and kind. He has blessed me so much! He cares about me more than anything! He does not withhold things from me, HE wants the best for me!! He has great things in store, but it is not according to my plan. God does not follow my rules. It is according to His plan, because He is good. Life is painful at times, but HE IS WITH YOU. He is with me. He wants me to fully rely on him and only him. So in this season, I am bringing him my "water" and as I go, as I obey, as I follow him each and every day, I trust that He will turn that into "wine." The best wine ever! Do i know what that is, or what it will look like? Nope. But I know, because He is God, and He loves me and Brian, that He has good plans for us. And I can rest in that.

Jan. 6-8 : Chains Broken

A few weeks ago, I attended our Regional Young Life Leadership Conference in Ocean Shores. I went to this last year, and the Lord spoke very clearly to me at that time, about where I was at a year ago. So grateful for that. I was excited to see what He had in store for me this time! As I have shared I had been struggling. And I don't think I realized how much I had been struggling until this particular weekend. Because you see, Jesus set me free! I was reminded of this this morning at church, as we sang, "In the Name of Jesus, there is life and healing. Chains are broken, in YOUR Name." I was again, so grateful that Jesus had broken the chains of darkness that had been hanging over me. I realized that we often don't see the mess that we are in, while we are in the mess. Or we don't see how bad it is, until we are no longer in the mess. Hindsight, I guess. But I see now, and am so so grateful to God for the healing that He brought about that weekend.......

Angel Ruiz is one of our divisional vice presidents for Young Life, and was the keynote speaker for this weekend. He talked about going BIG, and what we have to do, or release in our lives, to be able to grab hold of what God has for us, in order for us to Go Big. Go Big in Jesus, and in the ministry. What is holding us back? He shared his story, about how God spoke clearly to he and his wife that it was time to pick up and move their family across the country to L.A. That there are kids in L.A. who need to be reached with the Gospel of Jesus Christ! They obeyed and moved and are there, but had no idea what they were doing. I thought, that is me! Brian and I know that God called me back on staff with Young Life full time, but it was not our plan, and frankly I was scared. I have been scared thinking of how it will all work out, and when kids come into the picture, can I really do it? Can I work full time and raise a family? I believe that the enemy began using that doubt and those questions, to begin to "build a fortress" and set up camp in my life, to cause me anxiety, and fear as I thought about the future. So interesting..........clear leading, clear calling, and open doors and affirmation. AND STILL, I began to doubt, to try to humanly understand, what is not my job to understand!!! I read Proverbs 3: 5-6. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart. Lean NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING, in ALL your ways ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, and HE will make your paths straight." I am thankful for God's WORD. When I try to understand, think about, process the future, that is when I am weakened! That is not my job. I am not supposed to understand HOW it will all work out, I am supposed to trust the ONE who knows THAT it will work out, and it will be good. My job is to trust. How many times have I said that to myself? I was in such a negative place. I was looking at God like a family was what God was not allowing me to have, RATHER, than trusting him and WAITING expectantly for Him and HIS plan and HIS timing. The day after I got back from this weekend, Jesus Calling said this, Jan. 9. "Much, much stress results in your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert my Sovereignty is in the timing of events." Wow! I said, thank you thank you God! Thank you that you are in control and have the plan, and again, I wait on Him. God graciously shows me that again, and again, when we get to these major points in life. And so this weekend, I knew in a minute what I was holding onto, and what I needed to release in order to Go Big, and allow Jesus to do with me what he wants. Angel asked us to get on our knees and physically hold our hands out, with whatever "that thing" was that we needed to release, so that God could replace in our hands what HE wants. Oh God did it. He took it from me, as I layed my desire, my plan, my timing for a family in HIS hands, and opened my hand to take HIM. I felt like God was saying, "Monica, you have allowed this desire to take the #1 place. I need to be your #1, and your family, and everything else has to come after." Seek first HIS kingdom, and all these things will be added to you. I had gotten my priorities out of order. And isn't this what the evil one wants. He wants us to get distracted by lesser things! Not that having a family is a bad desire, but if that desire comes before Jesus, then things are out of whack! The enemy wants us to get distracted by our own desires, worries, fears. And he sets up camp. The rest of this weekend was amazing. After this release, I began to see Jesus fulfilling in me, what He had called me to do. Had awesome time with the leaders, I have the privilege of leading. And God used the story of one of our leaders to increase my faith in his timing and his plan. He didn't call me to this job because I have everything I need for it, or because I am qualified. He called me and promised to qualify me! What a gift! I am learning to trust Him more, to trust what He can do in and through me, and not rely so much on myself. I know that whatever he brings me to, I can handle because He will give me what I need. Not before, but as I need him and his strength.

As I drove home from this weekend, I felt free. I felt like I was floating home! The previous week, I had not slept well, was experiencing fear and anxiety, and as I drove home, I knew it was gone! I was free. I thought, is this what people feel like when they first receive Christ, maybe those who have lived a bit longer and have more that they realize they have been forgiven for!? That is what I felt like. And it was nothing I did, but everything Jesus did. All I had to do was release what I was hanging on to.........I look forward to what God has in store. But daily, I need to go to HIS WORD for encouragement and strength to battle the enemy, because he knows that is an area of weakness. We must use our weapons from the LORD to battle the very real enemy....with His Word, the Shield of Faith, the Sword of the Spirit and Worship HIM daily! The devil hates Worship.

I encourage you today......Is there something in your life that you need to release to Jesus, so that you can Go Big in this life? What has he called you to do, and are you doing it? Sometimes we have to let go of something, so he can fulfill His purposes in our lives, which will be AMAZING! Praise the Lord he doesn't give up on us!

You are My Shepherd

If you have 3 and half minutes, and also are in need of encouragement, please listen to this song. (Pause the playlist on the bottom of the page.)God spoke to me this morning through this song, as I was driving to Bellingham. I have been wrestling with not being pregnant yet. It hasn't been that long, but long enough to be thinking, why am I not? I trust the Lord and his timing and he is so good. But I think even the battle of continually giving it over to the Lord is hard at times. Maybe I am not doing something right, but it's hard. I think even subconsciously it has been bothering me. Because I didn't feel stressed out. So i am wrestling with God and listening to this awesome CD a friend made for me. And I listened to the words of this song, and God gave me a picture. So let me set this up a bit. I keep thinking, well maybe God does not want us to have kids?? And then I can't stand the thought of that, and start to freak out. I think I have been looking at God as a taker, and not a giver. And I know that's not true, but it's part of the wrestling. I've thought, well it happened once, why could it not happen again? Or maybe when you experience a loss, it is just kind of the way your mind goes, all crazy. So I realized this morning that that is how I have viewed God recently. It's weird how fast things change. Because even a few weeks before, I had been feeling good, and encouraged and hopeful and blessed. But the enemy gets in there and wants to get a foothold. I keep saying to the Lord, "Lord, I need peace, from YOU! You are the only one. Help me!" I hate that Satan messes with us! So this morning I am listening to this song, belting at the top of my lungs, and this stuck out to me, "You are my shepherd in the wilderness, whom shall I fear? You are the God who goes before me, my rock and my shield...." and then I saw a picture of God on the road ahead of me, bent down on one knee, holding up a shield and fighting for me, protecting me! And I just got teary eyed. I felt so much love from God and was overwhelmed by that picture! He was ahead of me and fighting and has good things in store. He has proved himself faithful so many times. So many times! What is my problem? I have just been focused on the negative stuff, and it just spiraled me downward. It happens so fast. Rather than continually focusing on Jesus and thanking him for everything, for who He is, and for his love. I love that he continually brings us back. He is so patient and loving and gently brings us back. All we have to do is repent. So I repented. I told him I was sorry for looking at him in that way, that I know that is not who He is. He is a Giver, that is His nature. He is not a Taker. Just because we have lost one child does not mean that we are cursed. Now I know that we don't know what the future holds, but we know WHO holds it. He is in control. God holds the world in the palm of his hand. He knows every detail and has not forgotten us. He has not forgotten you.

Goodbye Olive Garden....Hello Young Life Staff

Only 3 short months after beginning, I worked my last shift at the Olive Garden today. It was weird. I have hardly been there. But the Lord opened a door for Brian and I with Young Life again. It was through sad circumstances, but the Associate Area Director position for North Whatcom County Young Life became available. I wasn't thinking about it, looking for it, or anything. It was almost like God blinded my eyes to it, until the right time. Maybe I would have overanalyzed it, or thought too much? haha Anyway, I had thought of plenty of other people who would be great in that position, but never once me. I was happy where I was, part-time Olive Garden, and volunteering with Young Life. So about a month ago, I was driving to meet my AD, and it wasn't until I was about a half a mile away from Ferndale Woods, that it hit me! Now I don't know if God slapped me up side the head, or just spoke to my heart, but it was as if Jesus said, "He is going to ask if you would consider staff again." and it didn't scare me, I didn't really think anything. Just.....ok. So the short version is that he did ask me, I asked what the job would entail, how it would look with kids, because we desire to have a family, etc. I started to get excited about the job. It is a perfect fit for me. Leading leaders. Loving on and encouraging them as leaders, and leading their own teams. I feel so blessed and loved on by the Lord. He knows me, He created me, and moved in my and Brian's heart to accept this position. Brian knew before I even got home. We talked and prayed. We just trust the Lord and what He has in store for us. It was not what I thought I would have wanted. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, and should have an 8 month old baby girl at home right now. But life does not always go as we plan. I have learned that we can't plan our lives on the "what if's". We don't know what is up ahead. We have to be obedient to where God is asking us to go now, and leave the details up to Him. And we felt clearly led to this and are excited. We are excited about raising our family in Young Life, if the Lord would allow. I am not going to lie though it is a struggle at times to leave the details to Him. We have a deep desire to have children, but we don't know what God's plan is, or his timing, which I KNOW is perfect, but it's hard to not let doubt creep in.. As I was thinking about where we are at right now, I read Jesus Calling yesterday which said, "TRUST ME WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING!" I needed to hear that! I just have to trust God with everything that I have. And I am a mess many days, but I just continue to turn my eyes toward him. We want God to use us however he wants, because I know He has the best in store for us, whatever it is.

I am sad to leave Olive Garden though. My intention was to be there part-time for a long time, but God had other plans. I am thankful for all the relationships that he gave me at the OG. And we are still friends even though I don't work there. So this picture is my brother and sister and me on my last day! They have both been working there for 11 years, and will probably be there for many more.