I think I just needed to ponder this for myself, to know that Esther was here. That she was not just a figment of my imagination. For those mommas who have lost little ones before actually giving birth, it is hard, you want so badly for their life to matter, for people to remember! As most people continue on with life, those hard days fade away, and can be forgotten. But not for us. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of her, remember her and love her. I don't cry, hardly ever, but I did today. I need that. Most people get to celebrate their children with a cake, and gifts. I want to celebrate Esther even though she is not here. She changed who I am. God used her in my life and so many others, and that is such a gift. To me. To know that she mattered and made a difference by being on this earth even if she never walked it......
And so i feel sad, to not have her here........and YET, I am so thankful she is with Jesus. She is not in pain. She is in the best possible place she could be, other than with us. :) Because of her life, I have experienced Jesus in ways I never would have. In this Christmas season, I am struck again by Emmanuel, God with us. We sang this song recently, and it hit me in a new way.....
His name is called, Emmanuel
God is with us, revealed in us.
And I paused during the song..........When we go through painful trials, God shows up! He is with us and he walks us through unimaginable times. I was talking to a friend yesterday who lost her husband recently, and we both said, its the grace of God.......no other explanation for how we make it through unimaginable pain. we get to the other side, and can't explain how we got there.....God's grace. But then the next line hit me in a new way.......revealed in us.......He reveals himself in us. Look at the first definition of revealed that I found when I googled it........
revealed - make (previously unknown or secret information) known to others.
isn't that awesome!?
God wants to make himself known to others, through us!! And that is what life is all about. He is with us always, in the good and bad, and he wants to reveal himself to others through us. Because what happens??? As I experience God, and his with-ness, I want to tell everybody the secret!!! He will be with you too! Put your trust in him. He will not fail you! He will never let you down! All you have to do is trust him!!! In the best of times, AND in the worst of times. God came down to earth in a bod, Jesus Christ, he was with us, because he wanted to be with us forever!!! He wants us to know Him from now, into eternity!
And so when unimaginable painful things happen, and they do, we tend to ask, God where are you?? Did you forget about me? How could this happen?? And there are days I ask those questions......but Jesus continually brings me back to, "Oh Monica, yes I am here! I am WITH you, remember how I was WITH you on that day, December 20th, 2010? You felt my presence, you experienced my personal comfort. You knew that I was with you. Don't forget! But I know you will, and so I reveal myself to you again, because I love you." In this beautiful dusting of fresh white snow! Oh, the peace and the calm he shows me today.........."See dear Monica, this is for you!" (You may think it's for you today, but it's for me. hehe :) oh wait, it can be for ALL of us!)
As I ponder today, I am reminded of a time of prayer I had with a woman shortly after Esther's death. As she prayed for me, she said that Esther could see the making of her brothers and sisters. I have remembered this over the years as we have struggled to get pregnant again, and I wonder if she ever will have siblings. I fear, and I wonder if this is true. God has walked us on a journey for the past 5 years as we have talked about adoption and timing, as both Brian and I have had a heart to adopt, and for all kids, any age. Do we adopt now before we try to have biological kids, do we wait and have bio kids first?? Oh the questions, and no clear answers for many years. Get pregnant, lose Esther, grieve. Meet with different people, explore our options, not clear timing. One answer is a no. One answer seems to be a not yet. And so we wait. I trust in the Lord and his wonderful plan for our life. Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." We continue to serve the Lord and do what he has called us to do. And whatever "all these things" are, we will wait.
Through this process, I have prayed for open doors. That God would show us what he wants, when he wants in his PERFECT timing. Oh that is so so hard! I want what I want, now. And there are days I want a child to hold and love so badly, I ache.......But I am grateful for God's process and his timing, because now, I don't need a baby. I don't need a child to make me happy. God is enough. He has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams with an amazing husband, and family and life and job with Young Life! I would LOVE a child to raise, and well LOVE the socks off of. God brought Brian and I to a place of unity recently, and so....
the adoption process has begun!!!
We feel adoption just fits who we are. I already feel like we have a ton of spiritual children!! We would love your prayers as we grind through paperwork and home study, oh yeah, and we are building a new house as well!! We are so excited! We are adopting domestically, through an agency some friends went through in Georgia. It was a great experience, and now I not only am looking forward to adopting a baby, but am looking forward to how God will reveal himself in and through us, throughout this process! To see how God would use us in the life of the birthparents, if he so desires, and that God would be glorified and made known!!!
So we celebrate the life of our sweet Esther today, and in this season, and we are excited for the next season as we look forward to meeting Esther's sibling(s) in God's completely PERFECT timing.
Merry Christmas! Mo and BZ