Purpose

The grieving process has had several phases so far. For the first few weeks i spent every day at my moms house. I didn't want to be alone. We would come back to our trailer to sleep, but then when Brian left for work and when i got up i would head over to my moms. All gifts, flowers etc came to their house anyway. Our mementos of Esther were all at my moms house. I needed that. To lay, recuperate, rest, do nothing, cry. My mom is a good one to cry with. I want to talk about Esther all the time. Whenever i would start talking, she would stop whatever she was doing and come sit by me and listen. Oh how i needed that. Thank you mom :) Just so you know, if you ever see me and aren't sure if you want to bring up what we have gone through, please do. I think about her all the time and want to talk about her all the time. So if i look like i am doing good and you don't want me to get sad, don't worry, i am thinking about her anyway:) I can say that, because that is what i used to think when i was around people who have suffered a loss.

This week is different....... I have been in my trailer all week. Resting, and writing and processing, thinking about Esther, listening to music that soothes my soul, singing, crying, reading, praying, and writing. I have so many things going on in my head, it has been good to have this time.

I bought a few books and am on my 2nd one. It is called Safe in the Arms of God, by John MacArthur. It is truth from God's word about the death of a child. I was struck by something that he wrote. I know that it is true but I needed to hear this today. "God has a unique plan and purpose for every child conceived. We may not understand His plan fully. We may not be able to comprehend God's purposes. But we can know with faith that our perfect God does not err. He does not allow a conception that is beyond His sovereign plan and purposes." (pg. 23) On most days, I am convinced that Esther had a purpose for her life. I know that. But i would be lying if there weren't some days that I asked God, "God why did you allow her to live for 6 months, only for her to die?" I wonder how everything came together so perfectly with the timing of being pregnant with her, I knew God brought it to be. And yet it is that same question that tells me her life WAS so purposeful. "For such a time as this...." from the book of Esther in the Bible. I know God would not have created her if not for a reason, a purpose. Her life was on purpose for a purpose. I believe that, even though i wish she was here. When i was first pregnant with her, I dreamed of how God was going to use her life, how he would be glorified in her. What i didn't know then, is that He was going to glorify Himself through her short life, but more in her death. And He would glorify Himself in us as He walks with us, as we partner with Him and allow Him to walk us through the valley of the shadow of death. To prove Himself to us and to show the world, HIS people that He is trustworthy, that He can be depended on. We CAN trust Him, when all else seems to be shattering around us, He is there. He asked us to trust Him, and we did...........we do. I don't understand it, I don't like it, but I trust Him and that is all He asks of us. We prayed for a miracle. That God would heal her and he would be glorified and everyone would know that He is God, because there is no way that she could have been healed unless by the POWER OF THE LIVING GOD. Wow, wouldn't that be amazing I thought? He did give us a miracle though. My footnotes in John 2 says that miracles are not merely superhuman events, but events that demonstrate God's power. Esther's life and death is doing that! This miracle is explained well in 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 - "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." We are able to make it through not because we are strong, but because our God is strong. We are merely jars of clay, fragile so that we will know the power is not from us, couldn't be from us. It is God's power in us. Wow. All He asks is that we trust Him. The miracle is happening now.................