Resting & Receiving

My mom and i were talking the other day and she asked me if i remembered what my prayer requests had been. Some months earlier she had asked me what she could specifically be praying for, for me. I did not recall what my requests had been due to the turn our life had taken on November 11 - actually didn't think about it again until then. I had read in Jesus Calling about resting in Jesus and being able to receive from him. So often we are so busy "doing" that we don't just sit with the Lord and receive what He longs to give us. I had just come off of a very busy season in my life. Giving, giving, giving......It was what i did. When i got married, i slowed down a bit, but to outsiders (my family and now "new" family), they still said i was so busy all the time, and wondered how i did it. I didn't know what they were talking about. Anyway, that had been on my mind when my mom asked me what she could pray for me, and i thought that resting and receiving sounded nice. Wasn't totally sure what it meant but it sounded nice. "Oh and mom, i want a deeper prayer life too." I didn't think about the journey it would take to get there, i just thought about what i wanted the end result to be. Yes, please God give me a deeper prayer life, as if *poof* one day i would just have a deeper prayer life. What was I thinking? What I hadn't thought about was what God might use in my life to bring me to that place. And it was something I would have never expected, never asked for, never wanted to go through.

I can honestly say that I don't really have a deeper prayer life. As we went through that experience there were many days that all i could utter was - "help me Lord. Be with me Lord. I don't know how to do this Lord. I am scared Lord. " Monday December 20, 2010- (Esther's birthday) I was more scared than i think i have ever been in my life. I wanted to stay in that moment, but not. And yet i was too scared to move ahead. On that day all i could say was "help me Jesus". Even in the days since i have felt numb, sad, have questioned, been in a fog and have only a few times been able to spend extended time with the Lord. What i realize though is that i am a changed person and I see things differently. I see everything differently, and I know that as God carries me through this valley he will continue to draw me closer to himself and my response is one of prayer and praise. How can i not respond to him??? He hears our cries and even when we can't verbalize a prayer with words, he can search deep into our soul and He hears what we cannot even say! That is a loving God who knows us inside and out. When i asked for a deeper prayer life, what I didn't realize i was asking for was a deeper relationship with Him. I wanted to have a closer relationship with the living God. Interesting, because what prayer does is draw us close to God as we come to Him in prayer! We have also been SO loved on my so many people that God has put in our life. I have only been able to rest and receive from others. We have accepted gladly, knowing that this is one of the ways the Lord is providing for our needs - emotional needs as well as our tangible needs. It is all i am able to do, I have nothing to give anyone really, and that is a weird place for me to be, because i am a giver. So i am resting and receiving from the Lord...........in the many ways He is giving to me and to us in this season. Giving Him space to come in and heal our sad and broken hearts. He is good. Thank you to all of you who have lifted us up to Jesus for comfort and healing. He is so present through His Spirit and all of you.............