Christ who Strengthens me

I have been reflecting a lot this past week. Not thinking and analyzing the future, but reflecting on the past few months and what God did. How He was with us, and how He carried us. I've been pretty emotional. Its funny how you think you are doing good, and actually do feel good, and not sad, and then sadness hits again. It does feel like a rollercoaster. Its not the initial intensity of pain, but it is sadness that comes with processing the loss of Esther. Working through needing to release her. I thought I did, but I realized that I am just at another stage in the process. Yesterday I was reminded of Phillipians 4:13. Not sure if I heard it on the radio, or if the Lord just brought it to my mind, but I needed it yesterday. "I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me." I thought about that for a bit. I can do ALL things through Jesus who will give me strength. Not the easy things, or just what I can do in my own strength, but the things that are hard. Really hard. Painful. Gut-wrenching. Those things I can do because of Jesus in me, strengthening me. I am so thankful for that. Those thoughts brought me back to December 20. That morning I lay on the floor and just cried to God. Help me, I can't do this. In the hospital several hours later, as I saw the first ultrasound of Esther without a heartbeat, I thought, I can't do this. Brian walked out to tell our family and as they all came in, our dear friend Shawn walked in with them. I did not know He was there, and honestly it was God that brought him there that day. He was with us on our happiest day, as he married us in Maui two years ago, and he was with us on our saddest day, as we lost our first baby girl. It seemed appropriate. I was grateful for him being there, he was definitely one of the many gifts God gave us that sad, hard day. He asked me what I was most afraid of that day. I said the actual giving birth part, and safety for me. I had never given birth to a healthy baby, let alone a sick, dead baby. I had no idea what to expect and I was scared. He said, you can do this Monica. You can do ALL things because Christ will give you strength. (Phil. 4:13) Dec. 20th is somewhat of a blur, but I feel like I remember vividly the way God showed up. The God things of the day are what I remember. This was one of them. Dec. 20th is a day that gave new meaning to that verse for me. It is a verse I have heard a lot over my years, a verse that I have given to others to help get them through, but when you actually live through something that you don't think you would make it through, you KNOW that Christ strengthened you! He helped me do what I could NOT do on my own. I have not needed strength so badly. I thought in life that I could pretty much handle things that come my way, with God of course, but I knew I could do it. I could not handle it this day, and I knew it. The only way I was going to get through it was if God carried me and strengthened me each step. And He did. And I am so thankful to Him. I am thankful for who He is, for the people He brings us along the way, and that He shows up. He always shows up. I was encourage by this same verse again last night at Griefshare. An amazing group of people who meet together to work through our losses. On the video last night, Zig Ziglar talked about Phil. 4:13. He said, "it is a powerful promise that God ALWAYS keeps." I loved how he said that, so I wrote it down. God ALWAYS keeps His promises. So today, I am sad, but I am so thankful. He asks us to look to Him for peace, to bring our weakness, our sadness, our broken hearts to Him, and we will receive His PEACE, and His Strength to get through each day.