I woke up yesterday feeling really sad. I don't know why some days i am good, and some days i am so sad. Well, i do know why, but it is just an interesting thing. We went to church. I was excited because Starfield was there leading worship. If you haven't heard their music you should look them up. They are awesome. They sing Son of God, Remain, Reign in Us, and a plethora of other songs. We worshiped with them and it was awesome. Pastor Kim preached about how God is bigger than our fears, and we are never alone. My how i have experienced that in this season. It has been one month since we found out the news about Esther. Nov. 11 is a day i will not forget. It was really an awfully sad day. Kind of like our own personal Sept. 11. I am so thankful that God is bigger, and that i am not afraid..........most of the time. Yesterday i came to church and said, God here is my sadness. I don't know what else to do with it. I know it is ok to be sad and i am, but sometimes it is more overwhelming than others, and i just want to cry all day. I get so desperate for Esther to live and i feel like i am holding on so tight, but then i feel like i just need to let go. When i am clinging, i am not peaceful, because i get scared. Hmm.. fear. Where there is fear, then there is not peace. The two cannot live together in the same place. And i have realized that in the past 2 days especially. This morning i woke up and felt the same way, even after having a great day yesterday with my sister and my dear friend Lesha. I was given a gift card to the Chrysalis and they each had gift cards so we went and got massages and pedicures. It was so great. I had a prenatal massage which i have never had of course. It was wonderfully relaxing. Lesha is getting ready to go to Mexico with her family and renew her vows with her husand of 10 years. How awesome is that? She is one of the most wonderful people you could ever meet. On days when i am really sad, she will call me. I don't know how she knows i am not having a great day, i think it is a gift the Lord has given her. That is another way that i feel loved by God. Through his people who overwhelm us with love and support, and phone calls and cards. Wow. After our massages, we got pedicures and went out to eat, and laughed. A lot.......... It was so good. And yet i wake up this morning and am exhausted from a not good night sleep, feeling sad and just wanted to sit on the floor and cry. I let out a deep sigh, and said Lord help me. And Brian told me to look up. I looked up at the ceiling fan. No that's not what he was talking about. He said, look up and i knew what he meant and it's what i need to do today. It is so easy to get dragged down by feelings and emotions, and i know that is normal, but i don't want to stay in that place. Brian is beautiful. I cried, he hugged me and i felt so thankful for him. I am so thankful for him. I think we have both realized the toll that this has taken on our physical bodies. He said it the other night because he has been fighting off being sick, and other things, busy building a house, but has felt in a fog. And for me even though i can sleep all night (some nights) i wake up and still can't get it together. I think it is just the underlying sadness of what is going on that is always there. Even though God is good, which he is all the time, and we trust him and he is in charge and we have peace, there is still sadness. As Brian said, our baby is dying. Unless God intervenes, our baby is dying. I had not thought of it like that before. Weird i know. I know she is not well, and full of fluid, and not expected to make it, but i guess i hadn't thought of it in those words exactly. I just want more time with her, but i need to cherish every day. I don't want to waste one single day.

So when Pastor Kim talks about God being bigger than all our problems, our storms our struggles. I believe it. I know it to be true. And i need that today. One of my favorite entries in Jesus Calling (if you don't have this, you should buy it:) maybe i have said that before) is Nov. 24. I need to practice this daily, but some days more than others. I can't say it better myself so i will quote it (again these entries are written as if Jesus is speaking to us):

"Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity. That is why i have instructed you to give thanks for everything. There is an element of mystery in this transaction: You give Me thanks (regardless of your feelings), and I give you Joy (regardless of your circumstances). This is a spiritual act of obedience - at times, blind obedience. To people who don't know Me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to thank Me for heartrending hardships. Nonetheless, those who obey Me in this way are invariably blessed, even though difficulties remain. Thankfulness opens your heart to My presence and your mind to my thoughts. You may still be in the same place, with the same set of circumstances, but it is as if a light has been switched on, enabling you to see from My perspective. It is this Light of My Presence that removes the sting from adversity."

This is a hard thing to do, especially when we don't feel it. But something ive learned over the years is that feelings are not fact. They are valid, but they are not necessarily the truth. That's why i love how Jesus says, (my own words) I promise you, if you thank me even though you don't feel like it, it will trade that and give you back joy!!! It doesn't make sense in our human minds, because our circumstances haven't changed, but he promises it and so i believe it. Its being obedient and trusting him, even though we are sad, or heartbroken, or mad, or not at all thankful for what God has allowed to come into our lives. It is an act of obedience. I am so thankful that He offers us His perspective. When we believe that God is bigger, then our circumstances don't seem so overwhelming and huge. Our view of God seems huge instead! We can still be sad, or upset, but we see a different view about why God has allowed things into our lives. That perspective is so much better and that is where the hope is. Not that life is without storms, but that we know HE WILL BE WITH US in the storm. Storms aren't easy. Life isn't easy. But Jesus will bear the load with us if we give it to him. So i need to go now and do that. Spend some time with him. Now that i have gotten this all out, i feel lighter, like a load has been lifted. I am going to choose to give Him thanks today, and wait for the Joy he promises to give me in exchange. God is good.