I am learning a lot about myself, my heart, God, life and other things. They say that grief reveals a lot about who we are in our deepest heart. For me, this has been dealing with some ugly stuff. Real, honest, yet ugly. I say grief, and building a house reveals who i am in my core! As i think back last week painting, and it not turning out the way I wanted it to, I threw my brush at Brian and said, "YOU do it!" Well I didn't literally throw it, but you know what I mean. I was just frustrated! At the same time, I love it, because I want to work on those things. To be refined. When things are roses, we just don't always get down to the nitty gritty of who we truly are. We maybe wouldn't even see that part of us. So its sad, and ugly and good all at the same time. I have learned that I don't grieve perfectly. But also that no one does! This has brought me back to a time in my life when I had tried to be the "perfect" Christian. I was a leader of young girls, I thought I had to have it altogether. To show them what a good Christian looked like. ha! Oh man, the Lord used a series of events in my life to show me that is not what it is about, and I was knocked off my pedestal thank goodness. I realized during that time, that a Christian wasn't to live a perfect sinless life, but to accept the grace and love and forgiveness from Christ that He offers to us, because HE is perfect and sinless, and paid the price for my imperfection. All i am to do is accept that free gift, by confessing, accepting forgiveness and moving on. Wow - you think that being raised in the church I would have understood that concept, and yet I lived my life like i needed to be perfect. I read this morning in Galatians that "If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily." Whoa was that a wake up call for me when i read that back then. It was like I was smacked in the head. His death would have been for nothing, if I was required to be perfect. And I knew that was not the case. And here in grief I find myself trying to do it right. It was hard for me at Griefshare last week, when I realized that I had been sitting in my crap. Yes I felt all those things but I was just sitting there and wallowing. I read in Jesus Calling today, what Jesus Calling focuses on and that is trust and thankfulness. Trust is the channel through which his peace flows through us. Fear blocks His flow of Strength through us. Thankfulness lifts us above our circumstances. I think that to say that something is unfair, as I was feeling last week, really is telling God that He doesn't know what is right, that he made a mistake. My cousin texted me some truth which was good.......and true, but i really didn't want to hear it at that moment. I needed to repent of this. At first I felt fear that I messed up and sinned against God, but then I was reminded that He loves me and forgives me, and it is done. As far as the east is from the west. Gone. I don't need to be upset with myself, but just receive forgiveness and move on.
Some have said that death is senseless and not supposed to be. I think that death is just a part of life. Because of sin, we will all die. To say that death is evil, would say that God is not in control and as big as He is or that it somehow slipped by Him. I don't believe that at all. I do think however, that the enemy wants to mess with us when we are in a weakened state, and many times that weakened state can happen when we experience a death or any loss really. We talked about this a lot this weekend with my Young Life peeps. When we are in ministry or doing something that matters, and will make a difference eternally, Satan will do whatever he can to attack that. So we all shared different ways that we have felt that attack. I don't think Esther's death was the attack, but I feel like the fight I have been in since could be the attack. Satan would want to take me out, and make me doubt and wonder and question God and think that God is not fair, and he would want me to stay there. But the important thing is that i don't stay there! I can sit in the mud puddle for a bit, and we are all allowed to, but we cant stay there forever, or as they put it in Griefshare, you will be "stuck" in grief. And Satan would want me to be stuck. Because when I am stuck then His spirit is not flowing through me, I am not peaceful, and i don't see the power that Christ has, and will have nothing to offer others.
So this relates to my experience several years back, because I see that there have still been remnants if you will, of this mindset in not wanting to mess up. But I am learning through this process that, Monica, you have and you will mess up. But its not about me and my goodness, but its about the goodness of God. He will help me out of the pit. And I also can expect ups and downs. I will have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks probably for a long while. I have been fearful thinking of April 3rd which was Esther's due date. I don't know why i feel anxious, like something awful is going to happen. I told that to the Lord this morning, and just need to take one day at a time, and not assume that anything is going to happen. His grace is sufficient for me day by day, and that day has not come yet. But he will be there for me on that day, as he has been EVERY other day.
I was also able to hang out with a new friend this weekend for the second time. The Lord brought us together several months back. Her and her husband also experienced the same exact situation with their daughter who had Turner's Syndrome, but passed away 3 weeks before Esther. It has been SUCH a blessing to be able to go through this process together. We know that it was not by accident, but with God nothing ever is. We are able to encourage each other and share our hearts, which are so similar, and know that we absolutely KNOW what the other is going through. Ours is an interesting situation, one that not everyone can understand. I have been so thankful for her and her wisdom and love and care and understanding. It has been hugely healing for me to spend time with her.
I love the sun, the birds chirping in the early morning hours and spring is coming! Praise the Lord.
No comments:
Post a Comment