As for God, HIS way is perfect...

As i opened up my devotional today, I had written this in big letters on March 10th last year, "As for God ---HIS WAY IS PERFECT!" Thank you God, I trust you!!! So confident, with exclamation points and all caps. I know this is true, and yet it doesn't mean that i am not confused and sad. In Griefshare we talk about the tangled web of emotions that comes with grief. All normal and natural things that we will feel as we grieve. On the first night, we did an exercise where we write the emotions we felt the strongest and then numbered them in order from 1 being the strongest, and so on. Last week, which has been about a month and a half since we started Griefshare, we looked at our list again and to see if any emotions had changed, or gone away, or just lessened in intensity. It was interesting to see on my list, that the sorrow and sadness had lessened, but the confusion and jealousy had increased. Those last two were at the bottom of my list, and now i feel that they are on the top. I know God is in control and has a plan, but I still feel those emotions, and it seems more often now. I hear of more people being pregnant and I can't help but wonder. I know God makes babies, and is in charge of every precious little life and how long they live. All our days are ordained by God and I know that. BUT, why could my precious little life, Esther, not live? It just seems that everywhere around me, people are pregnant and having healthy babies. And I feel confused at times, and jealous that it seems that everyone else gets their babies and I didn't get mine. To have here, and raise and love. I have felt so sad these past few days, because there is a longing in my heart that I didn't have before, because of Esther, and she is not here to love. One second I am confident in her purpose here and her length of life, and God's purpose for her, and the next second I am not. And I wonder and I long for her. I would be 8 months pregnant now, probably feeling miserable, but I would love it.

So I just have to get this all out. I know God knows where I am at, and can handle me. I am thankful that he blares in my face this truth and I believe it, and will probably have to repeat it to myself all day. As for God His WAY IS PERFECT. (Psalm 18:30) Although I don't understand His ways, He is perfect, and I know that He loves me and Brian and He has a plan for GOOD, and not for EVIL, plans to prosper and not to harm us, plans for a HOPE and a FUTURE. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know these things are true and I do have hope and am looking forward to the future, whatever is in store. But today I am sad, and I miss Esther. :)