Hard day......

I didn't feel much like blogging until now. All in all, yesterday was a good day. I am so grateful for the nurse and doctor that we were able to see at Swedish. They were so kind, and loving, and sympathetic. Thankfully it didn't start really snowing until we got to the hospital, so we were able to do what we came there for. It did however take us 3 hours to get home, but so thankful we made it home safely. As we walked into the ultrasound room, i was saying, "all her days were ordained for her before one came to be, all her days were ordained for her before one came to be...." I was so happy to see her heartbeat right off the bat! A strong one again:) I thought, yes i have more time with her. After the ultrasound we met in another room and waited for the Dr. to come in. She was fantastic. Sat down and said right away after looking at the ultrasound pictures that it was bad. Her fluid had increased since our ultrasound last week and she didn't look good. It was so great though to be able to sit down and have her look at the pictures with us and explain to us what we were seeing. It was so hard, but was so good and Brian mentioned several times how thankful he was that we had someone explain what we were looking at. We asked questions, got answers and it just helped us process more. She had concerns for me and my health as well, because i am carrying a baby with so much fluid. So i will need to be watched closely. But again, i trust God with all of that too. It will not do me any good to worry about that. And i must choose to not worry. Shortly after, a lady walked in and asked if i wanted to be part of a research study. i thought, are you kidding me, do you even know what we are going through, what we are here for? Obviously she did, and that is why i was asked to be a part of it. After she explained what the study was, we decided to do it. They were doing a study to see if they could draw blood from a mother with a baby with genetic or chromosomal abnormalities, and get the same results as if the mother had had an amniocentesis. I thought, hey i would love to help it be so that women potentially wouldn't have to have amnio's to test for genetic problems. And actually that blood draw hurt more than the amnio did. So there ya have it. Oh yeah and i got a $25 Target gift card so that was fun. The amnio went well. I was told to relax which i did, and the doc said i did beautifully. Mind you i was holding my husband's hand and my eyes were closed, and not looking at the long needle. Then i was done. And we were headed home. Hopefully i will not need to go back there for anything. The results will be here in a few weeks, and we will be able to find out what the problem is and what is causing all the fluid. Not that we can do anything for Esther at this point, but it will help us know more for future pregnancies. I wish it would help Esther. Nothing can be done at this point. The doctor said that it would be a few more months max maybe that her heart would be able to hold on, until it just gave out, medically speaking. I keep saying that, because God could have other plans. But medically speaking she is not well at all. So in the meantime all we can do is just - "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14. I love how the Lord meets us. There were 2 days in particular that i had read my Jesus Calling devotional and read a verse that really hit me that day. Later that same day i got a text from someone with the same verse as encouragement for me. 2 different days and 2 different verses. I love how the Lord does that. This verse was one of them. It is just him affirming to me that he is here. He is walking this painful journey with us, and has not and will not ever leave our side. I am grateful for that because on a day like today it is just hard. I am so sad, and i hurt for my baby girl who is not well. And that is hard, but i am thankful for a God who understands pain and is with us ALWAYS. He doesn't promise us a pain free life, what he promises us is that he will be with us through it all. I guess it isn't until we experience something like this, that we truly see him show up. I know he IS always there, but I think for me, that until i am in a dark time, i am not always looking for him. But I know because i am looking for him everywhere, and i SEE him everywhere. His Word is true - blessed be the name of the Lord.