Water into Wine

So i have had some thoughts brewing for the past few weeks. I was preparing for a Young Life club talk. I just have started reading, "Just Give Me Jesus" by Anne Graham Lotz, and she talked about Jesus turning water into wine. How many different ways that it applies to us in our lives and the different seasons we may go through. It captivated me. Because I had been chewing on that for some time, I decided that I would speak about an aspect of that miracle, that very first miracle, at club. As i read it over and over there were so many things that struck me, especially in relation to where I am at in life right now. John 2 begins with Jesus and his disciples,and his mother at a wedding feast, when the wine runs out. Now this was a huge deal! Back in those days, the groom could have a lawsuit slapped on him by the bride's family because of this! Can you imagine that? The fact that the wine ran out, was big. I wonder how Jesus' mother knew that the wine had run out. Was it the wedding of a family friend? Someone they were close to, maybe a sibling of Jesus? But Jesus' mother finds out and tells Jesus. Of course Jesus says, I love this, "dear woman, why do you involve me?? My time has not yet come." But then she says to the servants, "do whatever he tells you to do." I love that she knew that Jesus could change this situation. She knew the power that he had, even though up until this point he had not performed any miracles! But Jesus having been conceived by the Holy Spirit inside her womb? Yeah, she knew who He was:) The servants obeyed, they filled big stone jars to the brim with water just as Jesus told them to do. And then, this is so great......now scoop some out and take it to the master of the banquet. What?! I can imagine what was going through their heads......Jesus, you just had us fill up these stone jars, these foot washing, ceremonial cleansing jars, and now you want us to bring THIS water to the master of the banquet?!? Are you kidding?? Well that's what would have gone through my head...... Crap, what am i going to do when i get there with this nasty foot washing water? But the servants obeyed. And when he got to the master of the banquet and served him, it was the best wine he had ever tasted!! Jesus didn't turn wonderful, pure, fresh water into wine, but he took dirty water that was not even used to drink, and turned it into the most amazing wine!!! Amazing........As i was picturing this scene, i thought about my own life. What is the "water" in my life? That as I do what Jesus asks me to do, he turns it into "wine?" The best thing. Whatever that is. Because this account doesn't say that Jesus touched the water, and then it became wine. It doesn't say that, although he could have. But as the servant walked the water to the master of the banquet, by obeying THE MASTER, the water became wine. Monday night, as I spoke, and held the pitcher of dirty water (I made a concoction of water with lemon juice and soy sauce, looked like dirty water i would have imagined it looking like??) and walked as if i was walking to the master of the banquet, it just struck me that the miracle happened, in the obeying, as he walked.....somewhere along the line, the water had become wine! What in my life, is the water, that when I bring it to Jesus, obey what he tells me to do, can turn into something amazing!? In my life right now, I believe it is the "waiting." I feel like I am in a waiting period. But what I have always believed about waiting periods, is that I never want them to be "wasting" periods. I don't want to waste my life waiting for the next thing. If you know my story, then you probably know that we have such a desire to have children. But it's not happening right now. So in a sense I feel like because it has not happened yet, that I am waiting for it happen. Then I hung out with a dear single friend last week, who is reading a book called, Lady in Waiting, and I thought, you know what? At different seasons in life, we are all waiting on something. I remember being single, and desiring to be married so bad. But wrestling with that with the Lord, and coming to a place of contentment. I didn't want to waste what the Lord had for me in that time. Because it is rich! There has to be something big that God has for us in the waiting period.......Refining us, shaping us, molding us, pouring into us, in ways that only He can in that time. Whether we are waiting for a spouse, waiting for a child, waiting for the perfect job, waiting for retirement, waiting for__________......fill in your blank. Whatever it is there are seasons of waiting, and yet they should not be wasted. How sad for us to miss out on what God has for us in that season of waiting. We learn contentment. We are strengthened. We rely on God, and not on a dream of what we "think" we want or need. He wants to be our EVERYTHING! And He knows that so often He is not. Because we have a tricky, conniving, deceitful enemy who wants to steal our joy. He wants us to be unhappy where we are, and want "more". To never be satisfied with where we are at. And i say, Get out of here Satan! You have no place here. My God is loving, giving and kind. He has blessed me so much! He cares about me more than anything! He does not withhold things from me, HE wants the best for me!! He has great things in store, but it is not according to my plan. God does not follow my rules. It is according to His plan, because He is good. Life is painful at times, but HE IS WITH YOU. He is with me. He wants me to fully rely on him and only him. So in this season, I am bringing him my "water" and as I go, as I obey, as I follow him each and every day, I trust that He will turn that into "wine." The best wine ever! Do i know what that is, or what it will look like? Nope. But I know, because He is God, and He loves me and Brian, that He has good plans for us. And I can rest in that.

Jan. 6-8 : Chains Broken

A few weeks ago, I attended our Regional Young Life Leadership Conference in Ocean Shores. I went to this last year, and the Lord spoke very clearly to me at that time, about where I was at a year ago. So grateful for that. I was excited to see what He had in store for me this time! As I have shared I had been struggling. And I don't think I realized how much I had been struggling until this particular weekend. Because you see, Jesus set me free! I was reminded of this this morning at church, as we sang, "In the Name of Jesus, there is life and healing. Chains are broken, in YOUR Name." I was again, so grateful that Jesus had broken the chains of darkness that had been hanging over me. I realized that we often don't see the mess that we are in, while we are in the mess. Or we don't see how bad it is, until we are no longer in the mess. Hindsight, I guess. But I see now, and am so so grateful to God for the healing that He brought about that weekend.......

Angel Ruiz is one of our divisional vice presidents for Young Life, and was the keynote speaker for this weekend. He talked about going BIG, and what we have to do, or release in our lives, to be able to grab hold of what God has for us, in order for us to Go Big. Go Big in Jesus, and in the ministry. What is holding us back? He shared his story, about how God spoke clearly to he and his wife that it was time to pick up and move their family across the country to L.A. That there are kids in L.A. who need to be reached with the Gospel of Jesus Christ! They obeyed and moved and are there, but had no idea what they were doing. I thought, that is me! Brian and I know that God called me back on staff with Young Life full time, but it was not our plan, and frankly I was scared. I have been scared thinking of how it will all work out, and when kids come into the picture, can I really do it? Can I work full time and raise a family? I believe that the enemy began using that doubt and those questions, to begin to "build a fortress" and set up camp in my life, to cause me anxiety, and fear as I thought about the future. So interesting..........clear leading, clear calling, and open doors and affirmation. AND STILL, I began to doubt, to try to humanly understand, what is not my job to understand!!! I read Proverbs 3: 5-6. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart. Lean NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING, in ALL your ways ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, and HE will make your paths straight." I am thankful for God's WORD. When I try to understand, think about, process the future, that is when I am weakened! That is not my job. I am not supposed to understand HOW it will all work out, I am supposed to trust the ONE who knows THAT it will work out, and it will be good. My job is to trust. How many times have I said that to myself? I was in such a negative place. I was looking at God like a family was what God was not allowing me to have, RATHER, than trusting him and WAITING expectantly for Him and HIS plan and HIS timing. The day after I got back from this weekend, Jesus Calling said this, Jan. 9. "Much, much stress results in your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert my Sovereignty is in the timing of events." Wow! I said, thank you thank you God! Thank you that you are in control and have the plan, and again, I wait on Him. God graciously shows me that again, and again, when we get to these major points in life. And so this weekend, I knew in a minute what I was holding onto, and what I needed to release in order to Go Big, and allow Jesus to do with me what he wants. Angel asked us to get on our knees and physically hold our hands out, with whatever "that thing" was that we needed to release, so that God could replace in our hands what HE wants. Oh God did it. He took it from me, as I layed my desire, my plan, my timing for a family in HIS hands, and opened my hand to take HIM. I felt like God was saying, "Monica, you have allowed this desire to take the #1 place. I need to be your #1, and your family, and everything else has to come after." Seek first HIS kingdom, and all these things will be added to you. I had gotten my priorities out of order. And isn't this what the evil one wants. He wants us to get distracted by lesser things! Not that having a family is a bad desire, but if that desire comes before Jesus, then things are out of whack! The enemy wants us to get distracted by our own desires, worries, fears. And he sets up camp. The rest of this weekend was amazing. After this release, I began to see Jesus fulfilling in me, what He had called me to do. Had awesome time with the leaders, I have the privilege of leading. And God used the story of one of our leaders to increase my faith in his timing and his plan. He didn't call me to this job because I have everything I need for it, or because I am qualified. He called me and promised to qualify me! What a gift! I am learning to trust Him more, to trust what He can do in and through me, and not rely so much on myself. I know that whatever he brings me to, I can handle because He will give me what I need. Not before, but as I need him and his strength.

As I drove home from this weekend, I felt free. I felt like I was floating home! The previous week, I had not slept well, was experiencing fear and anxiety, and as I drove home, I knew it was gone! I was free. I thought, is this what people feel like when they first receive Christ, maybe those who have lived a bit longer and have more that they realize they have been forgiven for!? That is what I felt like. And it was nothing I did, but everything Jesus did. All I had to do was release what I was hanging on to.........I look forward to what God has in store. But daily, I need to go to HIS WORD for encouragement and strength to battle the enemy, because he knows that is an area of weakness. We must use our weapons from the LORD to battle the very real enemy....with His Word, the Shield of Faith, the Sword of the Spirit and Worship HIM daily! The devil hates Worship.

I encourage you today......Is there something in your life that you need to release to Jesus, so that you can Go Big in this life? What has he called you to do, and are you doing it? Sometimes we have to let go of something, so he can fulfill His purposes in our lives, which will be AMAZING! Praise the Lord he doesn't give up on us!

You are My Shepherd

If you have 3 and half minutes, and also are in need of encouragement, please listen to this song. (Pause the playlist on the bottom of the page.)God spoke to me this morning through this song, as I was driving to Bellingham. I have been wrestling with not being pregnant yet. It hasn't been that long, but long enough to be thinking, why am I not? I trust the Lord and his timing and he is so good. But I think even the battle of continually giving it over to the Lord is hard at times. Maybe I am not doing something right, but it's hard. I think even subconsciously it has been bothering me. Because I didn't feel stressed out. So i am wrestling with God and listening to this awesome CD a friend made for me. And I listened to the words of this song, and God gave me a picture. So let me set this up a bit. I keep thinking, well maybe God does not want us to have kids?? And then I can't stand the thought of that, and start to freak out. I think I have been looking at God as a taker, and not a giver. And I know that's not true, but it's part of the wrestling. I've thought, well it happened once, why could it not happen again? Or maybe when you experience a loss, it is just kind of the way your mind goes, all crazy. So I realized this morning that that is how I have viewed God recently. It's weird how fast things change. Because even a few weeks before, I had been feeling good, and encouraged and hopeful and blessed. But the enemy gets in there and wants to get a foothold. I keep saying to the Lord, "Lord, I need peace, from YOU! You are the only one. Help me!" I hate that Satan messes with us! So this morning I am listening to this song, belting at the top of my lungs, and this stuck out to me, "You are my shepherd in the wilderness, whom shall I fear? You are the God who goes before me, my rock and my shield...." and then I saw a picture of God on the road ahead of me, bent down on one knee, holding up a shield and fighting for me, protecting me! And I just got teary eyed. I felt so much love from God and was overwhelmed by that picture! He was ahead of me and fighting and has good things in store. He has proved himself faithful so many times. So many times! What is my problem? I have just been focused on the negative stuff, and it just spiraled me downward. It happens so fast. Rather than continually focusing on Jesus and thanking him for everything, for who He is, and for his love. I love that he continually brings us back. He is so patient and loving and gently brings us back. All we have to do is repent. So I repented. I told him I was sorry for looking at him in that way, that I know that is not who He is. He is a Giver, that is His nature. He is not a Taker. Just because we have lost one child does not mean that we are cursed. Now I know that we don't know what the future holds, but we know WHO holds it. He is in control. God holds the world in the palm of his hand. He knows every detail and has not forgotten us. He has not forgotten you.

Goodbye Olive Garden....Hello Young Life Staff

Only 3 short months after beginning, I worked my last shift at the Olive Garden today. It was weird. I have hardly been there. But the Lord opened a door for Brian and I with Young Life again. It was through sad circumstances, but the Associate Area Director position for North Whatcom County Young Life became available. I wasn't thinking about it, looking for it, or anything. It was almost like God blinded my eyes to it, until the right time. Maybe I would have overanalyzed it, or thought too much? haha Anyway, I had thought of plenty of other people who would be great in that position, but never once me. I was happy where I was, part-time Olive Garden, and volunteering with Young Life. So about a month ago, I was driving to meet my AD, and it wasn't until I was about a half a mile away from Ferndale Woods, that it hit me! Now I don't know if God slapped me up side the head, or just spoke to my heart, but it was as if Jesus said, "He is going to ask if you would consider staff again." and it didn't scare me, I didn't really think anything. Just.....ok. So the short version is that he did ask me, I asked what the job would entail, how it would look with kids, because we desire to have a family, etc. I started to get excited about the job. It is a perfect fit for me. Leading leaders. Loving on and encouraging them as leaders, and leading their own teams. I feel so blessed and loved on by the Lord. He knows me, He created me, and moved in my and Brian's heart to accept this position. Brian knew before I even got home. We talked and prayed. We just trust the Lord and what He has in store for us. It was not what I thought I would have wanted. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, and should have an 8 month old baby girl at home right now. But life does not always go as we plan. I have learned that we can't plan our lives on the "what if's". We don't know what is up ahead. We have to be obedient to where God is asking us to go now, and leave the details up to Him. And we felt clearly led to this and are excited. We are excited about raising our family in Young Life, if the Lord would allow. I am not going to lie though it is a struggle at times to leave the details to Him. We have a deep desire to have children, but we don't know what God's plan is, or his timing, which I KNOW is perfect, but it's hard to not let doubt creep in.. As I was thinking about where we are at right now, I read Jesus Calling yesterday which said, "TRUST ME WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING!" I needed to hear that! I just have to trust God with everything that I have. And I am a mess many days, but I just continue to turn my eyes toward him. We want God to use us however he wants, because I know He has the best in store for us, whatever it is.

I am sad to leave Olive Garden though. My intention was to be there part-time for a long time, but God had other plans. I am thankful for all the relationships that he gave me at the OG. And we are still friends even though I don't work there. So this picture is my brother and sister and me on my last day! They have both been working there for 11 years, and will probably be there for many more.

So much to say, but for now.....

I wanted to update our look on the blog. Nothing fancy, but just wanted a new look, for a new year. I love stars. Am obsessed with them actually, but I think it's ok. I see them EVERYWHERE! Esther is our little star and forever will be, and anything I see that has a star on it, i LOVE! So i wanted stars on our blog. Also we got family pictures taken at church and wanted to post that too. I feel like Brian and I don't take a ton of pictures so I was excited to have this one. I have so much going on in my brain right now. If you wonder where I've been, I have been kind of in my mind lately, so if you think of me, please pray! You know what that means, I end up trying to figure things out................and we all know how that goes! Not well. It has been a hard past few months. A lot has changed. I got a new job! I will write more later, I am ready for bed. :)

That's my BZ. Oh how I love him!

November 11

I know it is a day early, but I thought i would journal a little bit about what is on my heart today...about tomorrow. I stopped by Esther's grave today. A beautiful sunny day. I just wanted to say that I loved her and was sooooo thankful for her life. I was hanging out with my friend this morning and she told me that she remembered tomorrow. And she said how much I had grown in the last year. If you don't know what tomorrow is that's ok! It was the day of our 20 week appointment where we found out that Esther would probably not make it into this earthly world. I have a mix of emotions. So thankful for all God has done in our lives this past year, and in my life personally. Her gravestone says what the top page of this blog says, There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world. That is so true, but even truer now than a year ago, you know? When time goes by, you realize the impact that a life has on the world. On my world. I thought about all the people that her life impacted, but realized, standing there this morning, that probably the biggest life she impacted was mine! I am a different person today. I know that she changed me, I knew that back then, but today I can see how different I am. I love God more. I love people more. I trust God more. I love life more. I appreciate little things. I realize what is important in life, and things that really don't matter at all. And I see God in every situation, good and bad. HE IS EVERYWHERE. Nothing takes him by surprise or catches him off guard, even though often times we are. He does not forget things, or forget about us. He is involved in every detail. Crappy things happen, but He is there. He promises He will be there. God does not lie. Do I believe that He is there? Yes, yes, yes. More now than ever before. I have so many thoughts about so many things. I went to a Jeremy Camp concert Sunday night, and it was absolutely incredible. So worshipful, and so real. He is completely spirit led as he sings and shares about his life. It was so awesome to hear! He lost his wife 10 years ago to cancer. He said that he had wanted to write a book, but it just wasn't time. Wasn't time. Wasn't time. I thought, that is me! So much of my story is still being written in my life. Through our loss of Esther, and as God is working things out in my life. I want to write a book. I have a title and everything. But it's just not time yet. I don't know when it will be, but I am excited that some day I will get our whole story out on paper even if only for myself. Jeremy did just write his book, and I bought it and i am excited to read it. He has so much depth to him, that I know came through walking the tough journey that he did. It changed who he was. And God is using him and his story to draw others to Himself. That's what God uses everything for! So He can be glorified. I know that I have more depth to me than I did before and I am so thankful for that. God wastes nothing. Not one single thing we go through does he waste. He is God and he uses everything. I have said this a lot the past few days with other things going on around me......"what satan means for evil, God can use for good." You can try Satan, but you don't win! You will never win! He can try to harm us here but when our hearts belong to Jesus, he will never win. God wins. God redeems, and in a totally supernatural way beyond our comprehension, can make bad things good. I love that about HIM! That is one of the most amazing things about God. Our minds cant comprehend HIM! And I am so glad.......he is too big.....there are no words......

So I am pondering my daughter today, what her life means and will continue to mean as we live out our lives here on earth, however long that may be. I cherish each day, and am grateful for a new perspective. To not live in the future, but to live in today. What does God have for me today?? There is so much contentment in that. So much excitement. When we think too far ahead, there is fear, questions, wonder. How do we know what even tomorrow will bring? I want to live today the best way I can, and ask God to illuminate the path for me.

Gifts

I love God. I love him more and more every day. I sit in my house and am so thankful to have a house. To have a wood burning fireplace as the wind blows and the rain comes down. I appreciate our house so much. All the love, blood, sweat and tears (literally) that were put into the building of this house. It is a gift! And I thank the Lord everyday. Thinking about gifts..........I read the post of a friend who just lost her 4th baby in the womb. I was SO encouraged by her post. If you want to read it go to http://aaronandapril.blogspot.com. She was so encouraging just one short week after her loss. But she said from day one, that Elliot was a gift from the Lord. That is really the way I feel about Esther. She was a gift to us! Even though we didn't get to have her here with us, she is ours and we will see her again. She is ours, she is with Jesus and we know Jesus, so we will see her again! She was a gift....every baby conceived is a gift. We don't know how long they will be with us. And it is not as if they are not a gift just because they didn't take a breath on this earth. Or that they were not created for a purpose. EVERY baby conceived is for a purpose. And as I read April's post I was just overwhelmed with that. That she has 4 babies in heaven waiting for her, each one had a purpose for being created! God does not make mistakes! Oh what grief and sadness as she doesn't get to love them and raise them here, but the joy of knowing where they are and that all of us mom's who have lost our precious children, will rejoice with them one day! As we experience the grief though, it is hard to think of the gift that came, and then was gone, which caused the grief and pain. But God's ways are not our ways.......His thoughts are not our thoughts. We don't know why he allows the things he does, but we know he LOVES us and has GOOD plans for us. They may not be what I think are good plans, (most of the time are not:)) but i TRUST him and that is that. So I thank Him for his blessings, ALL of them. Esther and that we had her. I have pictures on my wall, and a scrapbook of her short life. We talk about her often and we thank God for her! Jesus Calling said it today ----------October 21 "The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Remember that all good things ------your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time -----are gifts from ME. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!"