Mommy Poem for Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is tomorrow.  Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mother's, whether you have children here on earth, or if they are in Heaven.  Last year this time, I was having a rough time. I knew I was a mom, but I didn't feel like a mom.  I was wrestling with all those emotions, and then I got a message from my dear cousin, and at the end she said, "you are a wonderful mother."  And I bawled!  That was the first time I really truly thought of myself as a mom!  And I guess I just think that there could be some mom's out there today, who like me, don't feel like a mom, because their children are not here.  Yesterday, I went to a beautiful memorial service for a friend's baby girl, whose name was also Esther.  It was so glorifying to God and honoring to Esther.  It was their first child, and my friend will be spending her first Mother's Day tomorrow, without her child, and that is so hard........

I found this poem on the blog of a grieving mom. I loved it. This is for all of us mom's who don't have our babies here with us on Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day, you are ALL wonderful mothers!!!

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

Right where I am supposed to be....

Today i feel like my heart wants to burst. It really is hard to describe! Well the sunshine does help, but i have felt for awhile now that I am right where I am supposed to be. That WE are right where we are supposed to be. A few months back, the sun was out, and Brian and I were taking a walk outside. I just had this overwhelming sense, that in spite of everything that our last year held, that day, we were right where God wanted us. It is a strange but peaceful feeling. Not because I had what I wanted, or because anything special or exciting had happened......but that God had us right where HE wanted. This past week, that has been affirmed. I love ministry. I love being able to meet with my young girlfriends. Share life with them, share their joy and their pain, and listen to them and hear where they are at. I LOVE IT! For my job, I get to meet with people to talk about Young Life, and the possibility of them being a leader. As I get to hear their story, I just burst inside! I get to share with them what it means to be a part of the ministry and serve the Lord, and how THEY will be blessed, and encouraged and strengthened in their walk with Christ. AND I AM ENCOURAGED..... AGAIN......and i hear it again, "Monica, this is what I put you on this earth to do!" Not because it is all about me, but because God has gifted me and placed me, right here, right now, at this point in time, for a reason. WE all are. We all have a purpose and a divine design and when we are operating in that place, it is so sweet...........and it is all from God. It is his work that he does through us. Would I be here right now, had we not gone through what we did? Losing our baby?? I don't know. But i know that God is Sovereign and he makes ALL things work together for our good. Yes that is a song, and yes that is a verse. Romans 8:28.........I know that experiencing loss has given me more compassion, sensitivity to where others are at, discernment, and a LOVE that I did not have before. God just meets us! In our deepest pain, GOD SHOWS UP! And HE changes our lives in the process. Does it hurt? Yes....terribly. But God will redeem anything that we bring to him, that we give to him. ANYTHING!!! In John, Jesus talks about remaining in Him, and about pruning in our lives. Branches are cut off, that are not producing fruit, and branches are pruned, so that they can produce more fruit. I want to produce more fruit. I do, desperately. I want more of God and I know that does not come without pain, and challenges. He is using my life experiences. He brought Brian and I together at this place and time for a purpose. Brian was 38 for crying out loud! When i talk to my young friends about waiting for God's best, i tell them our story, and they go, oh man 38!!! I don't want to wait that long...... I get it, i didn't either, and I KNOW Brian didn't want to wait that long....but he did, and I did, because we trusted God and knew that He had something more for us. It is no accident. It is no accident that we lost Esther. God in his loving Sovereignty allowed that to happen, and I know He brought others to himself because of that. That is what it is all about. Not about us. Having said, that I am hopeful for a brother or sister for Esther. Someday...... I don't know when that will be, and whether our family will be natural or from other mothers, but it will be God's perfect timing. And I trust Him. Thank you to all of you who are so faithful in praying for us to have a baby. He really has given me such a peace about His timing, and His plan. I need to do what He has called me to do. Right?? Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.....or something like that. I just trust that He is taking care of us. He always has, even in our darkest place, and he always will. I am so grateful for his blessings. Like I have said before, I appreciate life so much! More than i ever have, and this life does not compare to what life with Christ in Eternity will be. I have such an appreciation for all the people God has brought into my life this past year. Other grieving mothers, I have such a love and so much admiration for them. We have all walked a hard road, one that no one wants to walk, and many cannot imagine, but they have shown courage, just walking it. That is all we can do is walk, we have no choice, but He shows up to walk with us. God works in miraculous and mysterious ways, and I have seen His awesomeness this past year! The leaders I get to walk with and encourage in life and in ministry......what a gift for me!! I feel like I have so many "spiritual kids" because of the time I have spent in Young Life ministry. Ones I have seen come to know him, and even stray away, but years later come back to him!! It is all about planting seeds. Loving people unconditionally. Accepting others where they are at. I was loved on this way growing up.......and I strayed away.......but I came back............My cup is overflowing..... God you are so good.