You are My Shepherd

If you have 3 and half minutes, and also are in need of encouragement, please listen to this song. (Pause the playlist on the bottom of the page.)God spoke to me this morning through this song, as I was driving to Bellingham. I have been wrestling with not being pregnant yet. It hasn't been that long, but long enough to be thinking, why am I not? I trust the Lord and his timing and he is so good. But I think even the battle of continually giving it over to the Lord is hard at times. Maybe I am not doing something right, but it's hard. I think even subconsciously it has been bothering me. Because I didn't feel stressed out. So i am wrestling with God and listening to this awesome CD a friend made for me. And I listened to the words of this song, and God gave me a picture. So let me set this up a bit. I keep thinking, well maybe God does not want us to have kids?? And then I can't stand the thought of that, and start to freak out. I think I have been looking at God as a taker, and not a giver. And I know that's not true, but it's part of the wrestling. I've thought, well it happened once, why could it not happen again? Or maybe when you experience a loss, it is just kind of the way your mind goes, all crazy. So I realized this morning that that is how I have viewed God recently. It's weird how fast things change. Because even a few weeks before, I had been feeling good, and encouraged and hopeful and blessed. But the enemy gets in there and wants to get a foothold. I keep saying to the Lord, "Lord, I need peace, from YOU! You are the only one. Help me!" I hate that Satan messes with us! So this morning I am listening to this song, belting at the top of my lungs, and this stuck out to me, "You are my shepherd in the wilderness, whom shall I fear? You are the God who goes before me, my rock and my shield...." and then I saw a picture of God on the road ahead of me, bent down on one knee, holding up a shield and fighting for me, protecting me! And I just got teary eyed. I felt so much love from God and was overwhelmed by that picture! He was ahead of me and fighting and has good things in store. He has proved himself faithful so many times. So many times! What is my problem? I have just been focused on the negative stuff, and it just spiraled me downward. It happens so fast. Rather than continually focusing on Jesus and thanking him for everything, for who He is, and for his love. I love that he continually brings us back. He is so patient and loving and gently brings us back. All we have to do is repent. So I repented. I told him I was sorry for looking at him in that way, that I know that is not who He is. He is a Giver, that is His nature. He is not a Taker. Just because we have lost one child does not mean that we are cursed. Now I know that we don't know what the future holds, but we know WHO holds it. He is in control. God holds the world in the palm of his hand. He knows every detail and has not forgotten us. He has not forgotten you.

Goodbye Olive Garden....Hello Young Life Staff

Only 3 short months after beginning, I worked my last shift at the Olive Garden today. It was weird. I have hardly been there. But the Lord opened a door for Brian and I with Young Life again. It was through sad circumstances, but the Associate Area Director position for North Whatcom County Young Life became available. I wasn't thinking about it, looking for it, or anything. It was almost like God blinded my eyes to it, until the right time. Maybe I would have overanalyzed it, or thought too much? haha Anyway, I had thought of plenty of other people who would be great in that position, but never once me. I was happy where I was, part-time Olive Garden, and volunteering with Young Life. So about a month ago, I was driving to meet my AD, and it wasn't until I was about a half a mile away from Ferndale Woods, that it hit me! Now I don't know if God slapped me up side the head, or just spoke to my heart, but it was as if Jesus said, "He is going to ask if you would consider staff again." and it didn't scare me, I didn't really think anything. Just.....ok. So the short version is that he did ask me, I asked what the job would entail, how it would look with kids, because we desire to have a family, etc. I started to get excited about the job. It is a perfect fit for me. Leading leaders. Loving on and encouraging them as leaders, and leading their own teams. I feel so blessed and loved on by the Lord. He knows me, He created me, and moved in my and Brian's heart to accept this position. Brian knew before I even got home. We talked and prayed. We just trust the Lord and what He has in store for us. It was not what I thought I would have wanted. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, and should have an 8 month old baby girl at home right now. But life does not always go as we plan. I have learned that we can't plan our lives on the "what if's". We don't know what is up ahead. We have to be obedient to where God is asking us to go now, and leave the details up to Him. And we felt clearly led to this and are excited. We are excited about raising our family in Young Life, if the Lord would allow. I am not going to lie though it is a struggle at times to leave the details to Him. We have a deep desire to have children, but we don't know what God's plan is, or his timing, which I KNOW is perfect, but it's hard to not let doubt creep in.. As I was thinking about where we are at right now, I read Jesus Calling yesterday which said, "TRUST ME WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING!" I needed to hear that! I just have to trust God with everything that I have. And I am a mess many days, but I just continue to turn my eyes toward him. We want God to use us however he wants, because I know He has the best in store for us, whatever it is.

I am sad to leave Olive Garden though. My intention was to be there part-time for a long time, but God had other plans. I am thankful for all the relationships that he gave me at the OG. And we are still friends even though I don't work there. So this picture is my brother and sister and me on my last day! They have both been working there for 11 years, and will probably be there for many more.

So much to say, but for now.....

I wanted to update our look on the blog. Nothing fancy, but just wanted a new look, for a new year. I love stars. Am obsessed with them actually, but I think it's ok. I see them EVERYWHERE! Esther is our little star and forever will be, and anything I see that has a star on it, i LOVE! So i wanted stars on our blog. Also we got family pictures taken at church and wanted to post that too. I feel like Brian and I don't take a ton of pictures so I was excited to have this one. I have so much going on in my brain right now. If you wonder where I've been, I have been kind of in my mind lately, so if you think of me, please pray! You know what that means, I end up trying to figure things out................and we all know how that goes! Not well. It has been a hard past few months. A lot has changed. I got a new job! I will write more later, I am ready for bed. :)

That's my BZ. Oh how I love him!