Celebrating Esther's life

It was 3 years ago today that we experienced the most painful day.....ever.  Losing our little girl.  It was a time that really made me think about life, and the value and preciousness of it.  One little life.  Whether it ends in utero, or at 90 years old, ALL life matters, and was made for a purpose.  Esther was created by God for a specific purpose.  I need to remember and know that.  Most days I know that, but some days I need to remember that. 

I think I just needed to ponder this for myself, to know that Esther was here.  That she was not just a figment of my imagination.  For those mommas who have lost little ones before actually giving birth, it is hard, you want so badly for their life to matter, for people to remember!  As most people continue on with life, those hard days fade away, and can be forgotten.  But not for us.  There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of her, remember her and love her.  I don't cry, hardly ever, but I did today.  I need that.  Most people get to celebrate their children with a cake, and gifts.  I want to celebrate Esther even though she is not here.  She changed who I am.  God used her in my life and so many others, and that is such a gift.  To me.  To know that she mattered and made a difference by being on this earth even if she never walked it......

And so i feel sad, to not have her here........and YET, I am so thankful she is with Jesus.  She is not in pain. She is in the best possible place she could be, other than with us. :)  Because of her life, I have experienced Jesus in ways I never would have.  In this Christmas season, I am struck again by Emmanuel, God with us. We sang this song recently, and it hit me in a new way.....

Emmanuel, Emmanuel
His name is called, Emmanuel
God is with us, revealed in us.

And I paused during the song..........When we go through painful trials, God shows up!  He is with us and he walks us through unimaginable times.  I was talking to a friend yesterday who lost her husband recently, and we both said, its the grace of God.......no other explanation for how we make it through unimaginable pain.  we get to the other side, and can't explain how we got there.....God's grace.  But then the next line hit me in a new way.......revealed in us.......He reveals himself in us.  Look at the first definition of revealed that I found when I googled it........ 

revealed - make (previously unknown or secret information) known to others.

isn't that awesome!?

God wants to make himself known to others, through us!!  And that is what life is all about.  He is with us always, in the good and bad, and he wants to reveal himself to others through us.  Because what happens???  As I experience God, and his with-ness, I want to tell everybody the secret!!!  He will be with you too!  Put your trust in him.  He will not fail you!  He will never let you down!  All you have to do is trust him!!!  In the best of times, AND in the worst of times. God came down to earth in a bod, Jesus Christ, he was with us, because he wanted to be with us forever!!!  He wants us to know Him from now, into eternity!

And so when unimaginable painful things happen, and they do, we tend to ask, God where are you??  Did you forget about me?  How could this happen??  And there are days I ask those questions......but Jesus continually brings me back to, "Oh Monica, yes I am here!  I am WITH you, remember how I was WITH you on that day, December 20th, 2010?  You felt my presence, you experienced my personal comfort.  You knew that I was with you.  Don't forget!  But I know you will, and so I reveal myself to you again, because I love you."  In this beautiful dusting of fresh white snow!  Oh, the peace and the calm he shows me today.........."See dear Monica, this is for you!"  (You may think it's for you today, but it's for me.  hehe  :) oh wait, it can be for ALL of us!)

As I ponder today, I am reminded of a time of prayer I had with a woman shortly after Esther's death.  As she prayed for me, she said that Esther could see the making of her brothers and sisters.  I have remembered this over the years as we have struggled to get pregnant again, and I wonder if she ever will have siblings.  I fear, and I wonder if this is true.  God has walked us on a journey for the past 5 years as we have talked about adoption and timing, as both Brian and I have had a heart to adopt, and for all kids, any age.  Do we adopt now before we try to have biological kids, do we wait and have bio kids first??  Oh the questions, and no clear answers for many years.  Get pregnant, lose Esther, grieve.  Meet with different people, explore our options, not clear timing.  One answer is a no.  One answer seems to be a not yet.  And so we wait.  I trust in the Lord and his wonderful plan for our life.  Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."  We continue to serve the Lord and do what he has called us to do.  And whatever "all these things" are, we will wait. 

Through this process, I have prayed for open doors.  That God would show us what he wants, when he wants in his PERFECT timing.  Oh that is so so hard!  I want what I want, now.  And there are days I want a child to hold and love so badly, I ache.......But I am grateful for God's process and his timing, because now, I don't need a baby.  I don't need a child to make me happy.  God is enough.  He has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams with an amazing husband, and family and life and job with Young Life!  I would LOVE a child to raise, and well LOVE the socks off of.  God brought Brian and I to a place of unity recently, and so....

the adoption process has begun!!! 

We feel adoption just fits who we are.  I already feel like we have a ton of spiritual children!!  We would love your prayers as we grind through paperwork and home study, oh yeah, and we are building a new house as well!!  We are so excited!  We are adopting domestically, through an agency some friends went through in Georgia.  It was a great experience, and now I not only am looking forward to adopting a baby, but am looking forward to how God will reveal himself in and through us, throughout this process!  To see how God would use us in the life of the birthparents, if he so desires, and that God would be glorified and made known!!! 

So we celebrate the life of our sweet Esther today, and in this season, and we are excited for the next season as we look forward to meeting Esther's sibling(s) in God's completely PERFECT timing.

Merry Christmas!  Mo and BZ

It is weird to come back and post after almost a year!  But nevertheless I have had some things on my heart and got the feeling that it was time to write.  It's not that I haven't had other things on my heart over the past year, haha.  But when i get this urge, i believe i need to write because there is someone out there who may be sharing in my struggles, so here we go! 

I just got done reading a book called Kisses from Katie.  I picked it up at the airport a few weeks ago because I had forgotten to take a book with me on our quick girls trip to Vegas to see Celine Dion.  Amazing show, but that is another story.  (Funny too, because in this book, Katie references Celine. lol)  I didn't even read it a ton while there, but since I have gotten back, I have read it just chunks at a time.  And it wasn't until I closed the book, that I realized how much it had impacted me, and a GLARING point that hit me soon after.  I have been bitter toward God, and unthankful.  There I said it.  I didn't realize this until I read the Afterword of this book, and she shared her perspective on a very gutwrenching situation that she had gone through.  I read the whole book, but i feel like it was the Afterword that God wanted me to see. To point out the attitude of my heart that I have been fighting and telling myself its okay that I feel the way I do.  Or pretending that I don't in fact feel the way....... that I really do feel. 

The real life story of Katie is that she is a 22 year old girl from Tennessee who moved to Uganda because she felt a call on her life from God.  People didn't understand it, but she went right out of high school.  She lives there, trusts God with everything, has adopted 14 girls, and goes wherever God tells her to go, and to help whoever he brings into her path.  So inspiring!!  I want to live like that.  And yet I don't.  I think I have gotten so focused on what i don't have (children), and my view has gotten VERY narrow! She has courage in Jesus, and knows that He will meet her every need.  How else could you adopt 14 children, take in anyone who is sick, and feed and school hundreds of other children in the villages around her!?  This is so familiar to me, because of my experience with Starfish Ministries and the amazing work that Bernie and Sheryl Bovenkamp and their team in Haiti do for the people of Haiti!!  God just meets their needs!  I have seen this kind of poverty in Haiti, that Katie talks about in Uganda.  So overwhelming, and yet God just tells her to take care of the ones he places in front of her!  What an amazing way to look at life.  To not get overwhelmed by the need, but to do what is in front of us.  To help those that God brings in our lives.  Who are our neighbors?  our friends? Our co-workers?  We can do the same thing here too!  So besides wanting to adopt a dozen kids from Africa after reading this book, I needed to ask God for forgiveness for my bitter heart. I have felt stuck, and stagnant and I think that my bitterness is why I have felt that way.  How can bitterness and love thrive in the same place?  Bitterness is like a weed, weeds take over!! 

One of the girls Katie adopted was a little girl named Jane.  She had been brought to Katie, and she needed help.  They nursed her back to health, and after looking for her bio-mom and not finding her, moved forward to adopt her.  Well, a year later, the mom showed up on Katie's doorstep and wanted Jane back.  She fought for her, but legally there was nothing she could do.  Jane went back to live with her mom.   Katie was so heartbroken, having loved this child as her own for a year, and then having to give her back.  I know a similar pain!  But her response was incredible as she reflected on the hardest thing she had ever had to do up until that point in her life.  She says, 'For a brief moment I wonder how God can be good when babies starve and people die cold and alone and children are ripped from their mothers.  But only for a moment.  Because then i look around and I know that I am nothing without Him.  That none of this, none of this life I have, would exist without Him. "Surely just as I have intended so it has happened and just as I have planned so it will stand," He says in Isaiah 14:24.  My good God gives only good things; He planned this and He will use this.  In Him, even sorrow is Joy.'  That hit me.  Even in her deep pain, and not understanding of why Jane was taken away, she trusted God.  And was so quickly able to say, that we would have NONE of this life without Christ!  Oh that is so beautiful.  So what I needed to hear.  Who do I think I am??? And who am i living for?  Myself, or Jesus? She mentioned in a prayer over a dear friend who was dying, that God had not forgotten her, and that she would be with him soon, and then I realized..... I do feel forgotten.  I never realized that i felt that way before.  I know it is not true, but it made me almost cry today as I was telling my running partners that.  When it appears that EVERYONE else around me is getting pregnant and having babies, that is an easy LIE to believe, and it also appears that I have believed it.  I know that is not true, as I know people who are struggling just as we are.  But I have let the enemy take that and narrow my focus to only be looking at myself and what I DON'T have, rather than on Jesus and His plan, and not only what I DO have, but on what He has for us to do in this life.  I have to remind myself of the truth.  I know He has good plans for us.  I know he is good, and loves us, and I am His favorite!  That was another thing Katie talked about, knowing in her spirit that she is one of God's favorites.  And in my spirit i thought to myself, I don't really feel like one of his favorites........

So there are my raw true feelings, and that is where I need to stop.  I took a Freedom in Christ class earlier this year.  And the truth is I have not been living Free.  I have been focused on my feelings, (which are not THE truth) instead of on Jesus and what He says is true.  Man it is a battle!  I think I just got tired of fighting.  Tired of not knowing how to pray, or what to pray for.  Maybe I shouldn't pray for a child?  Maybe that is not what God wants?  So then why ask for it?  Then I think I just stopped praying and in turn stopped believing??  I didn't stop believing in Jesus, but I think i stopped asking, and there for it jaded my hope in Jesus.  Weird as that sounds, I thought why pray???  Oh that is a scary and slippery slope, where the enemy wants me to be, and I am sick of being there.  I want to pray for anything and believe in the power of Jesus, to answer whatever it is!!  And know that He has the power to do it.  I know he does, but I was in a fog.  I am praying that fog has lifted!  I want to focus on being grateful!  And thanking Him for every little thing.  I am nothing without Him!  I trust Him and I love Him so much, I am sorry I have wasted so much time being in a bitter pit!  God has brought Romans 12:1-2 back into my life as I have prayed for my high school girls this year.  I realize that the Lord wants to use that verse in my life too this year, as I trust Him to renew my mind.  I am done conforming to the patterns of this world, and will trust Jesus to transform me!!!!  So while I'm at it, I will thank Jesus for the MANY spiritual daughters the Lord has given me over 10 years, through the amazing ministry of Young Life, and the 21 year old Asian daughter He has given Brian and I to encourage and love and support, as she journeys through life.  We are her Caucasion parents, and she is our Asian daughter.  haha, what a gift. Definitely a God-ordained relationship.  I can tell you more about her another time:)

Romans 12:1-2 says "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship^.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."  Amen to this truth right?!


So if you read this, i would covet your prayers!  If you need an inspirational read, I highly recommend Katie Davis' book, Kisses from Katie.  She also has a blog, www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

In His Grip!!

The beauty of grace....

"Take time to be holy.  The word holy does not mean goody-goody; it means set apart for sacred use.  That is what these quiet moments in My Presence are accomplishing within you.  As you focus your mind and heart on Me, you are being transformed: re-created into the one I designed you to be.  This process requires blocks of time set aside for communion with Me."  Jesus Calling, Dec. 14

Isn't this refreshing!?  One of my best friends and I were talking about this yesterday.  I think it is so easy to focus on the "doing" of our relationship with Jesus.  Or if we don't know Jesus, that is why.  Because we feel like it would be too hard.  We have to do better, or be better.  Try harder.  That is not what our relationship with Jesus is about!  I think the enemy twists the truth (well we know he does) and makes us think that it is about the work that we do.  ha, well guess what Satan, it is not about us and how good we are!  It is about Jesus and how GOOD He is, and the sacrifice that he made for us and paid for us, so that we could be in this amazing loving relationship with HIM!  Covered by grace, not trying to keep the law.  Under the law, there is death.  We can not grow in a relationship with Him under the law.  We will never be good enough, therefore it brings death.  But Grace!!  Undeserved merit and favor, that comes from God alone, now that brings freedom!!  The freedom to fail, the freedom to try, the freedom to just BE.  And as Jesus Calling has said today, we do not have to be holy, to be perfect to try to prove ourselves to God or anyone else, but to be set apart.......wow.  For the work that Jesus wants to do in us.  The work that He alone can do in us, when we surrender ourselves to him, and offer ourselves up to him so that he can do in us and through us, what we would NEVER be able to do alone.  What was life-changing for me several years back, was when God finally took the scales off my eyes.  I had been trying to live a perfect life and not mess up...ever.  If I did I would berate myself.  Then His Word jumped out at me and he said, "Monica, if you were perfect, then I died in vain!  I died for nothing, if you could be perfect enough and do everything on your own!  There would have been no need for me coming to earth and dying for YOUR sins."  WOWZA!  That hit me square between the eyes, and led me to repentance as I realized the way I had been living, in my desire to please God had essentially led me to a performance treadmill.  That was not my heart, it was not me intentionally trying to be in control.  Nevertheless I was there.  But there is something about surrender.  About acknowledging the fact that we don't have it altogether, and we never will.  But with Jesus we can do anything and everything that he has laid out for us.  It is not a crutch.  Jesus is not a crutch.  He is our HOPE!  Our only hope of anything good coming out of this life, the pain and the heartache that we face. and for our life eternally.  Oh that brings me joy.  Jesus just wants to love us.  And there is so much of ourselves that get in the way of allowing him to love us.  And it started in the Garden of Eden, when Satan twisted the truth and lied to Eve and her man.  Our own desire for control, started there, and it has not left us... ever.  Only by the grace and love of Jesus can we come out from under that heavy burden.  That is a heavy load! To try to figure things out in life, and what to do?  What path to take?  How to navigate through hurt and pain that changes our lives.  What do we do with that??  How amazing to release that control and surrender to the ONE who holds the world in HIS hands, who knows ALL things!?  Give the burden to Jesus and let Him carry it for us, now that is freeing....... and He wants it, and then we know Him more.  I can tell you that there is NOTHING better.  I am free.  And it's not because I have everything I desire.  It is because Jesus has revealed himself to me as I have surrendered to Him and His will.  He has met me there.  In His pool of grace. 

Take heart!

Jesus Calling has stirred up a lot in me this morning!  I need to get it out.  If you are a reader of this awesome devotional, then you may know what I am talking about.  If not, then here it is...... 

November 15 -

Approach problems with a light touch.  When your mind moves toward a problem area, you tend to focus on that situation so intensely that you lose sight of Me.  You pit yourself against the difficulty as if you had to conquer it immediately.  Your mind gears up for battle, and your body becomes tense and anxious.  Unless you achieve total victory, you feel defeated.

There is a better way.  When a problem starts to overshadow your thoughts, bring this matter to Me.  Talk with Me about it and look at it in the Light of My presence.  This puts some much-needed space between you and your concern, enabling you to see from My perspective.  You will be surprised at the results. Sometimes you may even laugh at yourself for being so serious about something so insignificant.  

You will always face trouble in this life.  But more importantly, you will always have Me with you, helping you to handle whatever you encounter.  Approach problems with a light touch by viewing them in My revealing Light.

You will always face trouble in this life.........yes we will.  One of my favorite verses is John 16:33, which states, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  I love this.  Jesus states emphatically with an exclamation point, take heart!!!!  I am here, I have overcome, there is more to this life......well, than just this life!!!!  I think Jesus allows hardship, trouble, pain, calamity, into our life because He loves us SO MUCH!  And I know that sounds weird, from a human perspective, but from a God perspective, just think about that?  He loves us, and he knows that when things are good, floating along just fine, we don't need him as much, so we wander around, try to do things our own way, and yet we are not experiencing the full love of God, of WHO HE IS!  I know when things seem to be fine, that doesn't automatically equal happiness in my life, you know??   Sometimes, it's just kind of blah, and I think, ok, well on the outside everything appears fine.  Life is good.  But on the inside, I am not necessarily pressing into God, and experiencing His full love.  The love that has been proven in my life that I won't experience without hardship.  Now I know this is not for all people.  Some people can really press into Him in the good times, and experience His full love.  But generally speaking, I think it is safe to say, that many of us often have to be brought to our knees, to really let God in. And to turn to Him, and to let him have his way with us.  As Jesus lovers, I think, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way!  You know??  And I often times have to learn the hard way.  And He wants to show us Himself, but often times He can't, until all we can do is focus on him.  Until things are so bad, or we are in so much pain, that all we can do is scream his name, JESUS.  And He is right. there.  Always.  The same, yesterday, today and forever!!  And we will experience Him in ways we never have, and never could before.

The problem is, that we all have brokenness.  Every. single. one. of us.  It looks different.  As I sat with people this week, and reflect on my own life, here are just a few areas of brokenness.......fear, anger, depression, bitterness, pride, jealousy, envy, struggling with anorexia, unhealthy relationships, as we look to others to find significance.  Really, anything that we look to, to find our significance, OTHER than Jesus Christ, will always fail.  Will always let us down.  Will always never (love that, double negative) work out. Will always be broken.   Because it is not in God, our Maker and Designer.  And so God allows things in our life, and Satan wants to mess with us.  It can be any or all of those things.  Satan knows our areas of weakness, and brokenness, and wants to dig in right at that spot.  To discourage us, and ultimately take us out.  But because God is the victor, he wins in the end.  And he uses our brokenness, and works IN and THROUGH our brokenness, to REDEEM our brokenness and USE our brokenness to bring glory to Himself.  He takes broken pieces of our hearts, and puts them back together.  He brings beauty out of ashes.  Because it is then clear that it was HIM!  There is no other answer, no other way that healing could have happened.  Sometimes we even need to take ourselves out of situations, and rely on God alone, if we are ever going to see change happen.  We think we need to be involved, if something is going to happen.  I am guilty of this!  And that is so prideful!  Oh our humanness.........ugly, but a place where God can reach in and turn into beauty!  So if we do not experience hardship, I would wonder????  He loves us too much to leave us where we are......Do I really desire to know Him, and want His best for me??  Or do I want to settle for what the world has to offer??  Outside of Jesus, it is a whole bunch of crap.  It takes breaking and tearing away of our will, and surrendering to His.  He wants to bring our hearts and our lives in line with His will, and His purposes.  Be encouraged today.  If you are going through it right now, God is in it with you!  He has a purpose and a plan that He is working out.  Or He would not have allowed it in your life.  It doesn't always make sense.  Well, hardly ever.  But He is Sovereign and has a good plan....He is good.  It will all be made clear when we get to see Him one day!

So I love that Jesus Calling today talks about perspective.  I can get so focused on my problem, that I lose sight of Jesus and His dealings and thoughts on the matter.  I lose sight of His perspective and what He is doing, and how He is working through situations.  When I can back up a bit, turn my eyes to Him, and focus on Him, then my problems don't seem as huge and overwhelming.  I need His light shed on the situation.  Take heart!  It is in me, and me alone that you will have peace.  I love that, because it is not in his blessings, or what he can give to us that brings us peace, but it is in He Himself.  His person..........He brings us peace, because He is peace.

She said it couldn't be done.

She said it couldn't be done......and that she, was me.  Not as much couldn't, but wouldn't.  End of September I ran my first half marathon.  My family and friends were there to support me as I ran with a few of my dear dear friends.  My family took pictures all along the way.  I told them, you better take lots of pics because this is the only half marathon I will do!  Then I ran it, and decided I may do it again.  It was so much fun.  Hard, but fun.  My training went great for the first 8 weeks or so, and then as my long run distances started increasing, so did my pain!!! Oh my, I didn't realized I had knee pain until I started running.  So I increased my massage and chiropractor appointments and they got me up to snuff.  I am so thankful!  And I realized I needed to do a better job of stretching my muscles too, I am not that great at it.  I enjoy running.   I never, ever, never, never, ever thought I would hear those words come out of my mouth!  It feels good, there is just something that happens as you run.  Maybe it is the endorphins??  So to all my friends who say, I am not a runner, I say to you, you can be!  I was not a runner, and now I am a runner.  I really enjoy 3 or 4 mile runs, and I will continue to do that, as it is not as hard on my body as the long runs are.  I think I even got my bro and sis to commit to running the half marathon next year, and my parents may walk the half.  That would be so cool.  What I loved the most about this run, is that apart from training, I would not have been able to do it.  I followed the beginner training plan to a t, to begin with, and I knew, if I stick to this plan, I will be able to run on race day.  But if I hadn't had a training plan, I would have been freaked out, not knowing if i would be ready come race day.  I love that!  I don't mean this to sound cheesy, but I think that it is a lot like life you know???  God has given us his WORD, and has let us know the WAY to get to Him, to be accepted as His sons and daughters.  All we have to do is accept HIM and choose to give our lives to Him and surrender to his will and his way.  If we stick with Him, and follow Him and stay close to Him, we will show up on "race day", the final day when we get to go to Heaven to meet our Lord and Savior, and He will say, "You did it! You made it, Well done."  We will have hardships and pain along the way, but we will survive!  I had major pain along the way, but stayed faithful to the training plan, and I ran.  It wasn't pretty, but I ran.  It wasn't fast, but I ran.  It was such an amazing experience!  Friends asked me if I felt emotional crossing the finish line, and I really didn't.  I was so thankful and happy to have had the opportunity to run. I ran for myself, and for Esther, and for Jesus.   Even when I was in pain, or it was hard, I thanked the Lord for the 2 legs and 2 arms that I have, and that I am able to run.  I know there are many who are not able to, and I am very aware of this fact, and super grateful. ( in my case, having lost a child and not being pregnant yet, and hearing other people who do have children complain about things.....I am not saying that it is wrong, it is just hard....my fellow baby-loss moms can identify :)  The race was hard, but I have arms and legs to run )  So I have practiced thankfulness in the midst of my training, and still feeling so full of life.  Air in my lungs, sweat dripping off my body, stinking a stank that I have never smelled on me before!  I am alive!

So I never thought I could do it. But I did.  And if I can do it, ANYONE can do it.  Seriously.  It is all about the training.  And it does take sacrifice.  Early mornings, I knew that I had to run.  I couldn't choose not to run, or I would not have been ready on race day.  You can do it!!

Enjoy a few pictures.......Our time was 2 hours and 14 minutes!!

                        My family came and supported me!!  They were so encouraging!

Our shirts were made by a dear friend Rhonda Holtrop (middle with #2705 on shirt)  and her husband Jason who lost their baby Esther Frances to CDH back in May.  They are raising support to help other families who find themselves in need when going through loss or tragedy's with children! From left to right: Me, Jenny Bajema, Rhonda, Paige Huttula.

                                                      I am so ready!  Lots of adrenaline...

                 Mile 7 at Squalicum Park!!  There was even a band playing.....We're smiling, and we have Jazz hands for some reason!:)  Thanks to Paige and Staci Zenonian (pink shirt) for sticking with me!

                                          Mile 12 ish......still smiling....and almost done!!!!

          My faithful running/training partner and bestest friend Paige Huttula!! Thank you friend..

Come Away My Beloved.....

I have been struck with a few thoughts and prayers from a devotional I kinda stole from my cousin.  Well I gave it back now, but I have had a chance to read some of them at random, and they really express my hearts desire.  I wonder if you can relate as well?

From Come Away My Beloved......."I am the Lord your God.  I know no limitations.  I know no lack.  I need not reserve My stores, for I always have a fresh supply.  You can by no means ever exhaust My infinite resources.  Let your heart run wild.  Let your imagination go vagabond.  No extravagance of the human thought can ever plumb the depths of My planning and provision for My children. 
Rejoice, therefore,  and face each day with joy; for I have planned ahead for you and made all necessary arrangements and reservations.  I am your guide and benefactor.  Put your hand in Mine."

Jesus has recently freed me, and continues to because it really is a daily thing, of some things I was wrestling with.  I felt like it was hard to pray for our family and our desires to have another child.  I wasn't sure if it was wrong to or not?  I mean, if that is not what God has for us, then why would I want to pray for that?  I became discouraged in that, and kind of stopped praying for a child. I am so thankful that I have so many friends and family who have and are standing in the gap and lifting us up, lifting me and my heart up to Jesus.  THANK YOU!  You know who you are..........  I have realized though that that is where the enemy would want me, to not pray for the desires of my heart.  To even twist that, to keep me from going to Jesus.  That is right where I need to be, in Jesus's arms!  As I read this from the Lord, I was so encouraged, because I can't even possibly ASK for what He has planned for us, I have no idea.  My human mind and heart cannot comprehend.  I want what Jesus wants for our life!  I trust Him, and I know He has plans and provision for us.  Sometimes it feels like He does not, or that we have been forgotten, but I know that is not true.  Just because His plan and timing is not my plan and timing, doesn't mean He is not God and is not still working!  He has made all the necessary arrangements for each day for me.  I want to live in the moment of each day, and I know I have said it before, but I don't want to miss what He has for me each day.  But it is a struggle, as my eyes waver from HIM, and I begin to doubt.  Much like Peter walking on water going out to meet Jesus.  He began to sink when He took his eyes off and looked at the waves around Him.  I know Jesus just wants my heart.  My surrendered self all to Himself.  I do not want any idols, or to desire anything but Him.  When I am surrendered to Him, I feel so free!  I desperately want what He wants for my life.  To bring glory to himself and to draw others to HIM!  I know He knows my heart, and so I will continue to pray for the making of our family.  A dear friend told me last week, about when Jesus promised to Mary that she would carry the Savior of the world.  Even with this promise, Mary responded, "May it be as you have said."  The word may means, let it be yes or no, or a promise of a possibility.  As I pray, I want to have the posture of Mary, to ask and believe, but hold it loosely, really as I should everything in my life!  "Lord, whatever you want.  This is my desire, but whatever you want, and whatever timing you have.  Just give me the grace to walk through this!!"  I am thankful that He does give us everything we need to walk the journeys we are on.

I want to not lack anything, I know that is what Jesus does in us through our suffering, through the refining process.  Many times I want to scream, I don't want to be refined!!!  It is hard and it is painful.  But it is good.  God knows us and LOVES us, and knows what the refining process will produce in us. Only the power of the Holy Spirit in us can take away the things in us that we humanly cannot do ourselves.  To make us more Jesus-like, and that is what life is all about.  To reflect Jesus and hopefully draw others to him.  I want to be a true reflection..........

This last prayer from this awesome devo is SO where my heart is today!  I got up this am and ran really fast on my treadmill, for me a 9:00 minute mile:)  and worshiped the Lord as I ran!

"Grant this one prayer more, Lord, that You would give us all that is lacking in us; intensify our hunger and fire our devotion; take the indifference from our spirits; and have within us Your wonderful way and perfect will, O God, we pray; Amen."

"Lord, have within ME your wonderful way and perfect will............Amen, and Amen."

Choices.....

I just got out of a really hot shower, after a 5 mile run with a friend, and a dinner that was thrown together out of what I had in the freezer!! It was strange, but good.:) As I was in the shower, I thought............I need to go write. That hasn't happened in a long time, but there are some things that I have been pondering. This morning as I was reading my devotional, our roommate Kelly came in being carried piggy back by her boyfriend. I thought to myself, oh, young love. With a warmness in my heart. Then it hit me....... would I be so happy for them, if I was not so happily married, or didn't have that for myself? And I realized that I probably would not. I know that is sad to say, but that is where I have been at for awhile now in regards to hearing of the throngs of women who are pregnant and having babies. I have had a hard time being excited for others. There I said it! Not that I am not excited for them and having a baby, but my very next thought is always, "Lord why can't I have that?" It is easy for us to be happy for others and celebrate, when WE have what WE want right? I have felt challenged by the Lord in Romans 12:15, "to rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn." I can do that! It is easy for me to mourn with others who have lost a loved one, because that is a road I have walked. It is SO hard to rejoice, and I realize that I have not been doing a very good job, and I feel the Lord saying, "Monica, you need to rejoice with others. I am not asking you, I am telling you." And I am sorry to all of my sisters who have had babies, and I am sure it has been hard to tell me, and I really have been excited for you! It has just been my own selfishness and has made me recognize what I don't have and to ask why I don't have it! Of course that is where the devil would want me to sit and stay. Discouraged. Feeling like I am missing out. Like God is holding out on me. Like a little kid!!! And I do not want to, and I will not stay in that place. I have always said, it is easy to love the loveable, right? In our own human strength we can love those who are easy to love. But we need Jesus' love through us to love those who are hard to love. We can't do it on our own! And I think I have been trying to just do this on my own too, and to try to "feel" my way into rejoicing? If that makes any sense? But I don't often feel it. And it doesn't work like that! Life is not about feeling! It is a choice, and I need to choose to trust Jesus enough to help me, and just do it. I believe when I choose to rejoice with others, then it is through the rejoicing that He will strengthen me and change my heart!

I have been practicing thanking the Lord. He has blessed us so much, and I have a wonderful full life! I am so grateful for the amazing man God brought me together with. We never had "young love"! haha, because we were a bit older when we got married, but we had "new" love! I am so grateful to God for his timing in bringing us together. I am thankful that he had us "wait" until just the right time, his time. But it was a long time!! Especially for Brian, who was 38 when we wed! But so so worth it. Almost 4 years later, and I love him more and more every single day. I am grateful for the foundation that the Lord has laid in both of our lives, and the foundation that is so strong because of Him, and also what He has brought us through. I am hopeful that we will have a family soon!! I don't know what "soon" means, but I am believing that God is just "waiting" for the perfect time to bring a brother or sister for Esther and a son or daughter for us! I trust Him. He has not failed us! And will not........