She said it couldn't be done.

She said it couldn't be done......and that she, was me.  Not as much couldn't, but wouldn't.  End of September I ran my first half marathon.  My family and friends were there to support me as I ran with a few of my dear dear friends.  My family took pictures all along the way.  I told them, you better take lots of pics because this is the only half marathon I will do!  Then I ran it, and decided I may do it again.  It was so much fun.  Hard, but fun.  My training went great for the first 8 weeks or so, and then as my long run distances started increasing, so did my pain!!! Oh my, I didn't realized I had knee pain until I started running.  So I increased my massage and chiropractor appointments and they got me up to snuff.  I am so thankful!  And I realized I needed to do a better job of stretching my muscles too, I am not that great at it.  I enjoy running.   I never, ever, never, never, ever thought I would hear those words come out of my mouth!  It feels good, there is just something that happens as you run.  Maybe it is the endorphins??  So to all my friends who say, I am not a runner, I say to you, you can be!  I was not a runner, and now I am a runner.  I really enjoy 3 or 4 mile runs, and I will continue to do that, as it is not as hard on my body as the long runs are.  I think I even got my bro and sis to commit to running the half marathon next year, and my parents may walk the half.  That would be so cool.  What I loved the most about this run, is that apart from training, I would not have been able to do it.  I followed the beginner training plan to a t, to begin with, and I knew, if I stick to this plan, I will be able to run on race day.  But if I hadn't had a training plan, I would have been freaked out, not knowing if i would be ready come race day.  I love that!  I don't mean this to sound cheesy, but I think that it is a lot like life you know???  God has given us his WORD, and has let us know the WAY to get to Him, to be accepted as His sons and daughters.  All we have to do is accept HIM and choose to give our lives to Him and surrender to his will and his way.  If we stick with Him, and follow Him and stay close to Him, we will show up on "race day", the final day when we get to go to Heaven to meet our Lord and Savior, and He will say, "You did it! You made it, Well done."  We will have hardships and pain along the way, but we will survive!  I had major pain along the way, but stayed faithful to the training plan, and I ran.  It wasn't pretty, but I ran.  It wasn't fast, but I ran.  It was such an amazing experience!  Friends asked me if I felt emotional crossing the finish line, and I really didn't.  I was so thankful and happy to have had the opportunity to run. I ran for myself, and for Esther, and for Jesus.   Even when I was in pain, or it was hard, I thanked the Lord for the 2 legs and 2 arms that I have, and that I am able to run.  I know there are many who are not able to, and I am very aware of this fact, and super grateful. ( in my case, having lost a child and not being pregnant yet, and hearing other people who do have children complain about things.....I am not saying that it is wrong, it is just hard....my fellow baby-loss moms can identify :)  The race was hard, but I have arms and legs to run )  So I have practiced thankfulness in the midst of my training, and still feeling so full of life.  Air in my lungs, sweat dripping off my body, stinking a stank that I have never smelled on me before!  I am alive!

So I never thought I could do it. But I did.  And if I can do it, ANYONE can do it.  Seriously.  It is all about the training.  And it does take sacrifice.  Early mornings, I knew that I had to run.  I couldn't choose not to run, or I would not have been ready on race day.  You can do it!!

Enjoy a few pictures.......Our time was 2 hours and 14 minutes!!

                        My family came and supported me!!  They were so encouraging!

Our shirts were made by a dear friend Rhonda Holtrop (middle with #2705 on shirt)  and her husband Jason who lost their baby Esther Frances to CDH back in May.  They are raising support to help other families who find themselves in need when going through loss or tragedy's with children! From left to right: Me, Jenny Bajema, Rhonda, Paige Huttula.

                                                      I am so ready!  Lots of adrenaline...

                 Mile 7 at Squalicum Park!!  There was even a band playing.....We're smiling, and we have Jazz hands for some reason!:)  Thanks to Paige and Staci Zenonian (pink shirt) for sticking with me!

                                          Mile 12 ish......still smiling....and almost done!!!!

          My faithful running/training partner and bestest friend Paige Huttula!! Thank you friend..

Come Away My Beloved.....

I have been struck with a few thoughts and prayers from a devotional I kinda stole from my cousin.  Well I gave it back now, but I have had a chance to read some of them at random, and they really express my hearts desire.  I wonder if you can relate as well?

From Come Away My Beloved......."I am the Lord your God.  I know no limitations.  I know no lack.  I need not reserve My stores, for I always have a fresh supply.  You can by no means ever exhaust My infinite resources.  Let your heart run wild.  Let your imagination go vagabond.  No extravagance of the human thought can ever plumb the depths of My planning and provision for My children. 
Rejoice, therefore,  and face each day with joy; for I have planned ahead for you and made all necessary arrangements and reservations.  I am your guide and benefactor.  Put your hand in Mine."

Jesus has recently freed me, and continues to because it really is a daily thing, of some things I was wrestling with.  I felt like it was hard to pray for our family and our desires to have another child.  I wasn't sure if it was wrong to or not?  I mean, if that is not what God has for us, then why would I want to pray for that?  I became discouraged in that, and kind of stopped praying for a child. I am so thankful that I have so many friends and family who have and are standing in the gap and lifting us up, lifting me and my heart up to Jesus.  THANK YOU!  You know who you are..........  I have realized though that that is where the enemy would want me, to not pray for the desires of my heart.  To even twist that, to keep me from going to Jesus.  That is right where I need to be, in Jesus's arms!  As I read this from the Lord, I was so encouraged, because I can't even possibly ASK for what He has planned for us, I have no idea.  My human mind and heart cannot comprehend.  I want what Jesus wants for our life!  I trust Him, and I know He has plans and provision for us.  Sometimes it feels like He does not, or that we have been forgotten, but I know that is not true.  Just because His plan and timing is not my plan and timing, doesn't mean He is not God and is not still working!  He has made all the necessary arrangements for each day for me.  I want to live in the moment of each day, and I know I have said it before, but I don't want to miss what He has for me each day.  But it is a struggle, as my eyes waver from HIM, and I begin to doubt.  Much like Peter walking on water going out to meet Jesus.  He began to sink when He took his eyes off and looked at the waves around Him.  I know Jesus just wants my heart.  My surrendered self all to Himself.  I do not want any idols, or to desire anything but Him.  When I am surrendered to Him, I feel so free!  I desperately want what He wants for my life.  To bring glory to himself and to draw others to HIM!  I know He knows my heart, and so I will continue to pray for the making of our family.  A dear friend told me last week, about when Jesus promised to Mary that she would carry the Savior of the world.  Even with this promise, Mary responded, "May it be as you have said."  The word may means, let it be yes or no, or a promise of a possibility.  As I pray, I want to have the posture of Mary, to ask and believe, but hold it loosely, really as I should everything in my life!  "Lord, whatever you want.  This is my desire, but whatever you want, and whatever timing you have.  Just give me the grace to walk through this!!"  I am thankful that He does give us everything we need to walk the journeys we are on.

I want to not lack anything, I know that is what Jesus does in us through our suffering, through the refining process.  Many times I want to scream, I don't want to be refined!!!  It is hard and it is painful.  But it is good.  God knows us and LOVES us, and knows what the refining process will produce in us. Only the power of the Holy Spirit in us can take away the things in us that we humanly cannot do ourselves.  To make us more Jesus-like, and that is what life is all about.  To reflect Jesus and hopefully draw others to him.  I want to be a true reflection..........

This last prayer from this awesome devo is SO where my heart is today!  I got up this am and ran really fast on my treadmill, for me a 9:00 minute mile:)  and worshiped the Lord as I ran!

"Grant this one prayer more, Lord, that You would give us all that is lacking in us; intensify our hunger and fire our devotion; take the indifference from our spirits; and have within us Your wonderful way and perfect will, O God, we pray; Amen."

"Lord, have within ME your wonderful way and perfect will............Amen, and Amen."

Choices.....

I just got out of a really hot shower, after a 5 mile run with a friend, and a dinner that was thrown together out of what I had in the freezer!! It was strange, but good.:) As I was in the shower, I thought............I need to go write. That hasn't happened in a long time, but there are some things that I have been pondering. This morning as I was reading my devotional, our roommate Kelly came in being carried piggy back by her boyfriend. I thought to myself, oh, young love. With a warmness in my heart. Then it hit me....... would I be so happy for them, if I was not so happily married, or didn't have that for myself? And I realized that I probably would not. I know that is sad to say, but that is where I have been at for awhile now in regards to hearing of the throngs of women who are pregnant and having babies. I have had a hard time being excited for others. There I said it! Not that I am not excited for them and having a baby, but my very next thought is always, "Lord why can't I have that?" It is easy for us to be happy for others and celebrate, when WE have what WE want right? I have felt challenged by the Lord in Romans 12:15, "to rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn." I can do that! It is easy for me to mourn with others who have lost a loved one, because that is a road I have walked. It is SO hard to rejoice, and I realize that I have not been doing a very good job, and I feel the Lord saying, "Monica, you need to rejoice with others. I am not asking you, I am telling you." And I am sorry to all of my sisters who have had babies, and I am sure it has been hard to tell me, and I really have been excited for you! It has just been my own selfishness and has made me recognize what I don't have and to ask why I don't have it! Of course that is where the devil would want me to sit and stay. Discouraged. Feeling like I am missing out. Like God is holding out on me. Like a little kid!!! And I do not want to, and I will not stay in that place. I have always said, it is easy to love the loveable, right? In our own human strength we can love those who are easy to love. But we need Jesus' love through us to love those who are hard to love. We can't do it on our own! And I think I have been trying to just do this on my own too, and to try to "feel" my way into rejoicing? If that makes any sense? But I don't often feel it. And it doesn't work like that! Life is not about feeling! It is a choice, and I need to choose to trust Jesus enough to help me, and just do it. I believe when I choose to rejoice with others, then it is through the rejoicing that He will strengthen me and change my heart!

I have been practicing thanking the Lord. He has blessed us so much, and I have a wonderful full life! I am so grateful for the amazing man God brought me together with. We never had "young love"! haha, because we were a bit older when we got married, but we had "new" love! I am so grateful to God for his timing in bringing us together. I am thankful that he had us "wait" until just the right time, his time. But it was a long time!! Especially for Brian, who was 38 when we wed! But so so worth it. Almost 4 years later, and I love him more and more every single day. I am grateful for the foundation that the Lord has laid in both of our lives, and the foundation that is so strong because of Him, and also what He has brought us through. I am hopeful that we will have a family soon!! I don't know what "soon" means, but I am believing that God is just "waiting" for the perfect time to bring a brother or sister for Esther and a son or daughter for us! I trust Him. He has not failed us! And will not........

What's new?......running shoes!

Well I have been gone awhile.  Literally gone......... not just from the blogging world.  When I have a chance to sit down I will let you know where I've been over the past 2 months.  But for now I am excited to say that I have decided to train for, and run the Bellingham Bay half marathon.  I know, if you know me, you are thinking, what?!  I hate running.  BUT i have decided that I am sick of being sluggish.  I need to exercise. Really exercise, and in order to do that, I need a goal!  Or i will not run.  I was inspired by a book I read called Working it Out, by Abby Rike.  She was a season 8 contestant on the Biggest Loser.  She was overweight and it had been a year since she lost her husband, 6 year old daughter AND her 2 week old baby boy in a car accident.  She felt like she was just existing (well yeah?!)  and she needed to do something different.  So she ended up getting on the Biggest Loser.  Her story is one of great faith and hope even in the middle of such tragic loss.  As she got physically better, she noticed emotional healing on the inside as well.  I don't feel like i have just been existing, however i have felt just kinda blah, and sluggish!  I need a change.  My excuse for exercise has been, well next month i may be pregnant?   But, it has been a year, and that has not happened yet, so I have decided to grab the bull by the horns, so to speak, and RUN!  Quit making excuses, just do it.  Another theme while camping, was "do hard things".  My brother in law was reading a book with that title, and we talked about that a lot.  It was all about where teenagers are at in this generation.  As I have run this week, (so far i can run about 2 out of the 3 miles that is required for the 1st week.) I keep saying to myself, do hard things, you can do this!  I have done hard things, and I know with Jesus I can do this too.  I just have to dig deep and do it.  I have run 3 days, and although it kicks my butt, it feels good at the same time.  Interesting, that with Jesus, hard things in life, are not ALL bad.  There is good and bad at the same time, and I think that is the element that ONLY Jesus brings. We have pain, and yet we have joy too.  We have to work hard and it hurts, and yet it feels good at the same time?  Crazy, but fun.  I am looking forward to it. I am letting you all know so that you can hold me accountable!  I figure you are all my family and friends on here anyway, thanks for your support! 

I leave for Malibu Young Life Camp on Monday, with 90 students and leaders from NWC Young Life!  It will be awesome.  Please pray for us when you think of us!  

When I return I will post some updates and pictures of the past few months.  Stay Tuned!

Mommy Poem for Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is tomorrow.  Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mother's, whether you have children here on earth, or if they are in Heaven.  Last year this time, I was having a rough time. I knew I was a mom, but I didn't feel like a mom.  I was wrestling with all those emotions, and then I got a message from my dear cousin, and at the end she said, "you are a wonderful mother."  And I bawled!  That was the first time I really truly thought of myself as a mom!  And I guess I just think that there could be some mom's out there today, who like me, don't feel like a mom, because their children are not here.  Yesterday, I went to a beautiful memorial service for a friend's baby girl, whose name was also Esther.  It was so glorifying to God and honoring to Esther.  It was their first child, and my friend will be spending her first Mother's Day tomorrow, without her child, and that is so hard........

I found this poem on the blog of a grieving mom. I loved it. This is for all of us mom's who don't have our babies here with us on Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day, you are ALL wonderful mothers!!!

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

Right where I am supposed to be....

Today i feel like my heart wants to burst. It really is hard to describe! Well the sunshine does help, but i have felt for awhile now that I am right where I am supposed to be. That WE are right where we are supposed to be. A few months back, the sun was out, and Brian and I were taking a walk outside. I just had this overwhelming sense, that in spite of everything that our last year held, that day, we were right where God wanted us. It is a strange but peaceful feeling. Not because I had what I wanted, or because anything special or exciting had happened......but that God had us right where HE wanted. This past week, that has been affirmed. I love ministry. I love being able to meet with my young girlfriends. Share life with them, share their joy and their pain, and listen to them and hear where they are at. I LOVE IT! For my job, I get to meet with people to talk about Young Life, and the possibility of them being a leader. As I get to hear their story, I just burst inside! I get to share with them what it means to be a part of the ministry and serve the Lord, and how THEY will be blessed, and encouraged and strengthened in their walk with Christ. AND I AM ENCOURAGED..... AGAIN......and i hear it again, "Monica, this is what I put you on this earth to do!" Not because it is all about me, but because God has gifted me and placed me, right here, right now, at this point in time, for a reason. WE all are. We all have a purpose and a divine design and when we are operating in that place, it is so sweet...........and it is all from God. It is his work that he does through us. Would I be here right now, had we not gone through what we did? Losing our baby?? I don't know. But i know that God is Sovereign and he makes ALL things work together for our good. Yes that is a song, and yes that is a verse. Romans 8:28.........I know that experiencing loss has given me more compassion, sensitivity to where others are at, discernment, and a LOVE that I did not have before. God just meets us! In our deepest pain, GOD SHOWS UP! And HE changes our lives in the process. Does it hurt? Yes....terribly. But God will redeem anything that we bring to him, that we give to him. ANYTHING!!! In John, Jesus talks about remaining in Him, and about pruning in our lives. Branches are cut off, that are not producing fruit, and branches are pruned, so that they can produce more fruit. I want to produce more fruit. I do, desperately. I want more of God and I know that does not come without pain, and challenges. He is using my life experiences. He brought Brian and I together at this place and time for a purpose. Brian was 38 for crying out loud! When i talk to my young friends about waiting for God's best, i tell them our story, and they go, oh man 38!!! I don't want to wait that long...... I get it, i didn't either, and I KNOW Brian didn't want to wait that long....but he did, and I did, because we trusted God and knew that He had something more for us. It is no accident. It is no accident that we lost Esther. God in his loving Sovereignty allowed that to happen, and I know He brought others to himself because of that. That is what it is all about. Not about us. Having said, that I am hopeful for a brother or sister for Esther. Someday...... I don't know when that will be, and whether our family will be natural or from other mothers, but it will be God's perfect timing. And I trust Him. Thank you to all of you who are so faithful in praying for us to have a baby. He really has given me such a peace about His timing, and His plan. I need to do what He has called me to do. Right?? Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.....or something like that. I just trust that He is taking care of us. He always has, even in our darkest place, and he always will. I am so grateful for his blessings. Like I have said before, I appreciate life so much! More than i ever have, and this life does not compare to what life with Christ in Eternity will be. I have such an appreciation for all the people God has brought into my life this past year. Other grieving mothers, I have such a love and so much admiration for them. We have all walked a hard road, one that no one wants to walk, and many cannot imagine, but they have shown courage, just walking it. That is all we can do is walk, we have no choice, but He shows up to walk with us. God works in miraculous and mysterious ways, and I have seen His awesomeness this past year! The leaders I get to walk with and encourage in life and in ministry......what a gift for me!! I feel like I have so many "spiritual kids" because of the time I have spent in Young Life ministry. Ones I have seen come to know him, and even stray away, but years later come back to him!! It is all about planting seeds. Loving people unconditionally. Accepting others where they are at. I was loved on this way growing up.......and I strayed away.......but I came back............My cup is overflowing..... God you are so good.

God Is Able

Sunday at church the youth worship band led us in worship. They were amazing~ I can't believe I have never heard this song before, but God is Able, by Hillsong is powerful! As i have listened to it the past few days, over and over, I feel like it describes my heart! I was reading my bible this morning. Sometimes I feel like even though I am spending time with Jesus, I don't necessarily connect with him. But I love worship. That is my language, and I feel like when I have no words to say, or need to connect to God, I can turn on a specific worship song, and it is as though it speaks my heart, and God is right there with me! This morning as I turned this song on, I just got all choked up at these words......

God is with us, He will go before
He will never leave us, He will never leave us
God is for us, He has open arms
He will never fail us, He will never fail us

This is who God is! It doesn't matter where we are in life, what hardships we are going through, this is the truth. As Beth Moore says, our hardships set up the backdrop for God to show up, and show off! This is the kind of God we have. And life is hard, and painful, but it does not change WHO God is. That He is able, that He beat death! "Lifted up, he defeated the grave, raised to life, our God is able. In his name we overcome!" He has the power to raise us to life! Real life. Eternal life. Our brothers and sisters in Christ, our children, we have lost who have gone before us, we will see again, because He died and rose again!! Death will die forever when Jesus comes back. Isn't that awesome?? And whatever we go through on this earth, God is with us. He will never leave us, he will never fail us. Ahh, such truth my heart needed to sing to God, to tell him that I believe that this morning!!

Ephesians 3:20 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Praise to our God who is able....

you can pause the playlist on the bottom of the page and then listen!