You are My Shepherd

If you have 3 and half minutes, and also are in need of encouragement, please listen to this song. (Pause the playlist on the bottom of the page.)God spoke to me this morning through this song, as I was driving to Bellingham. I have been wrestling with not being pregnant yet. It hasn't been that long, but long enough to be thinking, why am I not? I trust the Lord and his timing and he is so good. But I think even the battle of continually giving it over to the Lord is hard at times. Maybe I am not doing something right, but it's hard. I think even subconsciously it has been bothering me. Because I didn't feel stressed out. So i am wrestling with God and listening to this awesome CD a friend made for me. And I listened to the words of this song, and God gave me a picture. So let me set this up a bit. I keep thinking, well maybe God does not want us to have kids?? And then I can't stand the thought of that, and start to freak out. I think I have been looking at God as a taker, and not a giver. And I know that's not true, but it's part of the wrestling. I've thought, well it happened once, why could it not happen again? Or maybe when you experience a loss, it is just kind of the way your mind goes, all crazy. So I realized this morning that that is how I have viewed God recently. It's weird how fast things change. Because even a few weeks before, I had been feeling good, and encouraged and hopeful and blessed. But the enemy gets in there and wants to get a foothold. I keep saying to the Lord, "Lord, I need peace, from YOU! You are the only one. Help me!" I hate that Satan messes with us! So this morning I am listening to this song, belting at the top of my lungs, and this stuck out to me, "You are my shepherd in the wilderness, whom shall I fear? You are the God who goes before me, my rock and my shield...." and then I saw a picture of God on the road ahead of me, bent down on one knee, holding up a shield and fighting for me, protecting me! And I just got teary eyed. I felt so much love from God and was overwhelmed by that picture! He was ahead of me and fighting and has good things in store. He has proved himself faithful so many times. So many times! What is my problem? I have just been focused on the negative stuff, and it just spiraled me downward. It happens so fast. Rather than continually focusing on Jesus and thanking him for everything, for who He is, and for his love. I love that he continually brings us back. He is so patient and loving and gently brings us back. All we have to do is repent. So I repented. I told him I was sorry for looking at him in that way, that I know that is not who He is. He is a Giver, that is His nature. He is not a Taker. Just because we have lost one child does not mean that we are cursed. Now I know that we don't know what the future holds, but we know WHO holds it. He is in control. God holds the world in the palm of his hand. He knows every detail and has not forgotten us. He has not forgotten you.

Goodbye Olive Garden....Hello Young Life Staff

Only 3 short months after beginning, I worked my last shift at the Olive Garden today. It was weird. I have hardly been there. But the Lord opened a door for Brian and I with Young Life again. It was through sad circumstances, but the Associate Area Director position for North Whatcom County Young Life became available. I wasn't thinking about it, looking for it, or anything. It was almost like God blinded my eyes to it, until the right time. Maybe I would have overanalyzed it, or thought too much? haha Anyway, I had thought of plenty of other people who would be great in that position, but never once me. I was happy where I was, part-time Olive Garden, and volunteering with Young Life. So about a month ago, I was driving to meet my AD, and it wasn't until I was about a half a mile away from Ferndale Woods, that it hit me! Now I don't know if God slapped me up side the head, or just spoke to my heart, but it was as if Jesus said, "He is going to ask if you would consider staff again." and it didn't scare me, I didn't really think anything. Just.....ok. So the short version is that he did ask me, I asked what the job would entail, how it would look with kids, because we desire to have a family, etc. I started to get excited about the job. It is a perfect fit for me. Leading leaders. Loving on and encouraging them as leaders, and leading their own teams. I feel so blessed and loved on by the Lord. He knows me, He created me, and moved in my and Brian's heart to accept this position. Brian knew before I even got home. We talked and prayed. We just trust the Lord and what He has in store for us. It was not what I thought I would have wanted. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, and should have an 8 month old baby girl at home right now. But life does not always go as we plan. I have learned that we can't plan our lives on the "what if's". We don't know what is up ahead. We have to be obedient to where God is asking us to go now, and leave the details up to Him. And we felt clearly led to this and are excited. We are excited about raising our family in Young Life, if the Lord would allow. I am not going to lie though it is a struggle at times to leave the details to Him. We have a deep desire to have children, but we don't know what God's plan is, or his timing, which I KNOW is perfect, but it's hard to not let doubt creep in.. As I was thinking about where we are at right now, I read Jesus Calling yesterday which said, "TRUST ME WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING!" I needed to hear that! I just have to trust God with everything that I have. And I am a mess many days, but I just continue to turn my eyes toward him. We want God to use us however he wants, because I know He has the best in store for us, whatever it is.

I am sad to leave Olive Garden though. My intention was to be there part-time for a long time, but God had other plans. I am thankful for all the relationships that he gave me at the OG. And we are still friends even though I don't work there. So this picture is my brother and sister and me on my last day! They have both been working there for 11 years, and will probably be there for many more.

So much to say, but for now.....

I wanted to update our look on the blog. Nothing fancy, but just wanted a new look, for a new year. I love stars. Am obsessed with them actually, but I think it's ok. I see them EVERYWHERE! Esther is our little star and forever will be, and anything I see that has a star on it, i LOVE! So i wanted stars on our blog. Also we got family pictures taken at church and wanted to post that too. I feel like Brian and I don't take a ton of pictures so I was excited to have this one. I have so much going on in my brain right now. If you wonder where I've been, I have been kind of in my mind lately, so if you think of me, please pray! You know what that means, I end up trying to figure things out................and we all know how that goes! Not well. It has been a hard past few months. A lot has changed. I got a new job! I will write more later, I am ready for bed. :)

That's my BZ. Oh how I love him!

November 11

I know it is a day early, but I thought i would journal a little bit about what is on my heart today...about tomorrow. I stopped by Esther's grave today. A beautiful sunny day. I just wanted to say that I loved her and was sooooo thankful for her life. I was hanging out with my friend this morning and she told me that she remembered tomorrow. And she said how much I had grown in the last year. If you don't know what tomorrow is that's ok! It was the day of our 20 week appointment where we found out that Esther would probably not make it into this earthly world. I have a mix of emotions. So thankful for all God has done in our lives this past year, and in my life personally. Her gravestone says what the top page of this blog says, There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world. That is so true, but even truer now than a year ago, you know? When time goes by, you realize the impact that a life has on the world. On my world. I thought about all the people that her life impacted, but realized, standing there this morning, that probably the biggest life she impacted was mine! I am a different person today. I know that she changed me, I knew that back then, but today I can see how different I am. I love God more. I love people more. I trust God more. I love life more. I appreciate little things. I realize what is important in life, and things that really don't matter at all. And I see God in every situation, good and bad. HE IS EVERYWHERE. Nothing takes him by surprise or catches him off guard, even though often times we are. He does not forget things, or forget about us. He is involved in every detail. Crappy things happen, but He is there. He promises He will be there. God does not lie. Do I believe that He is there? Yes, yes, yes. More now than ever before. I have so many thoughts about so many things. I went to a Jeremy Camp concert Sunday night, and it was absolutely incredible. So worshipful, and so real. He is completely spirit led as he sings and shares about his life. It was so awesome to hear! He lost his wife 10 years ago to cancer. He said that he had wanted to write a book, but it just wasn't time. Wasn't time. Wasn't time. I thought, that is me! So much of my story is still being written in my life. Through our loss of Esther, and as God is working things out in my life. I want to write a book. I have a title and everything. But it's just not time yet. I don't know when it will be, but I am excited that some day I will get our whole story out on paper even if only for myself. Jeremy did just write his book, and I bought it and i am excited to read it. He has so much depth to him, that I know came through walking the tough journey that he did. It changed who he was. And God is using him and his story to draw others to Himself. That's what God uses everything for! So He can be glorified. I know that I have more depth to me than I did before and I am so thankful for that. God wastes nothing. Not one single thing we go through does he waste. He is God and he uses everything. I have said this a lot the past few days with other things going on around me......"what satan means for evil, God can use for good." You can try Satan, but you don't win! You will never win! He can try to harm us here but when our hearts belong to Jesus, he will never win. God wins. God redeems, and in a totally supernatural way beyond our comprehension, can make bad things good. I love that about HIM! That is one of the most amazing things about God. Our minds cant comprehend HIM! And I am so glad.......he is too big.....there are no words......

So I am pondering my daughter today, what her life means and will continue to mean as we live out our lives here on earth, however long that may be. I cherish each day, and am grateful for a new perspective. To not live in the future, but to live in today. What does God have for me today?? There is so much contentment in that. So much excitement. When we think too far ahead, there is fear, questions, wonder. How do we know what even tomorrow will bring? I want to live today the best way I can, and ask God to illuminate the path for me.

Gifts

I love God. I love him more and more every day. I sit in my house and am so thankful to have a house. To have a wood burning fireplace as the wind blows and the rain comes down. I appreciate our house so much. All the love, blood, sweat and tears (literally) that were put into the building of this house. It is a gift! And I thank the Lord everyday. Thinking about gifts..........I read the post of a friend who just lost her 4th baby in the womb. I was SO encouraged by her post. If you want to read it go to http://aaronandapril.blogspot.com. She was so encouraging just one short week after her loss. But she said from day one, that Elliot was a gift from the Lord. That is really the way I feel about Esther. She was a gift to us! Even though we didn't get to have her here with us, she is ours and we will see her again. She is ours, she is with Jesus and we know Jesus, so we will see her again! She was a gift....every baby conceived is a gift. We don't know how long they will be with us. And it is not as if they are not a gift just because they didn't take a breath on this earth. Or that they were not created for a purpose. EVERY baby conceived is for a purpose. And as I read April's post I was just overwhelmed with that. That she has 4 babies in heaven waiting for her, each one had a purpose for being created! God does not make mistakes! Oh what grief and sadness as she doesn't get to love them and raise them here, but the joy of knowing where they are and that all of us mom's who have lost our precious children, will rejoice with them one day! As we experience the grief though, it is hard to think of the gift that came, and then was gone, which caused the grief and pain. But God's ways are not our ways.......His thoughts are not our thoughts. We don't know why he allows the things he does, but we know he LOVES us and has GOOD plans for us. They may not be what I think are good plans, (most of the time are not:)) but i TRUST him and that is that. So I thank Him for his blessings, ALL of them. Esther and that we had her. I have pictures on my wall, and a scrapbook of her short life. We talk about her often and we thank God for her! Jesus Calling said it today ----------October 21 "The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Remember that all good things ------your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time -----are gifts from ME. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!"

Love to pray

After my Grammie died, I found one of her devotionals called Love to Pray, by Alvin VanderGriend. I really have wanted a deeper prayer life, for a long time, but just wasn't sure how to get there. Anyone know what I'm saying? As with many other things of hers, I cherish, absolutely treasure anything of hers that she wrote in. I love her handwriting. It is so beautiful. She wrote notes, and scriptures all over this devotional. My Grammie LOVED the scriptures. She was so faith-filled and trusted in Jesus. And clung to His Word.

Anyway, i opened it up last week and started from day one. Friendship with God. I am just taking it day by day, and really trying to soak up what Alvin shares about prayer. Day 2, says that prayer starts with God. This has been such a good reminder for me about what prayer really is. He shares "For years I believed that my prayers started with me. I had to think them up. I had to get God's attention. Not surprisingly, with this frame of mind, prayer was often a chore." Oh man! I have been there. And so many people that I know, i think struggle for this same reason. So he goes on to say, "I learned that I was wrong. Prayer doesn't start with us. Prayer starts with God. That's the radical idea that changed my prayer life. God is the initiator. He moves us to pray. He gives us prayer ideas. He holds out the promises we claim in prayer. When we pray, we are God's instruments." Wow! We are God's instruments. I know this stuff, but i don't think i really know it. It really is beginning to transform even these past few days! And for me, in order to do this, I have to be quiet........................so I can hear from God. What he wants me to pray. What he lays on my heart. How he moves me to pray. As i let him initiate. Isn't this incredible? So my prayer is, "Lord help me to know what you want me to pray." Prayer is powerful. In Exodus, Joshua and the army went out to fight the Amelakites, and Moses went up on a hillside to pray. I love that! When his hands were in the air, they were winning, when they were down, the enemy was winning. What an awesome example of what God does when we pray! When we lift up praying hands, the powers of darkness are pushed back. I have felt this in my own life, in my own battle. I think of the times especially in this past year, that I have literally felt the prayers of God's people for us. As God was accomplishing his purposes. The day we went in to the hospital to give birth Esther, December 20th. A day that I don't think I could have made it through without the prayers of so many of you. In the months after that, as we tried to move forward. Being at a place in life that I wasn't prepared for. Death, and then more death. March 25th, losing my Grammie, and then 2 days later losing my step aunt Cheryl. God!? What is going on? How do we go on and get through stuff like that? God was holding us up, as the prayers of his people continued. And then this past month as I was able to share about our story for the first time, at Women's Weekend up at Malibu Young Life Camp. I was prepared, and yet not, which I guess is good. I was as ready as I was going to be, but then I got there and was so overwhelmed. Not just from the story I was going to share, in the context of "Handling Life's Disappointments," but from the disappointments represented in the room by each woman who was there. I felt insecure, I felt burdened. Who am I to share about disappointment? I don't know what these women have been through. Those burdens are not mine to carry, they are God's. I knew the enemy was attacking me and oh did I feel it. I felt the battle. And yet, as I was battling, I know i had people praying for me. A few specific people back home who I had asked to be my warriors, and my team who was up at camp. I felt more nerves than usual as I was getting ready for the seminar, and yet when I began to speak, a calm came over me and I knew Jesus was there with me. By the next day, before the 2nd seminar, I was so tired. My head was aching and my body and mind were just exhausted. I thought, how can I do this again? I was in the battle. I just said, Jesus you are my strength, I am going and doing this and I need you to show up! And he did. Of course he did, because he always does. I do have a story about disappointment, the greatest in my life, and the cool part is, we all do, but GOD IS THE VICTOR, if we believe in Jesus Christ and have given our lives to him! That is the amazing part of each of our story's. In the account in Exodus, Joshua overcame the Amalekite army, and in our lives, we overcome the enemy as we lift up our hands to the throne of the Lord. I am so grateful for this. This encourages me to pray. To love to pray. To want to pray more, and to get quiet and hear what God is saying. That's where the power is, and that is where things in life will change. When we pray, God works. He doesn't need us, but he "chooses to move in response to prayer." This is what I read today in Love to Pray, and am praying that God reveals more of himself to me as I seek to know him more. I know he wants us to know him more, and that he will answer that prayer. I am excited to see what he has to share with me.

Job!

Hello! Wow i just realized that it has been over 2 months since I wrote last. Oh my.....i can't really catch up but i will just start from here. So much has happened this summer, it has been busy and wonderful and exhausting all at the same time. But most recently I just got a job! I realized recently that I needed to do something. That it was time for a job. Just part- time. So through some searching and talking and praying, the Lord opened the door for me to go back and work at the Olive Garden! I worked there a little over 6 years ago, for 5 years. I love the Olive Garden for one, and it is a great place to work. I can work part-time, or whenever really. It is flexible and i can make great money. I am excited to be in the world again too. Loving on my co team members, and hopefully bringing some encouragement and "positive energy" as people call it. And it is so fun that my bro and sis work there too, so it is a family affair. And no my family doesn't own stock...........although we should. haha. So i have been training the past 3 days. I LOVE LOVE food. If you know me, then that is not a surprise. And my fellow trainees have been laughing at me at how excited I get about food and wine. But really the right pairing makes a HUGE difference in the taste of your meal! I am so serious. So anyway i am looking forward to be in the working world. God is good. I am looking forward to whatever he has in store! I start serving on my own next weekend so feel free to come in and see me at the "OG"!