Sneak peak newborn pics

Hey everyone!  Again, to say we are thankful and overwhelmed and blessed beyond what words can describe, well, I am at a loss for words.  To come home from Georgia after a week, and be lavished on in ways I can't describe, is beyond amazing.  God is AMAZING.  Abby is amazing.  She is the most beautiful little person I have ever laid eyes on.  Her first pediatrician/2 week appointment (at 3 weeks actually because we were not home yet from Georgia at 2 weeks) was on Thursday and she did great!  Weighs in at a wopping 8 lbs and 2.5 oz.  Baby girl loves to eat and is growing and super healthy!

My darling cousin Teressa offered to come take pictures first thing when we got back, and was available this past Monday.  Little peanut was exhausted but she did great!  Here are a few pictures taken by my cousin Teressa King.  She is an incredible and creative photographer.  I think you will capture Abby's personality even at 3 weeks old:)  

Love to you all!!

 This is my parents piano.  Loved the idea of photographing her on it! 

 yep she smiles in her sleep a lot!  And look at those dimples!?!  I crocheted the edges on this blanket.  My Grammie taught me how to do that.  Very special:)

 Contemplation....

 Must have a picture in a tutu:)

 My most favorite pic

 This pic makes her look rolly, but she's very lean actually.

 LOVE HER TOES!

 Again the toes:)  This blanket in the last two pictures was my Grammie's, who passed away March 25, 2010, shortly after our sweet Esther.  Loved the blanket, the vintage look, and what it means with our new baby girl on it!!!

She is amazing!

I am overwhelmed, and get choked up trying to process all this and the fact that we are PARENTS to this beautiful baby girl. Her name is Abigail Kaylee Joy Zylstra!! Abby is so precious to us and we are in awe. Still doesn't seem real. My thoughts are all jumbled, and i am running on zero sleep, and am super emotional right now. And not because she was up all night but because I was listening to her all night, make those sweet baby noises, and just could not sleep! So I am going to sign off for now. Thanks so much for your support, love and prayers! Man we feel them, and need them. So enjoy our first family photo with the three of us!!

It's a GIRL!!!

Wow, we have had an incredible miracle happen in this past whirlwind of a week!  I am overwhelmed and exhausted at the rollercoaster of emotions we experienced in such a short amount of time!  I am so grateful it all happened so fast.  God is so faithful, and a VERY present help in our time of need!  We knew He was in every detail that happened this past week.  To say to God that we are thankful, and grateful and blessed doesn't feel like enough!!

I will fill in more of the story later, but for now I wanted to let you know that God has given us an incredible gift of a baby girl, born March 1, 2014.  6 pounds 11 oz. and 20 inches long.  We are leaving at 11:15 pm tonight to fly to Georgia and pick her up!!!  We are elated!  Best.Gift.Ever.

Interesting story though:  Got a call last Wednesday that we had been picked by a birthmom, due with a baby boy at end of March!  We were so excited, I went out on Saturday and bought a few boy clothes.  The case worker had told us that birthmom wanted a conference call with us, and we were trying to plan that for the following week.  She had not responded to my email about a good time to talk, but Monday I received a call from birthmom's case worker, that he had actually been born on Saturday! March 8!  But only hours after that exciting phone call, I received another phone call from the director of the agency, who told me that birthmom changed her mind, she wanted to keep the baby!  BUT an interesting thing had happened, ANOTHER birthmom had also picked us as well, who gave birth to a baby girl on March 1!! And as far as she knew, we were taking her baby girl.  She did not pick a 2nd or 3rd choice, she wanted us.  They had been trying to get a hold of her to tell her that we had already been chosen, and that she needed her second choice (which she did not have).  Our agency had not gotten a hold of her to tell her that we had already been picked (by baby boys birthmom), so as far as she knew, we were adopting her baby!!   Loooooooooong confusing story, but this baby girl was free as of last night at midnight Eastern time for us to come and pick up.  I got a text from baby girls case worker at 9 pm our time, that time was up, and we could book our tickets to Georgia!!!  

We do not know how long we have to stay in Georgia, so we bought one way tickets.  We have had friends and family rally and help us get just what we need to take to Georgia to pick her up!  I can't wait for you all to see her, she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I will post a family picture sometime next week!

Love you all and thanks for your prayers and support!!!!!  You have prayed us through this and God has done an incredible miracle in our lives and in the lives of so many others through our story!

HE IS GOOD! Blessings!

Off to Georgia~ Mo & BZ

Now, we wait!

We are so excited!  It has happened quickly, but thanks to our Adoption Social Worker and her speediness, as well as fingerprint results coming back quickly, we are in the adoption pool!!  As we speak, our life books are being sent out and are being shown to birthmoms.  It is a surreal feeling.  We wait.  There is nothing else left for us to do.  The past 3 months were spent with us "doing".  Filling out paperwork, getting checked out, making sure we are physically capable of taking care of and raising a child.  Making sure we don't have a record or any sort, etc.  And now that is all done, and so we wait.  The cool, and scary part is that we could wait 2 days, or 200 days!  And scary on both accounts!  God knows, and we trust in the sovereignty of His plan and His timing.  I think all the time to myself and let HIM know, "God I want what YOU want. I want what YOU want."  I declare that to Him often.  When I waver, and my faith feels weak, I tell Him that again, and we will wait.  I was thinking the other day that I want to be very purposeful in our waiting.  I thought of crossing off the days that go by.  Not so that they will drag on, but to really offer them up to the Lord to use us in these days.  That we would do everything he has for us!  We know that life is going to change when children come into the picture. In a good way!!  But I want to be purposeful in my time!!  I love this song.  I think I posted it a few years back in our waiting season, of desiring to be pregnant, and it not happening.  I want to serve and worship the Lord in the waiting period.  If you have a few minutes listen to it!



We also wanted to provide an opportunity for anyone who would want to join us and be a part of what God is doing in growing our family!  The reality is that I am human, and I don't want to ask for help!  My pride wants to do this on our own.  But I have felt God nudging me, to let people know of our need.  Because the reality also is that it is expensive to adopt a child.  So I in no way want to take away the blessing from someone, if God is moving you, to join with us in this miracle!!  So there you have it.  We would be so honored and blessed if you would want to give to our little growing family!

Here is a Paypal link for those of you who would like to help!! It is a fast, safe and secure way to give. Thank you so much for your generosity and prayers! We covet every prayer lifted up on our behalf!

Thank you for walking this journey with us!  We love you all.

Adoption Update, and more!

Hey there!  So from the last time I posted, a lot has gone on!  I wanted to write as we went through this process, but it truly has gone fast!  I was meeting with a friend a few weeks ago, and she said, "you are writing all this down aren't you?" And i thought, yes, but then realized "no!" I hadn't because time goes by, and we are busy, and I have not taken the time, so tonight I am!

Really cool, "fingerprints of God" as we call them have happened throughout this process.  Currently, we are done with our home study, and are about to send it off to the agency!  We had to put together a life book as well, which is a photo book of pictures telling the potential birth mom  a bit of who we are.    I had only started putting this together, when I got a call from my cousin who lives in Seattle.  My parents had been at my uncles birthday party the weekend before, and told them that we were adopting.  Three days later my cousin got in touch with us, because a friend of hers had a daughter who was pregnant and going to give her baby up for adoption.  She told this birthmom about us and she wanted to see our profile.  What profile I thought?!  So I made a call to our attorney, our social worker, and started working feverishly on my lifebook!  (This was totally unrelated to the agency we are going through in Georgia.)  I got it done in a few days, sent it to a few people for their opinions, and after receiving positive feedback, I emailed the book off to the birthmom!  We weren't really sure about the whole thing, she had just recently decided to give her baby up for adoption, and didn't have any counseling to my knowledge. There were a lot of red flags, and many unknowns, but we felt we needed to push on this, perhaps open door.   Because I had hurried to get our life book done, I sent it off to our agency and asked if I needed to change anything.  The gal at the agency said it looked great and didn't need any changes!  I was so stoked, and sent it off to print and ordered my 25 copies to send to the agency.  So even though we found out last week, that this particular birth mom chose her brother and sister-in-law to adopt her baby, we had total peace in that!  God used that to expedite our home study and for me to finish up my life book!  So here we are and are just about finished with everything!!  And then we will wait.............

Here is the front cover of our life book!

We have had so many people praying for us.  I am thankful for God and his perfect timing.  I can almost see it!  I have felt like it is going to happen really soon, I'm not sure why?  Others have told me the same as they have prayed for us.  The home study process has been incredible as well.  I am so thankful and it was really neat reading through our home study, and that we really are ready to adopt.  We have been through so much, and reading our story, through the eyes of our adoption social worker, has been incredible to me.  So affirming, and we know without a doubt that this is where God has us, and is preparing a child to come into OUR family.  People have said that the adoption journey is so incredible, but until now, I have not known what they meant.  We have seen God move in us, and prepare our hearts.  We have taken online adoption classes that have shed so much light on bringing a child into our home and family!  So much I never knew.  We have seen God prepare us for this time, with my work with Young Life, and hanging out with kids for over 10 years.  Seeing the pain, and wanting to not only love them, but be a consistent presence in their lives.  Letting them know that they are important and valued, and that God has a purpose for their lives!  It really is the exact hope I have for whoever God brings into our family. That whoever God gives us the privilege to raise, would know this truth!  I know we have so much to learn, and it is going to be hard, but we are ready to give our lives away to a child(ren).  It is a little intimidating and scary, but we are open to adopting twins.  Being a twin myself, I never thought I wanted twins.  But throughout this process, our desire has been to be able to give a child(ren) a chance and taking in kids who need a good home!  This could be an opportunity to keep twins together in the same home, and THAT is something I am passionate about.  It breaks my heart to think that twins would ever be separated, because there is not a home for them!  So with that, we pray and wait and see what God has in store!  ( My mom and many others are praying for twins apparently:))

Life has been really good.  Busy...... Brian is building our new shop house, and I am working, as well as we are preparing to adopt!  We are seeing God as he walks with us and unfolds his plan, whatever that is and whatever the timing is.  It is so good.  My faith is being stretched.  I am praying more, digging into the Bible more, really desiring all God has for me.  I think sometimes I am fearful of what He may call me too, so I back off, and don't even ask him what he wants!!  I am committing to being in the Word, and falling more in love with Him!

At the end of December we lost Brian's awesome dad Henry.  He had suffered for 18 years with a blood disease that caused him pain and fatigue.  He just never felt good. He was ready to go, he was so tired.  We just never knew how or when it would happen.  The day after Christmas, he and Brian's mom Julia were headed to an appointment when Henry doubled over in pain.  They headed to the ER to figure out what was going on, and ultimately we knew this was the end. He had an enlarged spleen which was wreaking havoc on his body.  He just couldn't handle it anymore.  We were so grateful that the Lord took him quickly.  On December 28, 2013 he went home to be with Jesus.  We got to be there with him, and had some special moments together.  It still doesn't seem real, that he is gone.  I think it is because of the grace of Jesus that we make it through.  There are days Brian looks at the program from his dads service and says, "I can't believe my dad is gone."  We are grateful that he is not suffering anymore.  We were able to have a great time with the family when they all came back up. Celebrated Henry's life and how cherished and loved he was.  My sis in law Marianne had brought out the old slides from back in the day when Brian and his siblings were kids living on the farm.  We watched slide show after slide show!  It was so fun to watch those together Christmas night and remember and reminisce.  Henry was genuinely smiling and loving every minute of it.  Only the Lord could have known that three days later he would be gone.

At the end of January, we were able to go on a family vacation.  It was an awesome time away.  We went on a cruise to the Caribbean.  It was restful and we came back refreshed! 

God affirmed us about our adoption again on the cruise.  That he is WITH us and is so present in all of this.  We were laying by the pool the last day. Brian noticed a little African American boy by the pool with his Caucasion parents.  He commented and motioned for me to look and said, "hey that is going to be us someday."  I smiled and headed to get the rest of my stuff from the upper deck and when I got back, Brian was talking to the mom.  Turns out that they adopted their 3 year old son as a newborn, FROM THE SAME AGENCY IN GEORGIA THAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH!   We began sharing stories, I told her about losing Esther and how we got to where we are now.  I asked her how long it was from the start of their process to when their son was born.  She said that they started in February, and he was born on December 20th.  When she started saying December, I just knew that it was going to be the 20th.  As we calculated the date and his age, it turns out that he was born on the exact day that Esther went to Heaven, in 2010.  I was so floored!  3 years old, born on December 20, 2010.  What are the chances??  Well I know it is not a coincidence.  I know that God was affirming us and letting us know he was there with us and we were on the right track!  He is so good!

So we are excited.  Life has a way of bringing joy and pain.  Simultaneously.  Losing Brian's dad was hard, so painful, so many tears.  And yet another opportunity that God used to bring us closer to each other, and closer to Him.  An outpouring of love and support came from so many people as we walked through this hard time.  And we are being drawn to Him in the excitement of preparing to adopt a child(ren)!!!   We trust Him, we seek Him, and we wait on Him!!!

Celebrating Esther's life

It was 3 years ago today that we experienced the most painful day.....ever.  Losing our little girl.  It was a time that really made me think about life, and the value and preciousness of it.  One little life.  Whether it ends in utero, or at 90 years old, ALL life matters, and was made for a purpose.  Esther was created by God for a specific purpose.  I need to remember and know that.  Most days I know that, but some days I need to remember that. 

I think I just needed to ponder this for myself, to know that Esther was here.  That she was not just a figment of my imagination.  For those mommas who have lost little ones before actually giving birth, it is hard, you want so badly for their life to matter, for people to remember!  As most people continue on with life, those hard days fade away, and can be forgotten.  But not for us.  There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of her, remember her and love her.  I don't cry, hardly ever, but I did today.  I need that.  Most people get to celebrate their children with a cake, and gifts.  I want to celebrate Esther even though she is not here.  She changed who I am.  God used her in my life and so many others, and that is such a gift.  To me.  To know that she mattered and made a difference by being on this earth even if she never walked it......

And so i feel sad, to not have her here........and YET, I am so thankful she is with Jesus.  She is not in pain. She is in the best possible place she could be, other than with us. :)  Because of her life, I have experienced Jesus in ways I never would have.  In this Christmas season, I am struck again by Emmanuel, God with us. We sang this song recently, and it hit me in a new way.....

Emmanuel, Emmanuel
His name is called, Emmanuel
God is with us, revealed in us.

And I paused during the song..........When we go through painful trials, God shows up!  He is with us and he walks us through unimaginable times.  I was talking to a friend yesterday who lost her husband recently, and we both said, its the grace of God.......no other explanation for how we make it through unimaginable pain.  we get to the other side, and can't explain how we got there.....God's grace.  But then the next line hit me in a new way.......revealed in us.......He reveals himself in us.  Look at the first definition of revealed that I found when I googled it........ 

revealed - make (previously unknown or secret information) known to others.

isn't that awesome!?

God wants to make himself known to others, through us!!  And that is what life is all about.  He is with us always, in the good and bad, and he wants to reveal himself to others through us.  Because what happens???  As I experience God, and his with-ness, I want to tell everybody the secret!!!  He will be with you too!  Put your trust in him.  He will not fail you!  He will never let you down!  All you have to do is trust him!!!  In the best of times, AND in the worst of times. God came down to earth in a bod, Jesus Christ, he was with us, because he wanted to be with us forever!!!  He wants us to know Him from now, into eternity!

And so when unimaginable painful things happen, and they do, we tend to ask, God where are you??  Did you forget about me?  How could this happen??  And there are days I ask those questions......but Jesus continually brings me back to, "Oh Monica, yes I am here!  I am WITH you, remember how I was WITH you on that day, December 20th, 2010?  You felt my presence, you experienced my personal comfort.  You knew that I was with you.  Don't forget!  But I know you will, and so I reveal myself to you again, because I love you."  In this beautiful dusting of fresh white snow!  Oh, the peace and the calm he shows me today.........."See dear Monica, this is for you!"  (You may think it's for you today, but it's for me.  hehe  :) oh wait, it can be for ALL of us!)

As I ponder today, I am reminded of a time of prayer I had with a woman shortly after Esther's death.  As she prayed for me, she said that Esther could see the making of her brothers and sisters.  I have remembered this over the years as we have struggled to get pregnant again, and I wonder if she ever will have siblings.  I fear, and I wonder if this is true.  God has walked us on a journey for the past 5 years as we have talked about adoption and timing, as both Brian and I have had a heart to adopt, and for all kids, any age.  Do we adopt now before we try to have biological kids, do we wait and have bio kids first??  Oh the questions, and no clear answers for many years.  Get pregnant, lose Esther, grieve.  Meet with different people, explore our options, not clear timing.  One answer is a no.  One answer seems to be a not yet.  And so we wait.  I trust in the Lord and his wonderful plan for our life.  Matthew 6:33 - "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."  We continue to serve the Lord and do what he has called us to do.  And whatever "all these things" are, we will wait. 

Through this process, I have prayed for open doors.  That God would show us what he wants, when he wants in his PERFECT timing.  Oh that is so so hard!  I want what I want, now.  And there are days I want a child to hold and love so badly, I ache.......But I am grateful for God's process and his timing, because now, I don't need a baby.  I don't need a child to make me happy.  God is enough.  He has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams with an amazing husband, and family and life and job with Young Life!  I would LOVE a child to raise, and well LOVE the socks off of.  God brought Brian and I to a place of unity recently, and so....

the adoption process has begun!!! 

We feel adoption just fits who we are.  I already feel like we have a ton of spiritual children!!  We would love your prayers as we grind through paperwork and home study, oh yeah, and we are building a new house as well!!  We are so excited!  We are adopting domestically, through an agency some friends went through in Georgia.  It was a great experience, and now I not only am looking forward to adopting a baby, but am looking forward to how God will reveal himself in and through us, throughout this process!  To see how God would use us in the life of the birthparents, if he so desires, and that God would be glorified and made known!!! 

So we celebrate the life of our sweet Esther today, and in this season, and we are excited for the next season as we look forward to meeting Esther's sibling(s) in God's completely PERFECT timing.

Merry Christmas!  Mo and BZ

It is weird to come back and post after almost a year!  But nevertheless I have had some things on my heart and got the feeling that it was time to write.  It's not that I haven't had other things on my heart over the past year, haha.  But when i get this urge, i believe i need to write because there is someone out there who may be sharing in my struggles, so here we go! 

I just got done reading a book called Kisses from Katie.  I picked it up at the airport a few weeks ago because I had forgotten to take a book with me on our quick girls trip to Vegas to see Celine Dion.  Amazing show, but that is another story.  (Funny too, because in this book, Katie references Celine. lol)  I didn't even read it a ton while there, but since I have gotten back, I have read it just chunks at a time.  And it wasn't until I closed the book, that I realized how much it had impacted me, and a GLARING point that hit me soon after.  I have been bitter toward God, and unthankful.  There I said it.  I didn't realize this until I read the Afterword of this book, and she shared her perspective on a very gutwrenching situation that she had gone through.  I read the whole book, but i feel like it was the Afterword that God wanted me to see. To point out the attitude of my heart that I have been fighting and telling myself its okay that I feel the way I do.  Or pretending that I don't in fact feel the way....... that I really do feel. 

The real life story of Katie is that she is a 22 year old girl from Tennessee who moved to Uganda because she felt a call on her life from God.  People didn't understand it, but she went right out of high school.  She lives there, trusts God with everything, has adopted 14 girls, and goes wherever God tells her to go, and to help whoever he brings into her path.  So inspiring!!  I want to live like that.  And yet I don't.  I think I have gotten so focused on what i don't have (children), and my view has gotten VERY narrow! She has courage in Jesus, and knows that He will meet her every need.  How else could you adopt 14 children, take in anyone who is sick, and feed and school hundreds of other children in the villages around her!?  This is so familiar to me, because of my experience with Starfish Ministries and the amazing work that Bernie and Sheryl Bovenkamp and their team in Haiti do for the people of Haiti!!  God just meets their needs!  I have seen this kind of poverty in Haiti, that Katie talks about in Uganda.  So overwhelming, and yet God just tells her to take care of the ones he places in front of her!  What an amazing way to look at life.  To not get overwhelmed by the need, but to do what is in front of us.  To help those that God brings in our lives.  Who are our neighbors?  our friends? Our co-workers?  We can do the same thing here too!  So besides wanting to adopt a dozen kids from Africa after reading this book, I needed to ask God for forgiveness for my bitter heart. I have felt stuck, and stagnant and I think that my bitterness is why I have felt that way.  How can bitterness and love thrive in the same place?  Bitterness is like a weed, weeds take over!! 

One of the girls Katie adopted was a little girl named Jane.  She had been brought to Katie, and she needed help.  They nursed her back to health, and after looking for her bio-mom and not finding her, moved forward to adopt her.  Well, a year later, the mom showed up on Katie's doorstep and wanted Jane back.  She fought for her, but legally there was nothing she could do.  Jane went back to live with her mom.   Katie was so heartbroken, having loved this child as her own for a year, and then having to give her back.  I know a similar pain!  But her response was incredible as she reflected on the hardest thing she had ever had to do up until that point in her life.  She says, 'For a brief moment I wonder how God can be good when babies starve and people die cold and alone and children are ripped from their mothers.  But only for a moment.  Because then i look around and I know that I am nothing without Him.  That none of this, none of this life I have, would exist without Him. "Surely just as I have intended so it has happened and just as I have planned so it will stand," He says in Isaiah 14:24.  My good God gives only good things; He planned this and He will use this.  In Him, even sorrow is Joy.'  That hit me.  Even in her deep pain, and not understanding of why Jane was taken away, she trusted God.  And was so quickly able to say, that we would have NONE of this life without Christ!  Oh that is so beautiful.  So what I needed to hear.  Who do I think I am??? And who am i living for?  Myself, or Jesus? She mentioned in a prayer over a dear friend who was dying, that God had not forgotten her, and that she would be with him soon, and then I realized..... I do feel forgotten.  I never realized that i felt that way before.  I know it is not true, but it made me almost cry today as I was telling my running partners that.  When it appears that EVERYONE else around me is getting pregnant and having babies, that is an easy LIE to believe, and it also appears that I have believed it.  I know that is not true, as I know people who are struggling just as we are.  But I have let the enemy take that and narrow my focus to only be looking at myself and what I DON'T have, rather than on Jesus and His plan, and not only what I DO have, but on what He has for us to do in this life.  I have to remind myself of the truth.  I know He has good plans for us.  I know he is good, and loves us, and I am His favorite!  That was another thing Katie talked about, knowing in her spirit that she is one of God's favorites.  And in my spirit i thought to myself, I don't really feel like one of his favorites........

So there are my raw true feelings, and that is where I need to stop.  I took a Freedom in Christ class earlier this year.  And the truth is I have not been living Free.  I have been focused on my feelings, (which are not THE truth) instead of on Jesus and what He says is true.  Man it is a battle!  I think I just got tired of fighting.  Tired of not knowing how to pray, or what to pray for.  Maybe I shouldn't pray for a child?  Maybe that is not what God wants?  So then why ask for it?  Then I think I just stopped praying and in turn stopped believing??  I didn't stop believing in Jesus, but I think i stopped asking, and there for it jaded my hope in Jesus.  Weird as that sounds, I thought why pray???  Oh that is a scary and slippery slope, where the enemy wants me to be, and I am sick of being there.  I want to pray for anything and believe in the power of Jesus, to answer whatever it is!!  And know that He has the power to do it.  I know he does, but I was in a fog.  I am praying that fog has lifted!  I want to focus on being grateful!  And thanking Him for every little thing.  I am nothing without Him!  I trust Him and I love Him so much, I am sorry I have wasted so much time being in a bitter pit!  God has brought Romans 12:1-2 back into my life as I have prayed for my high school girls this year.  I realize that the Lord wants to use that verse in my life too this year, as I trust Him to renew my mind.  I am done conforming to the patterns of this world, and will trust Jesus to transform me!!!!  So while I'm at it, I will thank Jesus for the MANY spiritual daughters the Lord has given me over 10 years, through the amazing ministry of Young Life, and the 21 year old Asian daughter He has given Brian and I to encourage and love and support, as she journeys through life.  We are her Caucasion parents, and she is our Asian daughter.  haha, what a gift. Definitely a God-ordained relationship.  I can tell you more about her another time:)

Romans 12:1-2 says "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship^.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."  Amen to this truth right?!


So if you read this, i would covet your prayers!  If you need an inspirational read, I highly recommend Katie Davis' book, Kisses from Katie.  She also has a blog, www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

In His Grip!!

The beauty of grace....

"Take time to be holy.  The word holy does not mean goody-goody; it means set apart for sacred use.  That is what these quiet moments in My Presence are accomplishing within you.  As you focus your mind and heart on Me, you are being transformed: re-created into the one I designed you to be.  This process requires blocks of time set aside for communion with Me."  Jesus Calling, Dec. 14

Isn't this refreshing!?  One of my best friends and I were talking about this yesterday.  I think it is so easy to focus on the "doing" of our relationship with Jesus.  Or if we don't know Jesus, that is why.  Because we feel like it would be too hard.  We have to do better, or be better.  Try harder.  That is not what our relationship with Jesus is about!  I think the enemy twists the truth (well we know he does) and makes us think that it is about the work that we do.  ha, well guess what Satan, it is not about us and how good we are!  It is about Jesus and how GOOD He is, and the sacrifice that he made for us and paid for us, so that we could be in this amazing loving relationship with HIM!  Covered by grace, not trying to keep the law.  Under the law, there is death.  We can not grow in a relationship with Him under the law.  We will never be good enough, therefore it brings death.  But Grace!!  Undeserved merit and favor, that comes from God alone, now that brings freedom!!  The freedom to fail, the freedom to try, the freedom to just BE.  And as Jesus Calling has said today, we do not have to be holy, to be perfect to try to prove ourselves to God or anyone else, but to be set apart.......wow.  For the work that Jesus wants to do in us.  The work that He alone can do in us, when we surrender ourselves to him, and offer ourselves up to him so that he can do in us and through us, what we would NEVER be able to do alone.  What was life-changing for me several years back, was when God finally took the scales off my eyes.  I had been trying to live a perfect life and not mess up...ever.  If I did I would berate myself.  Then His Word jumped out at me and he said, "Monica, if you were perfect, then I died in vain!  I died for nothing, if you could be perfect enough and do everything on your own!  There would have been no need for me coming to earth and dying for YOUR sins."  WOWZA!  That hit me square between the eyes, and led me to repentance as I realized the way I had been living, in my desire to please God had essentially led me to a performance treadmill.  That was not my heart, it was not me intentionally trying to be in control.  Nevertheless I was there.  But there is something about surrender.  About acknowledging the fact that we don't have it altogether, and we never will.  But with Jesus we can do anything and everything that he has laid out for us.  It is not a crutch.  Jesus is not a crutch.  He is our HOPE!  Our only hope of anything good coming out of this life, the pain and the heartache that we face. and for our life eternally.  Oh that brings me joy.  Jesus just wants to love us.  And there is so much of ourselves that get in the way of allowing him to love us.  And it started in the Garden of Eden, when Satan twisted the truth and lied to Eve and her man.  Our own desire for control, started there, and it has not left us... ever.  Only by the grace and love of Jesus can we come out from under that heavy burden.  That is a heavy load! To try to figure things out in life, and what to do?  What path to take?  How to navigate through hurt and pain that changes our lives.  What do we do with that??  How amazing to release that control and surrender to the ONE who holds the world in HIS hands, who knows ALL things!?  Give the burden to Jesus and let Him carry it for us, now that is freeing....... and He wants it, and then we know Him more.  I can tell you that there is NOTHING better.  I am free.  And it's not because I have everything I desire.  It is because Jesus has revealed himself to me as I have surrendered to Him and His will.  He has met me there.  In His pool of grace. 

Take heart!

Jesus Calling has stirred up a lot in me this morning!  I need to get it out.  If you are a reader of this awesome devotional, then you may know what I am talking about.  If not, then here it is...... 

November 15 -

Approach problems with a light touch.  When your mind moves toward a problem area, you tend to focus on that situation so intensely that you lose sight of Me.  You pit yourself against the difficulty as if you had to conquer it immediately.  Your mind gears up for battle, and your body becomes tense and anxious.  Unless you achieve total victory, you feel defeated.

There is a better way.  When a problem starts to overshadow your thoughts, bring this matter to Me.  Talk with Me about it and look at it in the Light of My presence.  This puts some much-needed space between you and your concern, enabling you to see from My perspective.  You will be surprised at the results. Sometimes you may even laugh at yourself for being so serious about something so insignificant.  

You will always face trouble in this life.  But more importantly, you will always have Me with you, helping you to handle whatever you encounter.  Approach problems with a light touch by viewing them in My revealing Light.

You will always face trouble in this life.........yes we will.  One of my favorite verses is John 16:33, which states, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  I love this.  Jesus states emphatically with an exclamation point, take heart!!!!  I am here, I have overcome, there is more to this life......well, than just this life!!!!  I think Jesus allows hardship, trouble, pain, calamity, into our life because He loves us SO MUCH!  And I know that sounds weird, from a human perspective, but from a God perspective, just think about that?  He loves us, and he knows that when things are good, floating along just fine, we don't need him as much, so we wander around, try to do things our own way, and yet we are not experiencing the full love of God, of WHO HE IS!  I know when things seem to be fine, that doesn't automatically equal happiness in my life, you know??   Sometimes, it's just kind of blah, and I think, ok, well on the outside everything appears fine.  Life is good.  But on the inside, I am not necessarily pressing into God, and experiencing His full love.  The love that has been proven in my life that I won't experience without hardship.  Now I know this is not for all people.  Some people can really press into Him in the good times, and experience His full love.  But generally speaking, I think it is safe to say, that many of us often have to be brought to our knees, to really let God in. And to turn to Him, and to let him have his way with us.  As Jesus lovers, I think, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way!  You know??  And I often times have to learn the hard way.  And He wants to show us Himself, but often times He can't, until all we can do is focus on him.  Until things are so bad, or we are in so much pain, that all we can do is scream his name, JESUS.  And He is right. there.  Always.  The same, yesterday, today and forever!!  And we will experience Him in ways we never have, and never could before.

The problem is, that we all have brokenness.  Every. single. one. of us.  It looks different.  As I sat with people this week, and reflect on my own life, here are just a few areas of brokenness.......fear, anger, depression, bitterness, pride, jealousy, envy, struggling with anorexia, unhealthy relationships, as we look to others to find significance.  Really, anything that we look to, to find our significance, OTHER than Jesus Christ, will always fail.  Will always let us down.  Will always never (love that, double negative) work out. Will always be broken.   Because it is not in God, our Maker and Designer.  And so God allows things in our life, and Satan wants to mess with us.  It can be any or all of those things.  Satan knows our areas of weakness, and brokenness, and wants to dig in right at that spot.  To discourage us, and ultimately take us out.  But because God is the victor, he wins in the end.  And he uses our brokenness, and works IN and THROUGH our brokenness, to REDEEM our brokenness and USE our brokenness to bring glory to Himself.  He takes broken pieces of our hearts, and puts them back together.  He brings beauty out of ashes.  Because it is then clear that it was HIM!  There is no other answer, no other way that healing could have happened.  Sometimes we even need to take ourselves out of situations, and rely on God alone, if we are ever going to see change happen.  We think we need to be involved, if something is going to happen.  I am guilty of this!  And that is so prideful!  Oh our humanness.........ugly, but a place where God can reach in and turn into beauty!  So if we do not experience hardship, I would wonder????  He loves us too much to leave us where we are......Do I really desire to know Him, and want His best for me??  Or do I want to settle for what the world has to offer??  Outside of Jesus, it is a whole bunch of crap.  It takes breaking and tearing away of our will, and surrendering to His.  He wants to bring our hearts and our lives in line with His will, and His purposes.  Be encouraged today.  If you are going through it right now, God is in it with you!  He has a purpose and a plan that He is working out.  Or He would not have allowed it in your life.  It doesn't always make sense.  Well, hardly ever.  But He is Sovereign and has a good plan....He is good.  It will all be made clear when we get to see Him one day!

So I love that Jesus Calling today talks about perspective.  I can get so focused on my problem, that I lose sight of Jesus and His dealings and thoughts on the matter.  I lose sight of His perspective and what He is doing, and how He is working through situations.  When I can back up a bit, turn my eyes to Him, and focus on Him, then my problems don't seem as huge and overwhelming.  I need His light shed on the situation.  Take heart!  It is in me, and me alone that you will have peace.  I love that, because it is not in his blessings, or what he can give to us that brings us peace, but it is in He Himself.  His person..........He brings us peace, because He is peace.

She said it couldn't be done.

She said it couldn't be done......and that she, was me.  Not as much couldn't, but wouldn't.  End of September I ran my first half marathon.  My family and friends were there to support me as I ran with a few of my dear dear friends.  My family took pictures all along the way.  I told them, you better take lots of pics because this is the only half marathon I will do!  Then I ran it, and decided I may do it again.  It was so much fun.  Hard, but fun.  My training went great for the first 8 weeks or so, and then as my long run distances started increasing, so did my pain!!! Oh my, I didn't realized I had knee pain until I started running.  So I increased my massage and chiropractor appointments and they got me up to snuff.  I am so thankful!  And I realized I needed to do a better job of stretching my muscles too, I am not that great at it.  I enjoy running.   I never, ever, never, never, ever thought I would hear those words come out of my mouth!  It feels good, there is just something that happens as you run.  Maybe it is the endorphins??  So to all my friends who say, I am not a runner, I say to you, you can be!  I was not a runner, and now I am a runner.  I really enjoy 3 or 4 mile runs, and I will continue to do that, as it is not as hard on my body as the long runs are.  I think I even got my bro and sis to commit to running the half marathon next year, and my parents may walk the half.  That would be so cool.  What I loved the most about this run, is that apart from training, I would not have been able to do it.  I followed the beginner training plan to a t, to begin with, and I knew, if I stick to this plan, I will be able to run on race day.  But if I hadn't had a training plan, I would have been freaked out, not knowing if i would be ready come race day.  I love that!  I don't mean this to sound cheesy, but I think that it is a lot like life you know???  God has given us his WORD, and has let us know the WAY to get to Him, to be accepted as His sons and daughters.  All we have to do is accept HIM and choose to give our lives to Him and surrender to his will and his way.  If we stick with Him, and follow Him and stay close to Him, we will show up on "race day", the final day when we get to go to Heaven to meet our Lord and Savior, and He will say, "You did it! You made it, Well done."  We will have hardships and pain along the way, but we will survive!  I had major pain along the way, but stayed faithful to the training plan, and I ran.  It wasn't pretty, but I ran.  It wasn't fast, but I ran.  It was such an amazing experience!  Friends asked me if I felt emotional crossing the finish line, and I really didn't.  I was so thankful and happy to have had the opportunity to run. I ran for myself, and for Esther, and for Jesus.   Even when I was in pain, or it was hard, I thanked the Lord for the 2 legs and 2 arms that I have, and that I am able to run.  I know there are many who are not able to, and I am very aware of this fact, and super grateful. ( in my case, having lost a child and not being pregnant yet, and hearing other people who do have children complain about things.....I am not saying that it is wrong, it is just hard....my fellow baby-loss moms can identify :)  The race was hard, but I have arms and legs to run )  So I have practiced thankfulness in the midst of my training, and still feeling so full of life.  Air in my lungs, sweat dripping off my body, stinking a stank that I have never smelled on me before!  I am alive!

So I never thought I could do it. But I did.  And if I can do it, ANYONE can do it.  Seriously.  It is all about the training.  And it does take sacrifice.  Early mornings, I knew that I had to run.  I couldn't choose not to run, or I would not have been ready on race day.  You can do it!!

Enjoy a few pictures.......Our time was 2 hours and 14 minutes!!

                        My family came and supported me!!  They were so encouraging!

Our shirts were made by a dear friend Rhonda Holtrop (middle with #2705 on shirt)  and her husband Jason who lost their baby Esther Frances to CDH back in May.  They are raising support to help other families who find themselves in need when going through loss or tragedy's with children! From left to right: Me, Jenny Bajema, Rhonda, Paige Huttula.

                                                      I am so ready!  Lots of adrenaline...

                 Mile 7 at Squalicum Park!!  There was even a band playing.....We're smiling, and we have Jazz hands for some reason!:)  Thanks to Paige and Staci Zenonian (pink shirt) for sticking with me!

                                          Mile 12 ish......still smiling....and almost done!!!!

          My faithful running/training partner and bestest friend Paige Huttula!! Thank you friend..

Come Away My Beloved.....

I have been struck with a few thoughts and prayers from a devotional I kinda stole from my cousin.  Well I gave it back now, but I have had a chance to read some of them at random, and they really express my hearts desire.  I wonder if you can relate as well?

From Come Away My Beloved......."I am the Lord your God.  I know no limitations.  I know no lack.  I need not reserve My stores, for I always have a fresh supply.  You can by no means ever exhaust My infinite resources.  Let your heart run wild.  Let your imagination go vagabond.  No extravagance of the human thought can ever plumb the depths of My planning and provision for My children. 
Rejoice, therefore,  and face each day with joy; for I have planned ahead for you and made all necessary arrangements and reservations.  I am your guide and benefactor.  Put your hand in Mine."

Jesus has recently freed me, and continues to because it really is a daily thing, of some things I was wrestling with.  I felt like it was hard to pray for our family and our desires to have another child.  I wasn't sure if it was wrong to or not?  I mean, if that is not what God has for us, then why would I want to pray for that?  I became discouraged in that, and kind of stopped praying for a child. I am so thankful that I have so many friends and family who have and are standing in the gap and lifting us up, lifting me and my heart up to Jesus.  THANK YOU!  You know who you are..........  I have realized though that that is where the enemy would want me, to not pray for the desires of my heart.  To even twist that, to keep me from going to Jesus.  That is right where I need to be, in Jesus's arms!  As I read this from the Lord, I was so encouraged, because I can't even possibly ASK for what He has planned for us, I have no idea.  My human mind and heart cannot comprehend.  I want what Jesus wants for our life!  I trust Him, and I know He has plans and provision for us.  Sometimes it feels like He does not, or that we have been forgotten, but I know that is not true.  Just because His plan and timing is not my plan and timing, doesn't mean He is not God and is not still working!  He has made all the necessary arrangements for each day for me.  I want to live in the moment of each day, and I know I have said it before, but I don't want to miss what He has for me each day.  But it is a struggle, as my eyes waver from HIM, and I begin to doubt.  Much like Peter walking on water going out to meet Jesus.  He began to sink when He took his eyes off and looked at the waves around Him.  I know Jesus just wants my heart.  My surrendered self all to Himself.  I do not want any idols, or to desire anything but Him.  When I am surrendered to Him, I feel so free!  I desperately want what He wants for my life.  To bring glory to himself and to draw others to HIM!  I know He knows my heart, and so I will continue to pray for the making of our family.  A dear friend told me last week, about when Jesus promised to Mary that she would carry the Savior of the world.  Even with this promise, Mary responded, "May it be as you have said."  The word may means, let it be yes or no, or a promise of a possibility.  As I pray, I want to have the posture of Mary, to ask and believe, but hold it loosely, really as I should everything in my life!  "Lord, whatever you want.  This is my desire, but whatever you want, and whatever timing you have.  Just give me the grace to walk through this!!"  I am thankful that He does give us everything we need to walk the journeys we are on.

I want to not lack anything, I know that is what Jesus does in us through our suffering, through the refining process.  Many times I want to scream, I don't want to be refined!!!  It is hard and it is painful.  But it is good.  God knows us and LOVES us, and knows what the refining process will produce in us. Only the power of the Holy Spirit in us can take away the things in us that we humanly cannot do ourselves.  To make us more Jesus-like, and that is what life is all about.  To reflect Jesus and hopefully draw others to him.  I want to be a true reflection..........

This last prayer from this awesome devo is SO where my heart is today!  I got up this am and ran really fast on my treadmill, for me a 9:00 minute mile:)  and worshiped the Lord as I ran!

"Grant this one prayer more, Lord, that You would give us all that is lacking in us; intensify our hunger and fire our devotion; take the indifference from our spirits; and have within us Your wonderful way and perfect will, O God, we pray; Amen."

"Lord, have within ME your wonderful way and perfect will............Amen, and Amen."

Choices.....

I just got out of a really hot shower, after a 5 mile run with a friend, and a dinner that was thrown together out of what I had in the freezer!! It was strange, but good.:) As I was in the shower, I thought............I need to go write. That hasn't happened in a long time, but there are some things that I have been pondering. This morning as I was reading my devotional, our roommate Kelly came in being carried piggy back by her boyfriend. I thought to myself, oh, young love. With a warmness in my heart. Then it hit me....... would I be so happy for them, if I was not so happily married, or didn't have that for myself? And I realized that I probably would not. I know that is sad to say, but that is where I have been at for awhile now in regards to hearing of the throngs of women who are pregnant and having babies. I have had a hard time being excited for others. There I said it! Not that I am not excited for them and having a baby, but my very next thought is always, "Lord why can't I have that?" It is easy for us to be happy for others and celebrate, when WE have what WE want right? I have felt challenged by the Lord in Romans 12:15, "to rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn." I can do that! It is easy for me to mourn with others who have lost a loved one, because that is a road I have walked. It is SO hard to rejoice, and I realize that I have not been doing a very good job, and I feel the Lord saying, "Monica, you need to rejoice with others. I am not asking you, I am telling you." And I am sorry to all of my sisters who have had babies, and I am sure it has been hard to tell me, and I really have been excited for you! It has just been my own selfishness and has made me recognize what I don't have and to ask why I don't have it! Of course that is where the devil would want me to sit and stay. Discouraged. Feeling like I am missing out. Like God is holding out on me. Like a little kid!!! And I do not want to, and I will not stay in that place. I have always said, it is easy to love the loveable, right? In our own human strength we can love those who are easy to love. But we need Jesus' love through us to love those who are hard to love. We can't do it on our own! And I think I have been trying to just do this on my own too, and to try to "feel" my way into rejoicing? If that makes any sense? But I don't often feel it. And it doesn't work like that! Life is not about feeling! It is a choice, and I need to choose to trust Jesus enough to help me, and just do it. I believe when I choose to rejoice with others, then it is through the rejoicing that He will strengthen me and change my heart!

I have been practicing thanking the Lord. He has blessed us so much, and I have a wonderful full life! I am so grateful for the amazing man God brought me together with. We never had "young love"! haha, because we were a bit older when we got married, but we had "new" love! I am so grateful to God for his timing in bringing us together. I am thankful that he had us "wait" until just the right time, his time. But it was a long time!! Especially for Brian, who was 38 when we wed! But so so worth it. Almost 4 years later, and I love him more and more every single day. I am grateful for the foundation that the Lord has laid in both of our lives, and the foundation that is so strong because of Him, and also what He has brought us through. I am hopeful that we will have a family soon!! I don't know what "soon" means, but I am believing that God is just "waiting" for the perfect time to bring a brother or sister for Esther and a son or daughter for us! I trust Him. He has not failed us! And will not........

What's new?......running shoes!

Well I have been gone awhile.  Literally gone......... not just from the blogging world.  When I have a chance to sit down I will let you know where I've been over the past 2 months.  But for now I am excited to say that I have decided to train for, and run the Bellingham Bay half marathon.  I know, if you know me, you are thinking, what?!  I hate running.  BUT i have decided that I am sick of being sluggish.  I need to exercise. Really exercise, and in order to do that, I need a goal!  Or i will not run.  I was inspired by a book I read called Working it Out, by Abby Rike.  She was a season 8 contestant on the Biggest Loser.  She was overweight and it had been a year since she lost her husband, 6 year old daughter AND her 2 week old baby boy in a car accident.  She felt like she was just existing (well yeah?!)  and she needed to do something different.  So she ended up getting on the Biggest Loser.  Her story is one of great faith and hope even in the middle of such tragic loss.  As she got physically better, she noticed emotional healing on the inside as well.  I don't feel like i have just been existing, however i have felt just kinda blah, and sluggish!  I need a change.  My excuse for exercise has been, well next month i may be pregnant?   But, it has been a year, and that has not happened yet, so I have decided to grab the bull by the horns, so to speak, and RUN!  Quit making excuses, just do it.  Another theme while camping, was "do hard things".  My brother in law was reading a book with that title, and we talked about that a lot.  It was all about where teenagers are at in this generation.  As I have run this week, (so far i can run about 2 out of the 3 miles that is required for the 1st week.) I keep saying to myself, do hard things, you can do this!  I have done hard things, and I know with Jesus I can do this too.  I just have to dig deep and do it.  I have run 3 days, and although it kicks my butt, it feels good at the same time.  Interesting, that with Jesus, hard things in life, are not ALL bad.  There is good and bad at the same time, and I think that is the element that ONLY Jesus brings. We have pain, and yet we have joy too.  We have to work hard and it hurts, and yet it feels good at the same time?  Crazy, but fun.  I am looking forward to it. I am letting you all know so that you can hold me accountable!  I figure you are all my family and friends on here anyway, thanks for your support! 

I leave for Malibu Young Life Camp on Monday, with 90 students and leaders from NWC Young Life!  It will be awesome.  Please pray for us when you think of us!  

When I return I will post some updates and pictures of the past few months.  Stay Tuned!

Mommy Poem for Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is tomorrow.  Happy Mother's Day to all of you who are mother's, whether you have children here on earth, or if they are in Heaven.  Last year this time, I was having a rough time. I knew I was a mom, but I didn't feel like a mom.  I was wrestling with all those emotions, and then I got a message from my dear cousin, and at the end she said, "you are a wonderful mother."  And I bawled!  That was the first time I really truly thought of myself as a mom!  And I guess I just think that there could be some mom's out there today, who like me, don't feel like a mom, because their children are not here.  Yesterday, I went to a beautiful memorial service for a friend's baby girl, whose name was also Esther.  It was so glorifying to God and honoring to Esther.  It was their first child, and my friend will be spending her first Mother's Day tomorrow, without her child, and that is so hard........

I found this poem on the blog of a grieving mom. I loved it. This is for all of us mom's who don't have our babies here with us on Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day, you are ALL wonderful mothers!!!

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are OK.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

Right where I am supposed to be....

Today i feel like my heart wants to burst. It really is hard to describe! Well the sunshine does help, but i have felt for awhile now that I am right where I am supposed to be. That WE are right where we are supposed to be. A few months back, the sun was out, and Brian and I were taking a walk outside. I just had this overwhelming sense, that in spite of everything that our last year held, that day, we were right where God wanted us. It is a strange but peaceful feeling. Not because I had what I wanted, or because anything special or exciting had happened......but that God had us right where HE wanted. This past week, that has been affirmed. I love ministry. I love being able to meet with my young girlfriends. Share life with them, share their joy and their pain, and listen to them and hear where they are at. I LOVE IT! For my job, I get to meet with people to talk about Young Life, and the possibility of them being a leader. As I get to hear their story, I just burst inside! I get to share with them what it means to be a part of the ministry and serve the Lord, and how THEY will be blessed, and encouraged and strengthened in their walk with Christ. AND I AM ENCOURAGED..... AGAIN......and i hear it again, "Monica, this is what I put you on this earth to do!" Not because it is all about me, but because God has gifted me and placed me, right here, right now, at this point in time, for a reason. WE all are. We all have a purpose and a divine design and when we are operating in that place, it is so sweet...........and it is all from God. It is his work that he does through us. Would I be here right now, had we not gone through what we did? Losing our baby?? I don't know. But i know that God is Sovereign and he makes ALL things work together for our good. Yes that is a song, and yes that is a verse. Romans 8:28.........I know that experiencing loss has given me more compassion, sensitivity to where others are at, discernment, and a LOVE that I did not have before. God just meets us! In our deepest pain, GOD SHOWS UP! And HE changes our lives in the process. Does it hurt? Yes....terribly. But God will redeem anything that we bring to him, that we give to him. ANYTHING!!! In John, Jesus talks about remaining in Him, and about pruning in our lives. Branches are cut off, that are not producing fruit, and branches are pruned, so that they can produce more fruit. I want to produce more fruit. I do, desperately. I want more of God and I know that does not come without pain, and challenges. He is using my life experiences. He brought Brian and I together at this place and time for a purpose. Brian was 38 for crying out loud! When i talk to my young friends about waiting for God's best, i tell them our story, and they go, oh man 38!!! I don't want to wait that long...... I get it, i didn't either, and I KNOW Brian didn't want to wait that long....but he did, and I did, because we trusted God and knew that He had something more for us. It is no accident. It is no accident that we lost Esther. God in his loving Sovereignty allowed that to happen, and I know He brought others to himself because of that. That is what it is all about. Not about us. Having said, that I am hopeful for a brother or sister for Esther. Someday...... I don't know when that will be, and whether our family will be natural or from other mothers, but it will be God's perfect timing. And I trust Him. Thank you to all of you who are so faithful in praying for us to have a baby. He really has given me such a peace about His timing, and His plan. I need to do what He has called me to do. Right?? Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you.....or something like that. I just trust that He is taking care of us. He always has, even in our darkest place, and he always will. I am so grateful for his blessings. Like I have said before, I appreciate life so much! More than i ever have, and this life does not compare to what life with Christ in Eternity will be. I have such an appreciation for all the people God has brought into my life this past year. Other grieving mothers, I have such a love and so much admiration for them. We have all walked a hard road, one that no one wants to walk, and many cannot imagine, but they have shown courage, just walking it. That is all we can do is walk, we have no choice, but He shows up to walk with us. God works in miraculous and mysterious ways, and I have seen His awesomeness this past year! The leaders I get to walk with and encourage in life and in ministry......what a gift for me!! I feel like I have so many "spiritual kids" because of the time I have spent in Young Life ministry. Ones I have seen come to know him, and even stray away, but years later come back to him!! It is all about planting seeds. Loving people unconditionally. Accepting others where they are at. I was loved on this way growing up.......and I strayed away.......but I came back............My cup is overflowing..... God you are so good.

God Is Able

Sunday at church the youth worship band led us in worship. They were amazing~ I can't believe I have never heard this song before, but God is Able, by Hillsong is powerful! As i have listened to it the past few days, over and over, I feel like it describes my heart! I was reading my bible this morning. Sometimes I feel like even though I am spending time with Jesus, I don't necessarily connect with him. But I love worship. That is my language, and I feel like when I have no words to say, or need to connect to God, I can turn on a specific worship song, and it is as though it speaks my heart, and God is right there with me! This morning as I turned this song on, I just got all choked up at these words......

God is with us, He will go before
He will never leave us, He will never leave us
God is for us, He has open arms
He will never fail us, He will never fail us

This is who God is! It doesn't matter where we are in life, what hardships we are going through, this is the truth. As Beth Moore says, our hardships set up the backdrop for God to show up, and show off! This is the kind of God we have. And life is hard, and painful, but it does not change WHO God is. That He is able, that He beat death! "Lifted up, he defeated the grave, raised to life, our God is able. In his name we overcome!" He has the power to raise us to life! Real life. Eternal life. Our brothers and sisters in Christ, our children, we have lost who have gone before us, we will see again, because He died and rose again!! Death will die forever when Jesus comes back. Isn't that awesome?? And whatever we go through on this earth, God is with us. He will never leave us, he will never fail us. Ahh, such truth my heart needed to sing to God, to tell him that I believe that this morning!!

Ephesians 3:20 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Praise to our God who is able....

you can pause the playlist on the bottom of the page and then listen!

Water into Wine

So i have had some thoughts brewing for the past few weeks. I was preparing for a Young Life club talk. I just have started reading, "Just Give Me Jesus" by Anne Graham Lotz, and she talked about Jesus turning water into wine. How many different ways that it applies to us in our lives and the different seasons we may go through. It captivated me. Because I had been chewing on that for some time, I decided that I would speak about an aspect of that miracle, that very first miracle, at club. As i read it over and over there were so many things that struck me, especially in relation to where I am at in life right now. John 2 begins with Jesus and his disciples,and his mother at a wedding feast, when the wine runs out. Now this was a huge deal! Back in those days, the groom could have a lawsuit slapped on him by the bride's family because of this! Can you imagine that? The fact that the wine ran out, was big. I wonder how Jesus' mother knew that the wine had run out. Was it the wedding of a family friend? Someone they were close to, maybe a sibling of Jesus? But Jesus' mother finds out and tells Jesus. Of course Jesus says, I love this, "dear woman, why do you involve me?? My time has not yet come." But then she says to the servants, "do whatever he tells you to do." I love that she knew that Jesus could change this situation. She knew the power that he had, even though up until this point he had not performed any miracles! But Jesus having been conceived by the Holy Spirit inside her womb? Yeah, she knew who He was:) The servants obeyed, they filled big stone jars to the brim with water just as Jesus told them to do. And then, this is so great......now scoop some out and take it to the master of the banquet. What?! I can imagine what was going through their heads......Jesus, you just had us fill up these stone jars, these foot washing, ceremonial cleansing jars, and now you want us to bring THIS water to the master of the banquet?!? Are you kidding?? Well that's what would have gone through my head...... Crap, what am i going to do when i get there with this nasty foot washing water? But the servants obeyed. And when he got to the master of the banquet and served him, it was the best wine he had ever tasted!! Jesus didn't turn wonderful, pure, fresh water into wine, but he took dirty water that was not even used to drink, and turned it into the most amazing wine!!! Amazing........As i was picturing this scene, i thought about my own life. What is the "water" in my life? That as I do what Jesus asks me to do, he turns it into "wine?" The best thing. Whatever that is. Because this account doesn't say that Jesus touched the water, and then it became wine. It doesn't say that, although he could have. But as the servant walked the water to the master of the banquet, by obeying THE MASTER, the water became wine. Monday night, as I spoke, and held the pitcher of dirty water (I made a concoction of water with lemon juice and soy sauce, looked like dirty water i would have imagined it looking like??) and walked as if i was walking to the master of the banquet, it just struck me that the miracle happened, in the obeying, as he walked.....somewhere along the line, the water had become wine! What in my life, is the water, that when I bring it to Jesus, obey what he tells me to do, can turn into something amazing!? In my life right now, I believe it is the "waiting." I feel like I am in a waiting period. But what I have always believed about waiting periods, is that I never want them to be "wasting" periods. I don't want to waste my life waiting for the next thing. If you know my story, then you probably know that we have such a desire to have children. But it's not happening right now. So in a sense I feel like because it has not happened yet, that I am waiting for it happen. Then I hung out with a dear single friend last week, who is reading a book called, Lady in Waiting, and I thought, you know what? At different seasons in life, we are all waiting on something. I remember being single, and desiring to be married so bad. But wrestling with that with the Lord, and coming to a place of contentment. I didn't want to waste what the Lord had for me in that time. Because it is rich! There has to be something big that God has for us in the waiting period.......Refining us, shaping us, molding us, pouring into us, in ways that only He can in that time. Whether we are waiting for a spouse, waiting for a child, waiting for the perfect job, waiting for retirement, waiting for__________......fill in your blank. Whatever it is there are seasons of waiting, and yet they should not be wasted. How sad for us to miss out on what God has for us in that season of waiting. We learn contentment. We are strengthened. We rely on God, and not on a dream of what we "think" we want or need. He wants to be our EVERYTHING! And He knows that so often He is not. Because we have a tricky, conniving, deceitful enemy who wants to steal our joy. He wants us to be unhappy where we are, and want "more". To never be satisfied with where we are at. And i say, Get out of here Satan! You have no place here. My God is loving, giving and kind. He has blessed me so much! He cares about me more than anything! He does not withhold things from me, HE wants the best for me!! He has great things in store, but it is not according to my plan. God does not follow my rules. It is according to His plan, because He is good. Life is painful at times, but HE IS WITH YOU. He is with me. He wants me to fully rely on him and only him. So in this season, I am bringing him my "water" and as I go, as I obey, as I follow him each and every day, I trust that He will turn that into "wine." The best wine ever! Do i know what that is, or what it will look like? Nope. But I know, because He is God, and He loves me and Brian, that He has good plans for us. And I can rest in that.